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Bipolar with PTSD?

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by Synny » Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:47 pm

It is somewhat difficult for me to admit,because its hard to talk about my feelings at times but I not only have Bipolar 2 but i also have PTSD. let me explain why the ptsd (hopefully i don't get in trouble for this, it's not bad i promise)

On April 7th, 2017 My dad was diagnosed with Acute myeloid leukemia.(AML) . I knew something was wrong a few months ago before we found out, when he stopped eating and was dropping weight. I remember visiting with my parents and he had gotten home from work and seemed to have a difficult time breathing. He finally woke my mom up to have her take him to the emergency room because he felt something was wrong.

I'm not entirely sure on how much blood you have in your body, but i believe it's 8 and my dad's was down to a 2. The hospital couldn't believe he was still walking. They had found out that night he may have cancer and he was going to see an oncologist. My parents didn't tell me right away because they didn't want me to worry. The day before he was to see the doctor, my parents had me come over and my dad was the one who told me there was a possibility there was something wrong and to not worry too much, which being me i did worry.

The next day instead of him going to see the doctor, the doctor's office said dad was to be admitted in the hospital. I'm going to fast forward this part because it's me rambling on what happened and i'm sure most of you don't want to read this.

2 days later (april 7th 2017) Is when my mom and I found out dad had leukemia (AML) It was one of the worst days of my life and is still hard to talk about it in all honesty.There was an advocate who came into my dad's room and started talking about how my dad was going to die and i had to leave the room. I don't think i cried so hard in the hospital bathroom. She talked like he had one foot in the grave and she should have never said it in the first place because she honestly did not know, she wasn't a doctor! The next day, my dad signed himself out for reason's i don't quite want to talk about.

After spending a couple days/nights searching online and calling hospitals that would take my dad's work insurance, I found out my dad's insurance also had a hospital, which i thank god, we found an amazing hospital for dad's care and that was providence hospital in Portland Oregon. My dad has one of the top 10 doctors in the united states.

Seeing my dad in the hospital really messed with me. Dad was healthy my entire life. There were many questions that ran through my mind.. Why him?? Visiting him in the hospital i didn't like, but i had to see my dad. Seeing him laying in the hospital bed and seeing the chemo bag, really messed with me. We didn't know if the chemo was going kill the bad cells, and at one point, we didn't think he was going to come home. Mom was there and only came home 3 times he was there the 4 weeks, but Every time i would leave the hospital to drive the 2/12 hours to get home, i cried..I didn't like the thought of leaving once again without him. One of things he said to me one of the times when i was going home was it's not "goodbye, you'll see me again" I don't say bye anymore.

He's in full remission thank god and he'll always have leukemia as bad as it sucks. I have a blog for him and it's helped some but i don't write my feelings in the blog, because the blog is for my dad and not me.

When i went to see my doctor in September i explained about the situation with my dad. She encouraged me to start talking to a therapist. I still haven't made an appointment but i feel i should. I'm so scared the leukemia is going to come back. I'm not ready for Dad to go, i know everyone has to go at some point but i don't want to lose my dad. I do have one of my dad's shirts and i still wear the orange bracelets (orange is the color for leukemia) my mom had gotten me. I haven't taken it off and I'm afraid to.

I'm sorry my post was lengthy.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Dec 08, 2017 9:34 pm

I'm sorry about your dad... Cancer is horrible, hope he gets through it all.

And yes, I have PTSD too. Actually, complex trauma. There's a difference, apparently :) From years of abuse. I talked a lot about it here, a few months ago when I needed to vent and had a lousy tdoc. Now I have a good one and don't need to bother you all with my progress or lack of it.
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by Synny » Fri Dec 08, 2017 9:50 pm

AvantGarde wrote:I'm sorry about your dad... Cancer is horrible, hope he gets through it all.

And yes, I have PTSD too. Actually, complex trauma. There's a difference, apparently :) From years of abuse. I talked a lot about it here, a few months ago when I needed to vent and had a lousy tdoc. Now I have a good one and don't need to bother you all with my progress or lack of it.


He's doing really well, he's been in remission for the last couple of months. His doctor told him if he stays in remission for 2 years, then the chances of the leukemia coming back is slim. I have a picture on my phone from the 1st time he was in the hospital. My dad seen it recently and couldn't believe how bad he looked. My mom and I knew but we never showed him until then. I sent the picture of dad the day we found out he had leukemia to my best friend who lives in Michigan. He called me later that night and said i shouldn't take anymore pictures of dad in that state. He explained if something was to happen, having those photos of how bad he was, would bother me. I know he was trying to help but i had to.. I felt better when i did, but the picture he was talking about really bothers me now. I never realized how bad he looked, maybe it was because I was around him all the time.

I don't mind if you need to vent. i'm a good listener:) I don't like to talk about myself much, I always feel like i'm too dramatic or a pain. i get into really bad funks myself and sometimes its hard for me to get out of them. But if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me :)
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by AvantGarde » Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:00 pm

That's great that he's in remission :) We'll be all rooting for you all for sure.
My cousin has leukemia too, is in treatment currently, she's doing well with it, keep her sense of humour, which I think it's great. My uncle also had an aggressive cancer, tumours attached to tough parts of his bones to perform surgery on, but they managed to do it and he's in remission now. But he got a big depression out of it.
How's your dad emotional state? And how are you coping now? Are you in therapy?
We never know the things that are going to traumatize us. It's really weird, lot's of horrible stuff happened to me, but seems like the things that are most natural to occur were the most traumatizing ones.

Oh I'm fine now. Had a bezerk year, minor trigger that became huge. And like I said, lousy tdoc that made everything a lot worse. Now other stuff has happened that requires my attention, so I've been hardly noticing the effects of ptsd.
Thanks though, that's sweet. :)
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by Synny » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:11 am

AvantGarde wrote:That's great that he's in remission :) We'll be all rooting for you all for sure.
My cousin has leukemia too, is in treatment currently, she's doing well with it, keep her sense of humour, which I think it's great. My uncle also had an aggressive cancer, tumours attached to tough parts of his bones to perform surgery on, but they managed to do it and he's in remission now. But he got a big depression out of it.
How's your dad emotional state? And how are you coping now? Are you in therapy?
We never know the things that are going to traumatize us. It's really weird, lot's of horrible stuff happened to me, but seems like the things that are most natural to occur were the most traumatizing ones.

Oh I'm fine now. Had a bezerk year, minor trigger that became huge. And like I said, lousy tdoc that made everything a lot worse. Now other stuff has happened that requires my attention, so I've been hardly noticing the effects of ptsd.
Thanks though, that's sweet. :)


Thank you for your kind words. :) Having a sense of humor and an upbeat attitude was how my dad was. He's a smart-ass as it is and he kept that same attitude throughout his treatment. He's still has a great attitude, but a few weeks ago he started to not have an appetite and was really tired again he was worried the leukemia was coming back and my mom and I were worried..

He seen his doctor on the 24th which is my youngest birthday and everything came back great!! The way he was diagnosed was pretty muffed up. The doctor who performed his bone marrow biopsy was a quack. When he did the biopsy he drilled two holes when he was supposed to only do one we later found out. He told my mom and I the biopsy would take an hour and a half (which was a lie it only takes a few minutes) He told my mom and I he would speak to us afterwards if we had any questions.

As soon as he was done, he walked past us and seen us sitting outside my dad's room and didn't say a word. The really muffed part of it all was he waited until my mom and I left and went in the room told my dad he has leukemia alone, he knew my dad's family was supposed to be there when the results came back. When asked for a second opinion he pretty much threw a temper tantrum and gritted his teeth at my mom.

When my dad discharged himself he told me as my mom was getting the car, that the doctor told him he had 3 days to 3 weeks to live. He was scared out of his mind which pissed me off. The doctor was damn lucky I didn't see him because i probably would have decked him after my dad told me. Once we got him at providence and he talked to his doctor, and what was said to him and how the other doctor's attitude was towards my mom and I, he reassured my parents a doctor cannot say how many days/weeks/months/years how long a person is going live.

I'm coping okay, I kept myself busy as much as I could, whether it was checking on their house or staying there, and then taking my dad's car up to portland to pickup my mom so she could pay their bills, have a day to rest at home, and then to take her back. (she's afraid to drive on the freeway there,she's afraid of heights. She tried it once, when my dad was there and it freaked her out) After my dad's last round of chemo (which for the next few months he would have to stay there a week), we didn't have to go up there but once a month like we are doing now. I got really depressed, I think everything caught up with me then. I started having bad anxiety attacks, and was in a very dark place. I was scaring friends of mine and even my best friend who lives in Michigan.September was when my doctor diagnosed me with Ptsd. I had been diagnosed with bipolar a couple years ago and I wasn't on meds because I felt i was okay. But i'm on medication now. I have had a few crying spells recently but i think i need to go to a therapist, i know it would help me a lot.

You're welcome. It sometimes helps to have an outsiders opinion if that makes sense :) I am glad you are doing well now :)
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by AvantGarde » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:23 am

:evil: Fucking asshole "doctor". Too much stuff to point out, I can't even... :? Glad your father has another doc now.

Yeah.. I needed to talk about my issues before, and actually make them public online forever!!!.. lol and the threads are somewhere if you want to read them you're free to do it of course. But nowadays it's kinda triggering to go over it all over again, so I'm avoiding it ;) Nothing personal really, just too early in the morning to feel sad :D
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by Synny » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:47 am

AvantGarde wrote::evil: Fucking asshole "doctor". Too much stuff to point out, I can't even... :? Glad your father has another doc now.

Yeah.. I needed to talk about my issues before, and actually make them public online forever!!!.. lol and the threads are somewhere if you want to read them you're free to do it of course. But nowadays it's kinda triggering to go over it all over again, so I'm avoiding it ;) Nothing personal really, just too early in the morning to feel sad :D


I have to agree he is a fucking asshole doctor!! I wasn't sure if i could cuss on here lol. It was a mess, I did give him a bad review on a couple websites. i feel he should have his license pulled!!

I understand you do not want to talk about and i don't take offense to it at all. :) And no don't want you to be sad. If you need a distraction and to make you smile.. here's a video of my daughter singing a song for her papa she didn't sing all of it but it was cute lol :)
[Link edited out by AG]
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by AvantGarde » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:52 am

Ahaha! Adorable!! :D Her papa must've loved it :)
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by Synny » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:09 am

I haven't showed him yet actually. I'm working on adding it to my blog that he hasn't seen yet either. If my dad stays in remission, my mom and i were talking about going to a nice dinner on the anniversary of when he was diagnosed. My grandma and uncle on my mom's side will be invited and I was thinking of printing out the blog and making copies for everyone to read. I'm not sure yet. I would have posted the link for the blog but i don't know if i'm allowed to.
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by AvantGarde » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:14 am

No, sorry, we don't allow blogs here. We can't be responsible for what people say on their blogs. But it's great that you have one, especially regarding what it is about :)
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by Synny » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:30 am

That's why asked, didn't want to get into trouble lol. I Completely understand, who knows what kind of blogs people have these days.
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by AvantGarde » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:39 am

Synny wrote: who knows what kind of blogs people have these days.


Exaaaaactly :shock: :lol:

Now seriously, and that youtube link I'm not so sure about either... waiting for Mocha to come online to tell me. It's just because it's often about people's private lives, and real names and all that can lead to trouble in real life. This is the internet afterall. And a mental health board, we are all definitely crazy here. :lol:
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by Synny » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:02 am

I hope she doesn't get too mad, I can take it back off just in case so i don't get in trouble.
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by AvantGarde » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:03 am

Nah, she won't. :) It's nothing bad, a very cute video actually :lol:
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by Synny » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:18 am

Thank you :) She loves her papa very much. She calls the hospital where dad stayed Papa's vacation. She wouldn't understand why he was in the hospital and we didn't want her to get upset so we told her that, was easier. My oldest has adhd and he knew my dad was sick. When he came with us to drop off my mom so i had company to ride back with., Jace wouldn't stay in the room, pretty sure it bothered him. He won't talk about it. The kid has been through a lot.
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by AvantGarde » Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:39 am

I just remembered it's the weekend, not sure if Mocha will come online. To protect your privacy I edited out the link, better that way, at least I feel better lol :)

What happened to your kid? Is your boyfriend their father? Sorry, I tend to ask a lot of questions lol
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by Synny » Sat Dec 09, 2017 3:08 am

Oh it's okay I understand :) My boyfriend is the father of my two kids. My son, his dad, and their grandma ( his great grandma)was in a car accident on their way to my son's baseball practice i couldn't take them because my car wasn't running so their grandma took them. She pulled into the left turn lane, and then, without stopping, turned directly in front of a car that was going 60.She died on her way to the hospital. My son felt guilty because she was taking him to his baseball practice. He stopped playing baseball after that. it has been almost 5 years since the accident. We tried counseling but he won't talk about it at all. I wish he would, and I don't push the issue because i don't want him to get upset. :(
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by MochaAdmin » Sat Dec 09, 2017 9:25 am

Synny, I'm so happy to hear your dad is in remission!!.....YAY!......That's Huge!...... :D And it's really great he found another doc and staff to treat him. Fuck that first one and his staff.......what morons........the nerve of them telling your dad he was going to die right away.....what the fuck. :evil:

Fooled them, didn't he?..... :)

Btw......I think it would be a very good idea for you to get in therapy. No only to help you cope with your father's illness, the PTSD, but also learn to cope with much needed coping skills with your bp. We all need those no matter what's going on in our lives.

Welcome again to the site......Hope you'll stick around........

:)
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by AvantGarde » Sat Dec 09, 2017 9:32 am

Sorry i didn't reply sooner, I didn't see your post.
Oh man, that's tough.. Poor kid. For any of us it would be terrible, for a kid that age I don't even know.

Like Mocha said, hope you stick around :) And yeah, therapy is da bomb.
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by Synny » Sat Dec 09, 2017 10:57 am

MochaAdmin wrote:Synny, I'm so happy to hear your dad is in remission!!.....YAY!......That's Huge!...... :D And it's really great he found another doc and staff to treat him. Fuck that first one and his staff.......what morons........the nerve of them telling your dad he was going to die right away.....what the fuck. :evil:

Fooled them, didn't he?..... :)

Btw......I think it would be a very good idea for you to get in therapy. No only to help you cope with your father's illness, the PTSD, but also learn to cope with much needed coping skills with your bp. We all need those no matter what's going on in our lives.

Welcome again to the site......Hope you'll stick around........

:)

Yeah it was pretty upsetting hearing that news.. He kept a positive attitude and kept his sense of humor when he started losing his beard and a bit of his hair, he made the comment that he only lost hair on one nut. I laughed so hard. He never really got sick from the chemo either, just an upset stomach at times. As for that doctor, i really hope i see that fucker again because i'm going to tell him, thanks for scaring my dad you fuck and he is remission. He was turned in for how he was towards my dad, but so far we haven't heard anything back.

I will be going in for therapy,I just need to quit putting it off. I know it will help me, because it's hard to express my feelings. My best friend tells me i can rant anytime. Last week my depression was really bad and i wasn't saying how i felt and was keeping everything bottled up. I do that a lot and he told me he was a bit upset because i wasn't talking to him about what is wrong and i always do.I felt like he gets tired of me complaining or whining and he told if he did he would tell me straight up.

I am planning to stick around. I'm glad i found this site, I like helping others as well and I'm so happy I met some of you. :)
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by Synny » Sat Dec 09, 2017 11:02 am

AvantGarde wrote:Sorry i didn't reply sooner, I didn't see your post.
Oh man, that's tough.. Poor kid. For any of us it would be terrible, for a kid that age I don't even know.

Like Mocha said, hope you stick around :) And yeah, therapy is da bomb.


It was yes, he was only 10 at the time. I do hope to stick around.. I'll be superglue, hard to remove. (that sounds bad now that i think of it sorry lol)
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