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Retraumatized (TW - SI)

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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 12:29 am

I figured why I've been so over the edge lately.

I was reading about the dangers of retraumatization here -> https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/ ... s-together
and realized I am retraumatized. I will talk to my tdoc about it, what to do and how to proceed. I'm seriously doubting this therapy is helping me, rather it feels like I'm doing worse and worse as time goes by and when it feels I'm getting better, we go deeper again into my past and it just becomes worse.

I know they say it has to become worse in order to get better, but I can't keep going like this. Yesterday as I went to bed I started seriously questioning my presence in life, and how it would be better for everyone if I just wasn't here to annoy them. I can't become suicidal again, I won't allow it. If this is hindering my mental health I prefer another approach.

I'm not doing well at all, and it feels safe to admit it here. I tried talking to people about it, but they are so used to me coming out of my issues alone that they dismiss it as just a phase that will blow over. "You're the strongest person I know" said a friend. No I'm fucking not. I'm scared as hell that this will only get worse.
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by Jemane » Wed Jul 19, 2017 1:38 am

It sounds like you need to discuss this with your tdoc, especially as therapy is making you worse.
It's understandable that you're scared. You've been through so much of course you don't want to go back to that dark place of depression.
I know we're only random internet people but i know everyone here on BPS values and cares for you. You are worth the effort of getting through this and you will get through this.
*lots of internet hugs*
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 1:54 am

You're not just random internet people, you are real and have real lives and your opinions matters more to me than the opinions of most people I meet in real life. I wouldn't bother talking to you about this if it wasn't so.

Thank you my friend and hugs back
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by Jemane » Wed Jul 19, 2017 1:57 am

Thanks AG. I feel I am very real, thankyou. I also feel I can share with my friends here more than my friends in real life. They just don't get it.
Are you sleeping ok now by the way?
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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:06 am

Weird nightmarish dreams and waking up really early, sleeping during the day (yesterday I didn't, but went to bed at 8pm)

I'm very glad you're real :)
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by Jemane » Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:29 am

Sounds like you might need to get in touch with your pdoc. Whenever I need to sleep that much I know my moods going down.
I'm sorry the nightmares are continuing. That must be horrible.
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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:34 am

I talked to both tdoc and pdoc. Both said "it's part of the process, hang in there".

Not high risk enough for hospital (lack of suicide attempt)

Thanks, it does suck. It always revolves around the same subject. Sometimes it gets pretty gory, I hate it. That's why I wake up so early, so I don't fall back asleep. I move a lot in my sleep too, but at least I'm not sleepwalking like a few months back.
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by Duckysmom » Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:44 am

Hugs, AG. Lots of hugs. Everything you said is what I'm afraid of, too. Like picking a wound and making it bleed again, feeling the pain and anger all over again. As you know, I have nightmares too. My tdoc and I have talked about that. I've kept it inside so long, buried it deep and kept it secret. I need to bring it out into the light and look at it now in order to let it go. I have to forgive, for myself, not for those that hurt me. Carrying this around inside me so long has been so detrimental to my well being. I have to work through it, one thing at a time. Breaks in between if needed.

Maybe you need a break or a different kind of therapy. We're all here for you.

Love you.
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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:53 am

Thanks Ducky, love you too and hugs back.

Tdoc just sent me an email with coping mechanisms. Some stuff I was forgetting we talked in therapy. Hopefully it will help just to manage until it passes.
Pdoc said in text she doesn't want to up my meds right now, it would be an easy way out but wouldn't solve anything, to remind myself that.

They keep using the sentence "You're strong", I don't know if they actually know what it means to be strong with this shit happening in our brains. Sometimes it fails, that's why they're there. Anyway, I'm not angry at them, I'm just angry period.
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by Duckysmom » Wed Jul 19, 2017 3:04 am

As you know from my previous post, sometimes the coping skills are not helpful. You are strong. So am I. But sometimes it just feels like I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm sure you feel the same ways at times, like now when the PTSD is kicking you in the gut. I hate to say it, since you already heard it, but hang in there. I have to remind myself often of that. What is in the dark is ugly to see in the light.
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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 3:15 am

Yeah, I know. We are. We repeat it often here.

I don't want to go into the whole philosophical idea of the validity of the way out that is suicide, as I know when I'm stable I don't believe in that crap. Right now it's ringing in my ears, since last night and it's not that I'm not strong right now to fight it, I am. I take a look at my pets and it eases. I'm just afraid it won't last, you know?

Last suicide attempt my mind went blank all of a sudden and I almost did it. I'm just afraid the pain will be big enough to trigger that shit again.

Tdoc is not in town, pdoc can't help. Mom is useless in this situation and has her own problems. Friends are not useful, don't want to be a burden either. This is all I have left.
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by Pancake » Wed Jul 19, 2017 3:16 am

Aaargh. I'm sorry you are suffering. Try not to shoot anyone.

Come over and watch some Buffy with me. Season 2! It's all angsty with the Angel thing.
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by Jemane » Wed Jul 19, 2017 3:17 am

That's crazy that to get hospitalised you would need to have a suicide attempt. Surely if someone felt they were at high risk and needed containing for their own safety that should be a reason for hospitalisation.
I'm sorry your pdoc hasn't offered any real solutions to your current distress. When are you seeing them next?
Are they wanting you to continue with the current therapy?
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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 3:21 am

Pan: I'm disappointed with Buffy, or with Whedon, not sure where to put the blame.

My feminist part says she shouldn't end up with, or even love, Spike because he tried to rape her, even though he got a soul afterwards. Soul or no soul, that shit is fucked up, and too similar with my own story. Guess who Whedon prefers over Angel? That's right, says he's "reliable" :roll: Twisted fucker.

Jemane: Pdoc I will only see in August and tdoc next week. I agree with the hospitalization part, but I'm releived anyway, hate hospital.
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by Spm24 » Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:41 am

I know there is nothing I can say that will ease this for you. I think you need to tell your tdoc that you want to shelf this type of therapy at least for awhile. It might be healthy for you to do so. I think that things are just getting too "real" right now and overwhelming you. Putting your senses in overdrive.

Just remember that ((HUGS)) , even virtual ones care very comforting. I have been worrying about you lately. You have not been yourself. Just remember that I care about what happens to you. It would never be the same without you....you know how hard this is but here goes..I love and care about you....
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:20 am

:o Thank you Shawn, from all my heart. You are a dear friend indeed. It means so much, see you open up like that, thank you. Brought tears and a big smile. Right moment! It's all about the timing. I love and care about you too :D

You guys' support means a lot, I do feel better. I was feeling pretty lost this morning. I know I haven't been myself since March, I try to be but it sounds fake. I need to put my priorities in check, mental health and being well is my priority. If that means putting trauma therapy on the shelf, like you said, for a while than so be it. I can't keep going like this, it's one thing after the other.

I honestly think tdoc came on too strong, since the trigger in March. He wanted to get on with it right away, I think I wasn't ready. And since the latest appointments I've been thinking if this is the right therapy for me, seems too brainwashy for my taste to be honest. But maybe I'm making up excuses. I was very excited to start it in the beginning. And it does help somewhat, it's been helping. See? I'm lost in this, I honestly don't know.

I was reading an article today about how therapy should feel like, and it used to be like that but now it feels I come out of there with my heart on my hands. I didn't learn in childhood or adulthood for that matter how to regulate my emotions well, that's why I'm in therapy. And he leaves that up to me, I always end up in a dark corner because my go-to mechanism is to hide.

But I'm trying. I took a nice long shower, dressed well, went for a walk, went to the supermarket, talked a bit with my crush that sells me cigs and came back home to cook dinner. Cooking relaxes me. I'm avoiding benzos right now, and revisiting old bookmarked websites on how to deal with this kind of stress from trauma. That's helping too.

I'm fighting this, guys. So it should pass, like it always does.
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by Spm24 » Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:32 am

I am glad it brought good tears and a smile to your face..I know you do and thank you for it...

That's what we are here for is support. We all know that even the smallest of support can be a huge difference in us.

As you have said in the past just getting out helps. So dressing up nice and seeing your crush had to be a big boost to your mood.

Always remember we are here for you anytime...
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 10:45 am

Thank you everyone. I just had dinner and I'm heading off to bed. Didn't sleep in the afternoon, thank dog, so I'm sleepy now.

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.

I'm sorry if I triggered anyone or if I bothered anyone. It was an extremelly difficult day today.

Good night, catch you all later for you, tomorrow for me :)

Love you guys
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by libellula » Wed Jul 19, 2017 1:08 pm

Sweet dream AG! A big kiss (there is no emoticon!)
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by Jemane » Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:46 pm

How are you today AG? Did you sleep ok? Hoping today brings better things for you.
( it's morning there right now I think?)
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by AvantGarde » Wed Jul 19, 2017 10:24 pm

I'm better, I slept okay, weird dream but I slept some more after instead of waking up at 5am. I need some coffee first to understand how I'm really feeling lol

Thanks for asking Jemane.

Edit: Coffee kicked in, I'm good. Seem stable, not wanting to cry or anything, so that's good. I think I just went in overdrive yesterday. I'm sorry if I freaked you guys out.
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by Jemane » Wed Jul 19, 2017 10:50 pm

So glad to hear you are doing better. We're concerned about you because we care about you. Hope you have a good day. Xx
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by Duckysmom » Thu Jul 20, 2017 2:07 am

Glad you're feeling better, AG. I just woke up, need to make coffee and get ready for work. It's storming outside. More rain. Yippee. More flooded roads. Must leave early. But wanted to give you hugs first.
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by AvantGarde » Thu Jul 20, 2017 2:30 am

Thanks guys. You're good friends, love you all with all my heart.

When I went to bed last night I used some of the coping skills my tdoc sent me, and it worked. I talked to my suicidal part and agreed to try things differently, to not overreact to my emotional state, that it is natural to feel overwhelmed by emotions. I was able to calm myself down and do some breathing exercises until I fell asleep.

Woke up better, and talked to that part again and it says it has no intention of doing anything, so I guess it mellowed now.

I also talked to my mom yesterday about how I was feeling, something I don't remember ever doing before. She's not the greatest at being supportive most of the time, but gave me a hug and said she loves me. Well, if you'd known her for as long as I do, you'd be pretty surprised too. She said she was noticing I was slipping and asked if I wanted to go to the ER. I told her I would try to make through the night and see how I am today. Lets see what the rest of the day brings.

As for my mom, she had her doctor's appt today and she will need to do more exams, a localized xray because this one wasn't so visible, so we will know more later this month. The doctor said it's not that serious, easily treated. She also has high blood pressure, needs to quit coffee and cigarettes. Lets see how that will work out... :?

Thanks for being here guys, your support was amazing. I'm always amazed by the amount of love this community has, thank you.
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by Spm24 » Thu Jul 20, 2017 8:32 am

Glad your feeling better today. From what I know of your mother what she said and offered must have caused you to take a few steps back. I know she is not the most feeling person in the world. I can understand that. I deal with it myself as you know. But to get back on subject, I'm glad your mother showed sympathy and compassion. Hope your mood keeps the upward swing..

I can imagine it will be hard to get your mother to stop those two things...
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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