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My (short) story [Heavy TW]

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by AvantGarde » Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:19 am

Inspired by Ducky and her courage to let it out, I think it will be benefitial for me to let people on the internet know what happened to me, not just some select group of people like it's a shame to hide what was not my fault from the world. Since tdoc thinks it's the cause of my mental issues, it's relevant for others too.

This is going to be long and possibly very triggering, but I'll keep the triggering to a minimum and try to take the shorter routes so it's readable.

It started before I was born really, my mom never did choose the men in her life wisely, and ended up with my father who already had two daughters with his previous wife who he cheated on with her sister - soap opera much?

He was an alcoholic, emotionally abusive asshole. He always treated everyone as inferiors to him, but I mean in a very disrespecful way. He was annoyed by me talking so much when I was a kid, and manipulated me to shut up by comparing me to my abusive grandmother on a daily basis. He used to tell my middle sister that she was not his daughter for sure, to the point when she was so conviced by him that when she had the money she did a dna test (she is his daughter, like she says, "unfortunately"). My mom got tired of it, and separated when I was 2 or 3. He returned to Portugal. I only saw him again when I was 5.

I came to live in Portugal then for two years, and something happened. I went from loving to be around him because he was my dad, to crying and throwing fits demanding not to be near him anymore. Some memories and weird stuff happened recently, leading me and my docs to think that it's possible that he sexually abused me back then, but there is no way to prove it, memory can be misleading and it's a very serious accusation, so we're treating symptoms not causation. Back to the past, I stopped meeting with him alone from there on out, up when I tried to cure him from his alcoholism and started meeting him again alone for lunch between classes, when I was 13.

At that time, I started drinking too and smoking weed. I hung out with a very bad crowd of gangsters (guns and heavy drug deals included) for about two and a half years until I got sent to live with my grandmother (the abusive one) that was bed ridden from Alzheimer's. One month before I was sent to live with her, I was sexually abused by this guy that came into my life, seduced me, abused me, stalked me, threatened me, and a bunch of other stuff, including following my family.

I became pregnant of him, but didn't know until I lost the child two months into the pregnancy. I didn't tell anyone.

I started having psychotic symptoms right after that, and deep mood swings. My mom thought it was the weed and alcohol. But I didn't quit, I was in a worse place afterall, instead of getting away from the heavy drug and gun world, I was put in another place full of it. This time they kinda protected me from it in the beginning, they weren't as bad as the ones before, but later my house became the safe place to hang out and hide/cut stuff (heroin, cocaine, hashish), after my grandma died..

(Comic relief moment - there was this one time I arrived home and there was this HUGE pile of weed on my dinner table and a friend with his arms open saying "This is all for you, lovely!" I was so happy! Anyway, moving on...)

I then decided I was over that and asked my mom to go back to the city, cut ties with everyone there and went to a hippie school. Trouble is kinda of in my blood, so I cut off with the second bad crowd to find a third one :roll: But I wasn't naive anymore, so I kept myself apart from the deals and started my journey of solitude. But in the meanwhile I was treated very badly by every guy I dated, from dating me and making fun, to calling me while having sex with other people, to stalking me by my bedroom window,...

I met this guy, we became good friends first and started dating. We fell in love pretty fast and had a three year relationship, very passionate and loving. He was a mess though, he had these rage attacks when he was pissed and destroyed everything in his way. We had a few violent arguments. We broke up because of it, and I started dating another guy just a few months after that as a rebound.

The rebound guy sexually abused me, and I, stupid, decided it wasn't sexual abuse because I had sex with him before and decided to live with him just a few months after that, when my mom kicked me out of the house for the second time. I lived with him for two and a half years, and he emotionally, physically and sexually abused me countless times during that period. I tried to commit suicide because it was unbearable, I couldn't see a way out. When I didn't succeed in that, and saw that nobody gave a crap wether I lived or died, I realized that I gave a crap and literally kicked him out of the house (he almost fell down the stairs of the building :twisted:)

During this relationship, he managed to make me lose most of my closest friends by manipulating me into having fights with them and doing stuff to them I didn't like to them, driving them away from me for good. I tried to reconnect with them after that, but none of them wanted to.

I began my intense 5 year long mania right after the depression that came with the breakup. I got in deeper into the drug world, taking acid every week, along with long nights of cocaine or mdma or speed or all of them combined (while I was with him I took mdma just to enjoy the sex, and speed to work). And I fell in love with this guy, he was sweet, he liked me for me not me crazy me, but when psychosis broke, he couldn't handle it and ran off with my best friend. I had countless meaningless sex encounters during that time, which I don't regret, but I'm very lucky to not have any diseases as a reminder.

Got myself landed in a hospital, with a straightjacket strapped around me, not knowing how the fuck I got there, thinking I was god. I got out to go live with my mother again, and here I am, the rest is in the archives here.

All this time, since my teens to the hospitalization, my family thought of me as a junkie with no future to look forward to. They tried to help me countless times, but I always thought of it as attempts of control, which they actually were but well intentioned. My mother rejected me, critized me, emotionally abused me, even tried to drug me once so I wouldn't leave the house by putting a lot of benzos in a glass of juice that I didn't drink because I saw her do it. I got scared with that and never truster her again.

Nowadays, our relationship is an adult one. She doesn't respect me much most of the time, but respects my boundaries when I lay them to her, but isn't abusive anymore. I just think that she just doesn't want to die alone. She's sick and is helping me get through this period even if only with monetary help.

So, I still have a long way to go. It's not over yet, my life is on reset right now.
Thanks for reading.
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by Duckysmom » Sun Jul 16, 2017 3:48 am

AG, thank you for sharing your story. Helps me (us) understand what you have gone through and the demos you are now fighting. It took courage to share and if my ranting and raging helped you to do that, I'm glad I let it out here for you to see. Your story will help others as well. I'm sorry you went through all that. Not in a pitying way. Just as a friend who hates that you suffered.

Somehow, all this shit we've been through has made us stronger people than most.

Holding your hand and giving you big hugs!
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by AvantGarde » Sun Jul 16, 2017 4:52 am

Somehow, all this shit we've been through has made us stronger people than most.

Holding your hand and giving you big hugs!


Thank you ducky :) you're absolutely right!

I'm seeing things with some clarity today, which is good.
It felt good to get it out there.
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by Spm24 » Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:11 am

All I can say is you have been through a lot in your life. Your growing from it so that is always a good thing that has occurred from everything. Making you a stronger person...

Thank you for sharing I am sure it will help others
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:14 am

Thank you dear Shawn :)
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by hal » Sun Jul 16, 2017 3:55 pm

Big and many {{HUGS}} out to you across the water, AG!
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by Mocha » Sun Jul 16, 2017 9:45 pm

AG, it took a lot of courage to put your story out there for everyone to read. And I'm glad you did.

love you girl........ :)
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by AvantGarde » Sun Jul 16, 2017 10:34 pm

Thank you guys :) I do feel better. Slept better too.
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by libellula » Mon Jul 17, 2017 1:43 am

AG you are really a very strong person. All my understanding and support.
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by Jemane » Mon Jul 17, 2017 1:47 am

Wow, you've been through so much. Thankyou for sharing that with us, no wonder you've been struggling with the after effects of going through stuff like that.
We're all here for you, thanks for trusting us with your story, friend.
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by AvantGarde » Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:33 am

Thank you Dani and Jemane :)

It came down on me today, rereading this. It was in fact a lot in such a short span of time. No wonder I feel like shit! The thing is, since I came down from the depression post mania, I've been kinda confused and lost trying to grab a hold of my mental health like I'm going to lose it at any minute. It's been a slow ride to get to where I'm at right now, but lately it's been moving faster and I'm afraid I can't keep up.

I haven't talked about the abortion in ages, I talked to a gynecologist and she said it had no serious health consequences, I did have an infection but it was easily treated. I haven't even told my tdoc about it, never crossed my mind to tell him. How could I forget such an important detail? I didn't even notice how much it affected my perception about having kids, since the gyno told me it could affect my fertility in the future. I will talk to tdoc about it next session.
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by Duckysmom » Mon Jul 17, 2017 4:06 am

AG, with all you've been through some details are bound to get lost in the shuffle. I know there are several things that I haven't mentioned even in passing to my tdoc, and entire parts of my life I have no memory of. I've never even talked about my sister, just about my childhood and how my mom was never really there emotionally. I already know what I will bring up at my next session.

Don't beat yourself up about not telling everything. You have a lot to tell. Can't get into everything at once or you'll be running in circles. As my tdoc says, one thing at a time.
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by AvantGarde » Mon Jul 17, 2017 4:37 am

Yeah, you're right. Thank you. I was starting to freak out, I'm calmer now.

Tdoc told me not to revisit the past much, so I'm trying to distract my mind by playing a game of pool online :)
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by Duckysmom » Mon Jul 17, 2017 6:20 am

You're welcome. That's what we're here for, right? To help each other.
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by AvantGarde » Mon Jul 17, 2017 6:35 am

A big hug to you Ducky
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