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CPTSD - realizations

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by AvantGarde » Fri Jul 14, 2017 1:11 am

So, I've been mopping and brooding and crying and all that. I spent two weeks watching a marathon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, thinking how well the metaphors in the series fit in my life (although I went to a hippie high school and it was a bit different, the issues over that period of my life were relevant). It was like going back in time, had a bunch of memories popping up, some good ones too.

I realized that the balance between good and evil in the world is in fact made by each one of us, the choices we make on how we treat others and how that plays a factor in how we are treated. That doesn't mean it's my fault on anything that happened to me, it wasn't, but that I did choose to remain quiet and angry, almost turning to the dark side.

There is a hint in the series that Buffy is in fact schizophrenic and all of that craziness only happens inside her head and she's commited to a mental institution. It's funny though, when I saw that I realized how much my looooooong years of psychosis influenced me and that it is the time to break from that. I realized my whole life was defined by symptoms, not allowing my true self to show because it would be too overwhelming for me to actually take some responsibility in how I treated myself, the choices I made despite the symptoms.

Now, I don't have that anymore. I'm being treated, symptoms are occasional and minimal, not like they were before. I bouce back fairly quickly from my issues, have a good support system and I'm willing to go the extra mile to overcome obstacles.
I'm dealing with my bottled up anger, my inability to feel unless I'm depressed, the masks I put on not to deal with who I really am. I think the only place I'm trully myself is here, behind the anonimity of the internet, and in therapy. I don't show myself to others, even though I'm actually cool as a person.

My idea of myself is always misrepresented by what happened to me, and how I dealt with it when I was very sick and that's a trick my mind plays on me and I realize it now. I'm not sick as a person, I'm not evil, I didn't deserve what happened to me as a child, teenager and adult.

I think this is the second big step in healing from CPTSD. The first was actually asking for help.

Ah, feels good to feel better. Thanks for reading.
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by Mocha » Fri Jul 14, 2017 1:19 am

AvantGarde wrote: I'm not sick as a person, I'm not evil, I didn't deserve what happened to me as a child, teenager and adult.

amen to that....... :)



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by Pancake » Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:41 am

Aaargh I just hit the wrong button and pasted over my Buffy analysis. *Grumbles*

We can stop panicking, no self-respecting psych team would think that the grisly murder of your delusions would be a safe thing to do, that's just disturbing. How on earth does someone who's delusional tell what's delusions, and know who to kill? Ergo, the Buffyverse is real.

Unless she's hallucinating the psychiatrist telling her that and now its all too inception aaargh.

What's your favourite episode?

Ok serious stuff.
I did choose to remain quiet and angry

I could go around in my own circular arguments all day, so I'm going to kick in another ball. Could you have chosen differently then? You know so much more now, and have a lot of distance and perspective that you didn't have before.

Just a thought (:
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by AvantGarde » Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:05 am

The Buffyverse is definitely real. AGverse however... :D

My favorite episodes are the one where Buffy exchanges body with Faith, the one when Angel comes back (I'm a sucker for the whole Buffy/Angel thing, their love creates a new reality dimension in the comics) in the last season prior to the finale when she cuts the evil guy in half and the series finale because well, considering the amount of destruction and also Willow's role in it, is damn impressive. I can't choose between those three.

And you're absolutely right. I just came back from tdoc and we discussed that precisely, I keep thinking I'm responsible for the harm that was done to me, when even my reactions were 'programmed' to be revictimizing. So, yeah, not my responsibility. My subsconscious mind will pick up on that eventually, I hope :lol:
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by Spm24 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 7:27 am

AvantGarde wrote:I don't show myself to others, even though I'm actually cool as a person.


Love that sentence. It shows that your truly in touch with yourself. We knew you were a cool person :lol: . Not much else today for you, my brain is slow.... :x
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by jmangum80 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 7:44 am

Ag,
My idea of myself is always misrepresented by what happened to me, and how I dealt with it when I was very sick and that's a trick my mind plays on me


Thank you. This really resonates with me. Attatchment and Identification with past or illusory future. Fear management.
Thank you :)
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by Duckysmom » Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:10 am

AG, I love your openness about your CPTSD. I relate to so much and feel so much less alone. My last tdoc appt, I told her I felt set up as a child for a life of victimization. I'm starting to get in touch with that anger I never allowed tbe child in me to feel. It's getting scarier.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:54 am

Ducky, anger is natural. You were a child, they were supposed to protect you. It's in your right to be angry. The trick is learning how to channel it in a healthy way. And it's a damn good trick, if you learn it let me know :lol: I keep it bottled up, unhealthy of me I know. Really haven't learned how to release it, and tdoc keeps telling me it's me who has to find out. Exercise helps a lot. I'm thinking of starting kickboxing or something. In September I'll start swimming again, there's a bunch of pools near here.
I am glad I can help you and that you feel less alone. When you started talking about your ptsd I felt the same way :)

J, glad it resonated with you.

Shawn, :lol: I'm cool as a fridge.
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by Spm24 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:56 am

Your cool as a cucumber AG :lol:
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:58 am

Fresh as an autumn evening. :lol:
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by Pancake » Fri Jul 14, 2017 2:28 pm

AvantGarde wrote:The Buffyverse is definitely real. AGverse however... :D

My favorite episodes are the one where Buffy exchanges body with Faith, the one when Angel comes back (I'm a sucker for the whole Buffy/Angel thing, their love creates a new reality dimension in the comics) in the last season prior to the finale when she cuts the evil guy in half and the series finale because well, considering the amount of destruction and also Willow's role in it, is damn impressive. I can't choose between those three.

I like Hush, and I'm a sucker for the musical episode.

And you're absolutely right. I just came back from tdoc and we discussed that precisely, I keep thinking I'm responsible for the harm that was done to me, when even my reactions were 'programmed' to be revictimizing. So, yeah, not my responsibility. My subsconscious mind will pick up on that eventually, I hope :lol:

I love being right (;
I mentioned it because I do the same thing, and have to yank my own puppet strings. It's a spiralling, self-defeating argument with myself, if I get caught up in it! Stupid hyperactive imagination, inventing all the crystal ball realities that *could have been, if only*. No! They couldn't. Be now.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Jul 14, 2017 9:30 pm

Hush is awesome. Some creepy fellows, the most creepy of them all I thought.
The musical was fun :D

"Be now" is good. I was talking to a friend, he's a buddhist. He doens't believe in the self, he beleives we have patterns of behaviour and thought, the work he does in therapy is to try to change the more destructive patterns.
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