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New to recovery and afraid of feeling good.

Ask questions! Share your worries and fears.

by WndrMgzLnd » Tue Sep 05, 2017 8:43 am

I am new to recovery, I have never really accepted my diagnoses before...ever. I was diagnosed as being manic depressive when I was a preteen and refused to continue therapy I became very self destructive and caused myself a lot of problems, I am now officially diagnosed as Bi polar type 2 rapid cycling with PTSD.... this has literally been the hardest and most rewarding, scariest and most humbling experience of my life... Choosing recovery has been a major step for me and I am proud of myself for it but am finding it difficult to figure out what is me and what is my mental illness, I am not sure if anyone else has ever felt this way but because I am rapid cycling I am actually afraid of feeling genuinely happy... every time I have a good day I am scared its the start of a cycle and this is probably making me cycle more often, the being afraid I mean...has anyone ever dealt with this ? any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
" You must do the thing you think you cannot do" - Eleanor Roosevelt
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by AvantGarde » Tue Sep 05, 2017 8:50 am

Hi :)

So, not to burst your bubble or anything. But recovery means very different things for any mental illness. Means one thing or two things for schizophrenia, other stuff for PTSD, other stuff for DID, etc.

We don't really like the word recovery for BP around here, to be honest. It implies a cure, and there is no cure. There's stability. And that's not exactly recovery, but more like hard work in therapy and sheer luck with meds.

I work for recovery from my trauma, but don't work for recovery for BP for example. I'm aware trauma is treatable, but BP is episodical. So if I work really hard towards recovery for BP and have a manic episode out of the blue, it seems like all the work I did in the past will just go into oblivion.

I think the best thing to do in terms of recovery from the shock of having a mental illness like BP is accepting it is episodical and work around that with your mental health team.

:) But hey, I like your enthusiasm.
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by Stuckles » Tue Sep 05, 2017 8:58 am

I know that feeling ... and it's hard sometimes to just enjoy it for what it is while it lasts. Other times I get over optimistic that I'm going to keep on feeling that way and never feel bad again and that's just as bad for me as I just set myself up for disappointment.

I'm in a 'stable' place relatively speaking but I guess I'm afraid of stepping outside that comfort zone. I don't want to take on challenges as I fear my mind would go off on it's own tangent again. Well that and the fact that I often don't have the physical energy to stay the course, let alone loss of energy from depression :P

For the most part though, when I have a 'good day', I just go with the feeling and work on keeping the intrusive thoughts out of the way instead of giving in to them and letting them drag me down.

Like AG says, BP is not 'curable' but it is manageable to an extent and that's where the med's and therapy comes in.
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by Spm24 » Tue Sep 05, 2017 9:12 am

When I am happy I tend to fear that I am on my way up. Just as when I am just sad I am afraid it means I am spiralling down. The only thing I know to do is be vigilant but not to read to much into the moods always. Sometimes it is just being happy or sad.

Learning how to watch our moods takes time to get adjusted to. With time and therapy it does get better and easier to recognize when mood swings start.
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by AvantGarde » Tue Sep 05, 2017 9:15 am

Spm24 wrote:Sometimes it is just being happy or sad.


I'm so paranoid about moods that I really can't tell when I'm just in a good mood or hypomanic, or sad vs. depressed. It's one of the tough ones for me.
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by WndrMgzLnd » Tue Sep 05, 2017 10:06 am

Stuckles wrote:I know that feeling ... and it's hard sometimes to just enjoy it for what it is while it lasts. Other times I get over optimistic that I'm going to keep on feeling that way and never feel bad again and that's just as bad for me as I just set myself up for disappointment.

I'm in a 'stable' place relatively speaking but I guess I'm afraid of stepping outside that comfort zone. I don't want to take on challenges as I fear my mind would go off on it's own tangent again. Well that and the fact that I often don't have the physical energy to stay the course, let alone loss of energy from depression :P

For the most part though, when I have a 'good day', I just go with the feeling and work on keeping the intrusive thoughts out of the way instead of giving in to them and letting them drag me down.

Like AG says, BP is not 'curable' but it is manageable to an extent and that's where the med's and therapy comes in.



Thanks that makes sense, in terms of recovery I just mean not going back to where I once was in a place of denial and succumbing to my demons... maintaining a positive lifestyle and staying on track to ensure that I am making the most of my life. I keep telling myself to just accept was is and let go of what was...taking it a day at a time... I am still waiting to see someone for therapy but am on the mend and taking medication regularly as well as making modifications to medication, I am hoping that we found the right medication this time :).
" You must do the thing you think you cannot do" - Eleanor Roosevelt
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by WndrMgzLnd » Tue Sep 05, 2017 10:09 am

Spm24 wrote:When I am happy I tend to fear that I am on my way up. Just as when I am just sad I am afraid it means I am spiralling down. The only thing I know to do is be vigilant but not to read to much into the moods always. Sometimes it is just being happy or sad.

Learning how to watch our moods takes time to get adjusted to. With time and therapy it does get better and easier to recognize when mood swings start.


Thanks, its nice to converse with people who "speak my language" so to speak, I kind of feel a little less alone now that I have found this site. Thanks for taking the time to share your experience with me, it means a lot.
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by hal » Tue Sep 05, 2017 2:06 pm

Welcome WndrMgzLnd.

Alas, BP isn't curable, and we can't expect the symptoms to go away forever, but taking our meds faithfully and seeing tdoc helps reduce the burden. Coming here makes it easier too. You're right that it's good to be in the company of people who understand and share.
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by Pancake » Tue Sep 05, 2017 3:22 pm

Hi and welcome.

Just thinking of the fear of going up, I did have an abject terror of new meds for a while after my GP sent me on a couple of medication-induced highs. I really don't like feeling out of control.

My fear has classically been more of downs than ups, and once I was on better medication it took me a good 6months to trust that it was working. I still have swings, but they usually aren't as severe and they don't last.

One thing that helps for me is to have a plan, if it lasts longer than X (depending on severity), I call the dr. At least, I tell myself that. I'm not as good at following through as I'd like to think :roll:

Still, there's a plan.
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by MochaAdmin » Tue Sep 05, 2017 5:25 pm

Hi WndrMgzLnd............. :)

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by loreleiG » Tue Sep 12, 2017 3:34 pm

Hi and welcome! Although I'm a somewhat new member as well. I'm a little late to the party, but I feel the same way! Unfortunately I have no advice or solution, I just really like to engage with others who "speak my language" as you mentioned in an earlier post.

I am not sure who I am anymore, but I'm trying my darndest to figure it out! I'm terrified of feeling too happy or sad. Mostly afraid of feeling too happy, as my "major" hypomanic episode led me to breaking up with my long-time boyfriend (now husband...he's a trooper to say the least). I don't want to mess anything up as my life is pretty good other than the Bipolar 2 diagnosis I received in June whilst trying to navigate daily life.

Here's to hoping we can soon distinguish between who we are and our mental illness! I know we can do it, but it'll be a journey. I'm going to therapy again soon and hoping that'll help!
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