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Miserable and Undetermined

Ask questions! Share your worries and fears.

by akasim1 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 5:22 am

HI EVERYONE !

I had been diagnosed few weeks ago.After the diagnosis i realised the mistakes that left scars that might never heal.
but i can describe my life in a poem called 'IT':

I wear the mask of normal
while inside torn apart
I awake each day not knowing
in what mood I may start.
As I try hard not to let IT
take control of my head,
some days without warning
IT takes all of me instead.
Each time IT comes to visit
I’m afraid it will show
the ugliness and hatefulness
IT always has in tow.
Each time this feeling hits me,
inside my head I shout,
please stop, I’m scared and go away
never come back, stay out!
I feel as though I’m losing it,
falling off the edge.
But somehow, someway I manage to just teeter on that edge.
My heart starts pounding as my mind races,
my thoughts are out of control,
I feel as though I’m someone else
and they’re trying to take my soul.
I know if I hang in there, myself will reappear
and just as quickly as IT started, IT just might disappear.
I do and say things I regret, and to myself that’s such a threat.
I feel at times that no one truly understands,
because even I have questions,
and that it’s out of my hands.
But with my faith in God, my son
My friends, family and a little care,
I feel I have a chance at life,
and I know I have a lot to share.
God has blessed me in many ways,
and I owe my life to Him.
He was my rock and guider,
when I wanted to give up or in.
But that would be giving in to,
the IT I feel is sin.
Bipolar is a disorder that consumes your
every thought, and when in the
grasp of ITs strong control,
you say things, do things, act in ways
you never thought were possible.
The thought of IT having control,
is almost an unbearable thought.
People just don’t understand,
that IT comes and IT goes,
when we least expect it.
And can cause an otherwise
normal, dare I say, person
to sin cause violence and literally
lose their mind.
But with the right care and medicine,
we as the holder of IT,
can live a life as close to normal,
as we will ever be allowed.
Never quit, and never give in or up.
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it … I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
akasim1
 
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by AvantGarde » Thu Aug 03, 2017 5:58 am

Hi and welcome again :)

Good poem. Glad you found an outlet for your emotions.
With time, things get easier.

Are you in therapy or considering therapy?
Are you on meds yet?
Genetically evolved chicken at your service

My therapist says I don't have crazy eyes

Never surrender your freedom of being to the veridict of those who are strangers to your inner workings
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by akasim1 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 6:07 am

thanks for the reply.

i really need to talk to someone who can help get me answers to tons of questions i have with this DISEASE.

i feel helpless. I don't wanna talk to my parents and friends about this coz i know they will get really close ,and that i'm afraid i can't deal with right now.

Yes i have a pdoc and tdoxc, but it's hardly a help. Could be coz of my new diagnosis . i don't know.

yes i am on Lamictal,seroquel but the depression is like a boomrang no matter how far i try to avoid it ,it always comes back with high intensity than the prevous one that i thought i 'conquered' .

Wow! it had been an overwhelming experience but i think i can survive .
i do not have any suicidal thoughts but i feel hopelessness and the choke i feel through it.

i just need somebody to HELP me .I'm loosing my mind .
Somebody!! Plz help.i don't know how to deal with this disease .i dont know how long i'm gonna last.
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it … I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
akasim1
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Aug 03, 2017 4:38 am

by akasim1 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 6:24 am

I FEEL EXTEMELY LOW RIGHT NOW...DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, WHEN REALLY DON'T WANNA DO ANYTHING AND GETTING RESTLESS.
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it … I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
akasim1
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Aug 03, 2017 4:38 am

by AvantGarde » Thu Aug 03, 2017 6:39 am

Akasim, take a deep breath.

You were just diagnosed a little while ago, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed when we're depressed.

We are not mental health professionals, but maybe we can help. Not sure until you tell us.

What questions do you have?
Genetically evolved chicken at your service

My therapist says I don't have crazy eyes

Never surrender your freedom of being to the veridict of those who are strangers to your inner workings
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by akasim1 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 7:21 am

THE FREQUENCY OF HIGHS AND LOWS IS TOO CONFUSING.
I do remember when i was in Manic(1st time) state ,i felt the confidence,focus and a lot of traits i always desired but never felt it.
Now i'm switching b/w massive mood swings, mostly depression ,that i can't deal with .

It is really scary to live like this ,i don't know if it's alright to talk with friends or colleagues about my disease ,coz i'm afraid after telling about this condition , i don't know how they will react.
i get a lot of questions at work for being quiet and aloof.
they said i used to be funny and polite , compared to now like irrational,irritated.

Is it possible to Get back the manic state, or is there any triggers that can activate it, bcoz i'm really loosing my mind right now, with depression.
i am trying to keep my sanity but can't promise.

I can feel it inside that i will explode into the maddness , that is inevitable, and the restlessness of not knowing how the live like this.

and it cannot be just anwered by 'Everything will be alright'...i hate to say this but if i got a dime everyone says that to me.Din't mean to be rude.
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it … I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
akasim1
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Aug 03, 2017 4:38 am

by Duckysmom » Thu Aug 03, 2017 7:29 am

You wete just diagnosed and that can be the most confusong time. Striving for manic is not a good idea. Striving for stability is the goal for BP. You need to call your pdoc (psychiatrist) and I hope you are in therapy to help you with this.

As for sharing your dx with those you work with, I would be careful. There is still a lot of stigma out there. If you need to say anything, maybe just saying you're going through a rough time right now is enough.
"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one."
Bruce Lee
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by AvantGarde » Thu Aug 03, 2017 7:31 am

Well, if you want to be manic then everything won't be alright for sure. I can't in good conscious tell you triggers for mania, or how to achieve it really :?

I find I'm funnier and healthier when I'm stable, honestly. Mania can be devastating, hypomania is too hypo and depression just overall sucks. Best to be stable.

My advice is work with your pdoc and tdoc to get stable, it might take a while.

Regarding telling other people... I tell a lot of people, mostly everyone. But I do that because I want to show them that I'm okay, I only have bad periods of my life. You should tell who you feel comfortable in telling, not everyone understands for sure. I think you're in a delicate place right now, maybe best to get a bit better.
Genetically evolved chicken at your service

My therapist says I don't have crazy eyes

Never surrender your freedom of being to the veridict of those who are strangers to your inner workings
User avatar
AvantGarde
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by akasim1 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 7:45 am

thanks a lot guys for the help.i hope one day i will stabalize and breathe the air again.
i'll keep posting.God bless
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it … I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
akasim1
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Aug 03, 2017 4:38 am

by hal » Thu Aug 03, 2017 5:03 pm

Thanks for joining us, akasim1. Yes, this disorder can be scary and depression SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. And if you're cycling rapidly, that makes it even worse. But there are many caring, informed, helpful people here. I hope you stick around.
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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