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I am tired!!

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by Nigeo6564 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:45 am

I am having a SHIT day...have been having a shit day for about a week now.....

I am so frustrated!!!!!! I have too much stress and worries!!!! I cant deal with the reality of all my problems!! I am tired!! I am tired of taking medication, and I am tired of wearing the title of being BIPOLAR!!!!! I hate this shit and I hate feeling this way! All I feel is stressed about what is going on in my life and the problems with my brother...I cant cope!!! Sometimes the reality is much darker that what you think...The sun is shining out there but you have darkness all around you....I am in a very bad space.....I feel sick to my stomach!!!! I feel like screaming so loud and I imagine myself that whilst I am screaming I shout all the stress out and the bipolar sickness just go away from me!!! I am tired!! :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!:

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by AvantGarde » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:54 am

Nigeo, about the SH and the SI, maybe go rest a few days at the hospital and have someone take care of you for a change? Honestly, I really think it's the best you can do right now.

When it crosses a certain threshold we must remember we have an illness and illnesses are dealt with with doctors and hospitals in severe situations.

Besides, this is a particularly difficult time of year for us with mood disorders. I really think it's best if you take care of yourself first and foremost and then think of others.

And please, stop harming yourself, you're not at fault. Slap your brother if you need to, a pat on the butt ;)
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by Nigeo6564 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 3:19 am

I wish it was so easy....I totally get what you are saying...it just sucks being in this position and knowing I have only 2 options available to myself...1 hospital or 2 meds change....why cant life just be a litter simpler??
Illness....I know right...it is an illness but I hate having it and to be treated like an illness and taking meds for this stupid illness!!
I am sorry I am in just such a bad space that I don't know left from right...
I wish a pat can help me deal with my brother...he is a newly confessed drug abuser and I don't know how to deal with this as he is lying to my whole family and I must keep the secret!!! such a long story...I wish I had the energy to explain...
My problem is I always get pulled into shit situations and then when they feel better I am stuck with the shit in my head and heart!!
Hate this feeling!!
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by AvantGarde » Mon Nov 27, 2017 3:29 am

Well, I'm a recovering drug abuser and I have to say that he coming clean with you is a good sign that he wants help. Either that or he's going through that phase of "fuck it, let them know" which always backfires.
Either way, substance abuse is also a disorder, reaches a certain point when it's not the person's fault or choice, but a compulsion. He's probably reaching out to you. But, and this is a big but, we can't save anyone. People need to handle their shit by themselves. He really needs to handle his shit by himself.

Life has stuff happening, sometimes serious shit like this, that seems to take away our strenght but in fact gives us some more.

My advice to you, try not to take it too personally. I know we have the temptation to think stuff is about us or that we failed somehow, especially with people we care about so much and are close to us. But it has nothing to do with us. When we realize this, it really becomes easier to do what actually needs to be done, the strenght comes back.

Also, this time of year sucks for us all :roll: Keep that in mind.

Really, don't take it out on yourself. What your brother does to his life, it's his own business. If he wants help, good. If not, let him be. It has nothing to do with you, you won't love him any less.
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by Nigeo6564 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:07 am

Thank you for your advise...it means a lot to me....I will take it to heart!
I always try and not take anything personal but because of his lies he has now lost his job (last week) and I am stressing myself to death about what if my parents find out that we have been keeping this mother of a secret from them...it I just such a mess!! He has now lied even further and said to my parents that the company ended his contract, but in fact he had to resign to ensure that they don't fire him for drug abuse....The company tried helping him by outing him on paid suspension but he fail to come clean in 8 weeks...every week he kept testing positive....so is he using??That is the question because the work will not fire him if they thought that might be a chance that after 8 weeks it could still be in his system....What was a 2 week detox, third week clean turned out to be a 8 week still positive test and now no job but is busy going through a divorce and needs to pay maintenance!!! He asked now to stay with us until January.....more lies...I don't know.... I am so done with all of this and he has now made it impossible for us to not take it personally and at heart!! No home, no wife, no kid, no job, no money!!!!! it worries me and I cant back down otherwise he will have no where to go!!
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by AvantGarde » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:29 am

It is really a major load on your shoulders. I can understand how stressed you are... Do you have benzos or something to help you get through this with minimal anxiety?

If I were you, I would set a time limit and be strict with it. He said January, so January it is. And don't give him any money for drugs, he's under your roof, he eats your food, he doesn't need anything else from you. He needs to get serious about himself, he's obviously losing everything to his drug addiction, and without himself realizing he needs to go get help, he really won't get better, no matter what you do.

I do understand that folks tend to look at these situations with frustration and anger, like it is a choice. But it isn't. It's gotten out of his control, because of his compulsion. He will see it eventually, you'll see. It will just take time. Years maybe. That's why I'm saying he shouldn't stay longer than the time limit you set for him.

If you were to tell your parents, would they help him?
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by Nigeo6564 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:38 am

He told my parents that his job contract came to an end so they are aware that off this month he will no longer have a job....

Problem is I think...think...that my parents have been supporting him financially since the divorce, so if this is the case, they might be very upset but yes they will try and help him....I don't know how they will help him because they too can put a roof over his head but how will he pay for his debt and maintenance? My parents are retired already...

I only have the normal meds to take, I don't have something additional to help through very stressful periods.....feels like my meds are not working as my stress is overworking my meds I think...
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by Pancake » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:43 am

Nigeo perhaps something you could do regarding your brother is contact an organisation that helps people with addiction. They will often have a resource for families that can guide you.
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by AvantGarde » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:48 am

How he pays for his debt and maintenance it's his own business. He's a perfectly capable person to work, if he lays off the drugs. For that he needs professional help, probably.

Honestly, he's setting you all up in his screwed up issues. I know families are supposed to help each other, but seems to me that right now you are all inadvertedly helping him further his problems, not solve them.

I'm going to give you some bad news, but everyone I know who is addicted to drugs is living at their parents and their parents still pay for the drugs, without knowing. They're in their 30's! So, coddling won't help.

Trying to think of a solution for you here, to get this load off of you. If maybe your parents would help him out to get professional help, or you doing that, not money or housing. If he were to go to assisted living for a while, that might've help him see that he lost everything to drugs. While he has people still giving him money (and him lying to them, otherwise they wouldn't...), housing, food, etc, it's not rock bottom yet.

Now, you have a mental illness and don't need this kind of stress. I think your meds are working, but anxiety is too major right now, which makes it seem like they aren't. Maybe call pdoc and ask for an anti anxiety med?
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by Nigeo6564 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 5:44 am

My problem is my heart is very soft....my husband always says that both my brother manipulate me so easily because I am too soft! I have tried changing myself to not be like that but it is like asking an apple to become a pear....it is just impossible for me. My doctor also said that I get hurt easily because I am to soft and I have no hard outer shell to protect myself, I am open for everything and that is why I am so sensitive and get hurt easily. I am by no means a push over but I suppose a walk over.... :?

I am hoping that my oldest brother will get him a decent job in January!!! Then he moves away from here and he is out of the "usual" routine and he can move on....
I am not sure of my parents will get him professional help....I am not sure they might only house him to ensure that he does not take again....get him clean.....What you say about the parents paying for drugs even though they don't know...that is so sad because you should not do that to your parents...

We are brand new to this drug thing so we don't know much, but what a close friend has told me is that drug users are such good liars....they will look you in the eye and lie to you! She said that what makes me think that he is not lying to us, as he is lying to everyone else....it is so scary....

I am thinking of phoning my doctor and asking him for something for just now....just to get me through this December and January....I am seriously considering this...I am seeing him Dec 15th so .......
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by AvantGarde » Mon Nov 27, 2017 5:58 am

Calling your doc might be a good idea.

That thing your friend told you is a general idea, but not always the truth. I only lied in my teens, after that I was actually responsible and only bought drugs with my own money, that I worked for. But not everyone is the same...
There's a lot of stigma towards folks with drug addiction.. please don't fall in that trap. Love your brother, if you think you can handle it get him professional help please do.

I think that should be the course of action, getting him proper professional help. It is in fact a disorder, not a fault in personality.
Saying substance abusers are liars is like saying folks with bipolar are all megalomaniacs, some are most aren't. But in acute phases, it's possible that he will lie to try to keep his addiction going, like we avoid the hospital at all costs.
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by Nigeo6564 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:26 am

thank you so much AvantGarde!

I hear you and I understand what you are saying...
You are right...we try and avoid hospitals....so perhaps he is doing the same....I will speak to my husband today and find out if we can help him with professional help...you have been a great help!

Thank you for listening to me...You don't understand what this means to me...I had a chance to vent and you listened and gave advise...when I started this I felt very hopeless, but you have given me some hope....thank you so much! :)

Thank you so much!
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by Nigeo6564 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:29 am

Hi Pancake, I am sorry I only saw your post now....thank you for the suggestion. I will most definitely consider getting help from the outside as we are pretty much clueless when it comes to this, so outside help will also help in this case.... thank you! ;)
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by AvantGarde » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:30 am

No problem, we're here for each other.

(I wouldn't accept an Etsy gift card from you, only a hug) :lol:
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by Nigeo6564 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:33 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: thank you dear...here is you hug (HUGS) :D
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by AvantGarde » Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:37 am

I appreciate it!

A (hug) back :D
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