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"It's not erotomania if he loves you back"

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by AvantGarde » Sun Oct 08, 2017 12:32 am

This could be the title of a short story, and I opened a new word document, but I want an audience for my epiphany. It's good it's on the internet too, and if someone else might have gone through something similar reads it and finds it relatable, good. Maybe the people involved will read it and get some insight out of it. If someone else out there is reading and finds that we folks with BP were given the short straw of complete crazy, this is just talking about me, leave others out of it.

This is going to be long, and it's a vent and all that I remember that I had forgotten about, so you don't need to read it if you don't want to. It's a good weekend short story into the depths of mania, if you're into it.

That sentence in the title was something my therapist said to me, and I kinda shrugged it off to her being nice, not wanting to make me feel crazy. But it triggered a whole bunch of questions and a flood of memories from way back to six years ago, that my mind convieniently put in a shelf for me to only look into it now, as a way of realizing stuff and have an epiphany that can very well change the way I feel about myself, my illness and my place in the world. So, important stuff.

Lets go. I got out of a very abusive relationship in 2011 and decided to return to activism to give my life some meaning. While "activisming" I met someone, he was clearly into me but I was having a thing with someone else and didn't want anything serious, and he was still close with his ex. But, he stayed in my house a lot, sleeping on the couch, having dinner there, just hanging out for the first few months. I started noticing I had more of a relationship with him than with the guy I was seeing, and had some feelings too.
So, I was very very high on acid and mdma on new years, and I kissed him in front of everyone. Yeah... The thing with the other guy ended of course (he was in love with someone else, and I told him to pursue it, they're still together to this day), and his ex told me she was okay with it, she was into someone else too and took the chance to try her luck as well. He even told me he wasn't that in love with her, they were good friends that had something more. So I thought everything was okay between everyone and didn't have a care in the world about all that.

Thing is, the whole thing triggered me and with the drugs and everything, I started going crazy. Seeing conspiracy theories everywhere, having meltdowns because of money (early years of financial crisis, hardly any jobs around), so we ended things.
We stayed friends though, he would come over to my house or I would come over to his, all good. His ex became my best friend, she had a long relationship then, and his sister and I were also good friends.

In the meanwhile I went hypersexual, started having relationships with a bunch of dudes, polyamorous relationships, open relationships, I experimented a lot.
I went to live near the beach after the hypersexuality calmed down, got a good job on the camping park, and lived there for about four months. When I was there I started having panic attacks, believing aliens were out to get me, that I was special somehow and had come from the cosmos and shit like that. I came back to my senses afterwards and desperately asked my mom for help, but refused to see a psychiatrist after things calmed down again. (They got worse shortly after, and I lost any insight I had over it, so, yeah..)

I moved back to Lisbon, got a job at a sushi place, and that guy and I started hanging out again. We were good at just being friends, but the sexual tension was high and eventually things ran its course. I remembered now him saying that things between us were always complicated and he wasn't sure we should do it, but I insisted, so yeah, that's on me.
Again, I got triggered. Boom! Full blown manic episode with psychosis. I started believing I was God, that he was God, that we had ethereal god-like children together, the works. Of course, he broke up again. I don't really blame him for it.

But here's the thing I remembered... He did have feelings for me, but denied it to everyone around us that we were even together, he wanted to keep it a secret. So, I was not only crazy as I seemed even crazier, with folks telling me he just didn't feel
anything for me, that it was all a delusion, etc. There were more stuff that he did, but I don't want to jump the gun because memories are fuzzy.

So one day, a few weeks after we broke up, while I was hallucinating my eyeballs out on spiritual beings of light, I got a text from his ex that knew we had been together saying he was in love with her. I got crazy, bad crazy, and started threatening everyone that I would kick their asses. In hindsight, it was a crazy reaction to an already borderline abusive situation. I sent him texts for months, going from I love yous to I hate your freaking guts. I didn't send texts to her, though, but I thought she was sending telepathic messages for me to harm myself and even asked her kindly to stop that lol So, I don't feel guilty for unleashing my crazy upon them at all anymore, it's really not my fault that I have a faulty brain, and I was brought in to an already screwed up situation.

But this whole thing absolutely destroyed me. Not because of him alone or even them together, and the stuff they did and said, but because I couldn't trust my own mind anymore. For years I couldn't figure out if he had feelings for me or not, given that he never did admit or deny them, so I just thought I had erotomania, and treated it in therapy, which was good anyway. But now that I'm stable, I can see that he did have feelings. He was just a coward and a manipulator. Also, I felt betrayed by both of them, I lost my closest friends to my mania and to childrens' play. I actually thought I was better than that, and realizing I was not was a knife in the gut. But hey, I was in love, regardless of being crazy.

Thing is, it wasn't erotomania. It was just mania. I don't have a disorder of love, because this never happened with anyone else and I doubt I will think another guy or girl I will be with is God. And for sure, I won't be sucked in a love triangle again. :shock: So, it's actually possible for me to have a healthy relationship in the future.
And this is the holy grail of my recovery from all of the abusive relationships I've been in.

The current problem is that I've had romantic crushes in the meanwhile, but I can't bring myself to actually do anything about it, because I always think I'm going to go bezerk on them, closing the door to the possibility of a healthy relationship that doesn't trigger me. PTSD isn't helping, I dissociate hard and can't bring myself to even talk to the person. It will take a while to be able to handle it.

What made me realize all this was a book he gave me, he wrote in it "Be aware of what can't be seen with a naked eye". I now see it as warning that he was just an ass, too full of himself and his good looks :lol:

I've been going through the motions of being against love in general because people are all screwed up, to denying the validity of romanticism, to being completely overwhelmed with feelings for other people and realizing I really don't want to be alone the rest of my life out of fear.

It's not a fuck them, that was a given already, but a fuck you to the limitations of Bipolar in relationships. I do deserve someone who loves me despite of my illness, not just when I'm sane.

All of this doesn't mean I don't take responsibility for my behavior, but I won't let it dictate my life anymore, that's all. And that's quite an achievement.

Well, thanks for reading if you read it.
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by Duckysmom » Sun Oct 08, 2017 1:27 am

Wow, AG, the insight you have for yourself gives me insight into you as well as myself. The whole relationship sounds like a total mind-fuck outside of your BP and PTSD. I don't think you can nor should take complete responsibility, but it is admirable to take responsibility for your part in it and your actions.

It is possible to have a loving, healthy relationship with your disorder. I never thought so until Bill came into my life fully, after years of my hiding my illness from him and just building a friendship. I told him about my illness before we became romatically involved, told him about my past - the good, the bad and the ugly. I thought hevwould run for the hills. He stayed and he's been a huge support over the year.

I hope you find that when you're ready. You're already steps way ahead of most people who enter relationships without getting to know themselves first. How many people dive into romantic entanglements unprepared, whether they have BP or not? I used to be one of them, considered myself a serial monogamist, with the occasional one night stand thrown in (always hoping it would be more). A number of abusive relationships, and a whole lot of heartbreak and disgust in myself. But I see people jump into relationships with no cue as to who they are, what their limitations are, what their "triggers" are (not in relation to BP or PTSD) and crash and burn.

I'm sorry for the pain you endured loving someone who abused and manipulated you. Shame on him. That's not on you.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Oct 08, 2017 1:43 am

Thanks Ducky, I appreciate it very much :)

I've been really boiling with all of this for years, going from "I'm glad they found each other in the end" to "I hope they burn in the pits of hell". I reached a nice middle ground now of "I don't really care what happens to them, wish them well".

I don't take full responsibility, never did in this situation, but I did act poorly, first by starting a relationship with a person who was emotionally invested with a friend, and second because I did know right from wrong, I just wanted revenge. It was good that I thought I was God, thinking I could inflict harm only in the afterlife, because I did care about them and wanted them to be happy, but if it was another delusion, maybe things could've turned out ugly. *TW* I was on the verge of suicide and did harm myself because of it all. *End TW*
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by Duckysmom » Sun Oct 08, 2017 2:00 am

I'm glad you do and did not take full responsibility for the situation. I understand the boiling over it for years. I have boiled over for years over two particular relationships in my life, still obssess over them sometimes and am working through the issues in therapy. Ironically, they were not abusive relationships, but people who abandoned me. Clear out of the blue, walked away from me without notice. My undiagnosed BP and PTSD, I'm sure played a roll. And I have developed a fear of abandonment (real or imagined) but that's partially due to my childhood.

I guess, the abusive relationships just seemed normal as that is all I knew my entire life, but it was relief to get out of them. But I still am dealing with the abuse I endured and it causes flashbacks. Still, I've never been able to take the resposibility for those. I know I should, even just to say, "I put myself there." Working on it.

Admire you for being better at that.

Not sure I'm helping. Hoping I'm just being supportive as I wishto be.

Hugs.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Oct 08, 2017 2:09 am

Oh you are, you're wonderful as always :)

I get that about the fear of abandonment. I was on the other end of the stick though, being with someone was a chore. He was the one who gave me that insight actually, but I didn't realize he was right until years later. Probably due to past relationships being shittier, and maybe because I was manic, with him it wasn't like that, though, and how things played out was a big blow to my already fragmented self.

I never did well with relationships that revolve too much around themselves, had one like that and did everything I could to screw it up, eventually screwing it up lol
This one tried to rekindle the relationship recently, and I told him no.

Nowadays, I see myself wanting more than what I wanted in the past. Commiting to someone, sharing responsibilities. I do think I deserve it, which I didn't in the past. Due to the PTSD I always thought I didn't deserve love, hence all the young adulthood abuse.
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by Duckysmom » Sun Oct 08, 2017 2:29 am

You more than deserve it, girl! But I get that. I wake up every day wondering if I deserve it or not. Bill tells me I deserve more. I don't think my fragile self- esteem could stand more. I'd think he's the one who's nuts. :lol:
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by AvantGarde » Sun Oct 08, 2017 2:34 am

Bill sounds wonderful :) I'm happy you found him.

Yes, we do deserve love, not underappreciation.

About the taking responsibility part, I was blamed so often that I think my mind automatically did the splitting from what was actually my fault to what wasn't. Shame and guilt are different things and we don't need them at all. It's getting out of self stigma's work I guess. Some days are better than others though :D
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by Duckysmom » Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:13 am

I was blamed a lot too. Somehow, it was always my fault. There was a time I actually believed that. I look back now and see that it was not true.

True, shame and guilt are two different things, but I often feel them in tandem. My word, have you given me some material for my tdoc on Monday. We've discussed both separately but not how they seem to come together in my mind, especially when I have flashbacks. I have no use for them, yet they don't seem to go away. Someday . . .

How is your new tdoc going? Are you still in the getting to know you stage?
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by AvantGarde » Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:24 am

Aha, glad I've given you material. I also have tdoc tomorrow and will blurt out this entire speech to her. :lol:

It's going well, she said she only trully gets to know a client after about a year lol So, we're in a mix of therapy and just getting to know each other.
We've been dealing with pent up stuff, like the effects of past therapy.
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by Duckysmom » Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:52 am

I'm glad it's going well with new tdoc. I was worried about you in that aspect considering what you just went through with the past one. I don't know what I would do if I had to change tdocs right now and feel like I was starting over. My tdoc has suggested I find someone who specialized EMDR or whatever it's called because she thinks it would be beneficial to me and she does not practice it. But I think we are doing fine and don't want to change.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:59 am

Yeah I was worried too. When she talked about BPD, and then pdoc not liking that I started getting worried. But things resolved themselves. She's pretty great, don't have one complaint so far.

I get that, I'm not keen on EMDR to be honest. I've heard it's very successful but I'm suspicious of it, moving eyes and tapping fingers weirds me out :lol: But what do I know? lol
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by Lovehope » Sun Oct 08, 2017 6:40 am

Wow what a journey and what great insight into yourself. It's clear you've been working really hard. You are right... you do deserve someone who will love you no matter what.. well or not.

Keep working hard... you are doing a great job learning about yourself and learning from your past!! I'm inspired!
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by AvantGarde » Sun Oct 08, 2017 6:57 am

Thanks LH :)
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by Spm24 » Sun Oct 08, 2017 12:04 pm

AG I'm not sure if we had a convo about you deserving to be happy. (Never know what we have talked sbout :) ). Back on topic. You are very intuitive with your feelings. You have grown from that time in your life. You grow each and everyday. Even when you seem to have a back slide your still grow, still learning....
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Oct 08, 2017 1:57 pm

I don't know either, it's possible it is one of the things I struggle with :)

And your right, I'm still growing. I realized I'm on the anniversary of my hospitalization, last year it was the same thing. This year more insomnia but less depression, its way past my sleep time and I'm still going for smokes at the window.

I guess it was easier when I just told myself I was the crazy one. Now it seems they all, not only these I'm talking about above, got stuck in a past I don't belong to anymore. And thinking about it makes me feel that I had a shitty life but it was mine and in my own way I was happy in denial. Now I have tge responsibility for my mental health and with all that's been happening, that seems to have been sliding a bit. I'm getting back on track but slowly. I'll get there :)
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by Spm24 » Sun Oct 08, 2017 2:18 pm

Anniversaries of any sort bring up emotions. All sorts of emotions. Sometimes to much to process. It's always good that things have changed for the better.

I can understand about not being able to sleep...

Having the responsibility about things can be very daunting. It is easier to live in denial. I have lived in denial most of my life. Yes you will get there no matter how much back sliding and jumps forward you have and make...
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Oct 08, 2017 2:30 pm

Thanks for the vote of confidence Shawn :) you always know the right thing to say.

I'm going to try to get some sleep..

Nighty night
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