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I hate life but life needs me

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by Jemane » Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:23 am

I hate life.
I just don't enjoy it. I'm bored. Every week is the same. There's nothing I look forward to except maybe eating and drinking but I can't even do much of that.
I hardly have any friends as I lost them in the cult.
My work is highly skilled and I've worked hard to be there but I get very stressed by it and don't enjoy it.
Life needs me though. I'm not suicidal, really I'm not. I have to be here for my kids, my husband, my friends and my family and hell, even for me.
I just really don't like it. It's just the way I feel. Maybe it's just depression talking but I feel like a need some drastic (positive) change in my life.
Something to enjoy and look forward to.
Rant over. Where else can I rant like this? Just needed to get it out tonight.
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by AvantGarde » Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:29 am

Top notch rant.

I do feel that way when I'm depressed, so you're right, it's a "glitch in the matrix". Sometimes we take little breaks from the life-adoring-filled-with-rainbows-and-unicorns-shit. It's perfectly natural.

Being bored about life when we've been depressed and with SI is perfectly natural, and also being angry about it too.

It's like there's this pressure for us to be content with life all the time, but in reality sometimes life just plain sucks. :evil:

You'll see that starting therapy will be a big game changer. When is the appointment again? Sorry my memory being so shitty.
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by Jemane » Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:33 am

The tdoc is in one week, the pdoc is in 2 days. I thought about cancelling the pdoc as I was doing better as my usual one gets back a week from Monday but then I thought I'm still struggling so best if I just see her anyway I think.
Yes, I think the tdoc is going to be really helpful for me. Keen to give it a good go.
I think I'll be glad when my pdoc is back though.
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by AvantGarde » Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:35 am

A week passes by in a jiffy. Glad you didn't cancel the appointment...
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by Mocha » Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:39 am

I'm with ya, Jemane.....life just absolutely sucks ass sometimes..... :evil:

I've felt that way at times even when I haven't been depressed like you've been so I'm not really sure we can always pin it on depression. Sometimes life just sucks.

Nice rant btw....... :) You can rant/vent here any time you want/need to.

I'm glad you decided to keep that appt with covering pdoc......

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by Pancake » Thu Sep 14, 2017 2:40 am

Just to draw a line to your other post, you also talked about maybe wanting to go back to study.

While I wouldn't go making any snap decisions, its not the first time you've mentioned it. Maybe that is something you could explore with the tdoc too? Not everyone really knows what they want to do straight out of high school, and most fields of study aren't as intense as what you've already done. Remember how many contact hours the arts students had? :shock:

Sorry, just my brain running off. It's ok if you just want to rant too :D
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by Pancake » Thu Sep 14, 2017 2:58 am

*just for the record, I also think you'd make a great politician (;
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by Jemane » Thu Sep 14, 2017 3:38 am

Thanks pan :)

I just enrolled in an oil painting course in October so that's something.
I think I will discuss study with my new tdoc. I think the happiest times in my life have been when I'm studying (except for last year). When I have something to work towards and achieve.
I had to stop studying last year because I got depressed and tried to kill myself (nothing to do with the study).
Maybe I'll be ready for it next year. It would give me purpose which at the moment I don't have.
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by Duckysmom » Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:01 am

Just offering you a hug on my break at work. I hope helps.
"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one."
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by hal » Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:07 am

I've always been oriented toward study and participate in short courses offered to seniors by local colleges and universities, and so of course I recommend it. :)

About the rant, hey, that's what we all best like reading around here. Except for hijacks. :roll:

Hating life: I don't think that feeling arises from depression, exactly. It's connected to boredom, as you mention, and for me at least is associated with what I call low normal, and so might be something related to climbing out of depression, as you are doing. If so, it might be a gradual thing and will go away fairly soon. I hope so! You deserve it. {{HUGS}}
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by Spm24 » Thu Sep 14, 2017 6:59 am

Glad you did not cancel the appointment with the fill in pdoc.. I can imagine your relived that your original pdoc will be back soon. Will be nice for you to see the tdoc next week.. I am sure you will have more then enough things to talk about if you click with the tdoc.. Hug
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by Stuckles » Thu Sep 14, 2017 9:51 am

I can relate to that, on so many levels. Some days I wish I just had a family of my own to focus my attention on, to dedicate my life to but in some ways I think I realize that is also not the answer. I have to find happiness in my self before I can take care of someone else.

My last relationship ended a year and a month ago and I felt so content, yet in hindsight it wasn't a very healthy relationship. I only lived for her and allowed her to manipulate and control me with very little in return.

I also agree with not making any snap decisions but am also for improving your self. Perhaps we don't always follow a singular path. We veer off in all directions constantly seeking fulfillment and maybe that in it's own right is not such a bad thing either. We grow in many different directions and build up a whole repertaur of skills. If we could only love our selves enough to allow our selves to enjoy them without guilt or going to extremes or getting bored of them so quickly.
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