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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:36 am

Well yeah, it's different though, you've got kids to think about too. I have pets, when it's needed they come first too. Like taking my little one to the vet when I was on a spiral already happened. They're my version of having kids :lol: So, it's not always the first priority on the list.

No problem in talking about your issues, I know it's been tough for you. Although I don't like to admit it, I feel like my tdoc going away now is a real blow. I can relate to what you're feeling about your pdoc. For me it's only two weeks of no appointments, I have a pdoc appt in the meanwhile, nothing I can't handle I think.

I got serious abandonment issues, always feel like I'm going to have issues when pdoc or tdoc are not available, but nothing serious ever happened.
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by Jemane » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:43 am

Yes it's been bad timing for your tdoc to go away that's for sure.
Bad timing for my pdoc too. But I guess they've got to go on holiday sometime as much as I wish they didn't!
I've been wondering if I've got abandonment issues too. I often worry my husband will decide to leave me or that I'll do something wrong and my pdoc will sack me as a patient. Both fears are completely unfounded of course.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:48 am

Yeah I get that, I'm always afraid of shocking my tdoc too much, keep apologizing needlessly. Had a minor meltdown over pdoc having her own issues and having trouble focusing, thought about switching pdocs for a few days. Leave before being left kind of situation :lol: Always think I'm a too tough of a case for them to handle too.

About my mother I don't have those fears, we spent years without talking to each other and although I wasn't exactly happy I wasn't miserable about it either. She was waaaaaaaaay worse back then.

Whenever I have a relationship I have those fears too (they've come true a few times in my case, but weren't serious relationships). I deal with rejection very badly, cry for weeks :roll: No longer put myself in a position of being rejected, much rather be the one rejecting and being a good person about it. :lol:
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by Jemane » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:57 am

AvantGarde wrote:Always think I'm a too tough of a case for them to handle


I always think this too :lol:
Then I feel guilty for being that 'difficult' patient

I'm going to have early night tonight. I sleep 10-11 hours per night when my mood is low. I think I feel like I'd rather be asleep than alive. It's an escape and because of my olanzapine I sleep very well most of the time (except when my moods high).
Goodnight!
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:58 am

Good night Jemane, thanks for the chat :) Sleep well!
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by Spm24 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 6:28 am

Sorry your mom is being a bitch. A jemane said there is no reason that you should have someone yelling at you for no reason. It would be stressful to me to be woken up to someone yelling at me. There are times that naps are needed. Just to make up for lack of sleep at night. It is not always easy to balance sleep habits.

You know you would be better off finding a place of your own. But you also know it is not feasible for you to do so at this time. Unfortunately it leaves you in a tough situation... Not easy to know that your kind of stuck in that situation.

It makes you wonder if her quiting her tdoc has anything to do with her actions as of late...
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 6:48 am

I know I should find my own place. But so you understand, getting a job now would mean getting the minimum wage, that's around 550€. An apartment in Lisbon is never under 600€ (that's the lowest you can find on fairly good (safe, good transport) neighbourhoods if you know someone there with inside knowledge). That leaves rooms or sharing with people, aside from "been there done that, much rather put up with this bullshit here" it's still around 350€ plus 50€ for bills, leaving me with 100€ to pay debts, no money for meds, therapy, pdoc, me or pets, or college, left.

I much rather put up with this, let it cool down and talk calmly with her about it (which only works on certain days)...

I'm not freaking out or anything, this is rather usual as you know.

I rather have her just screw up a bit of my present life now and keep quiet in my corner than having my future destroyed for acting on it. Just needed to vent the frustration.

And yes, her quitting therapy right after me starting trauma therapy is very telling as far as I'm concerned. She did admit to negligence and losing her shit, but never apologized for it, made excuses.

Thanks for being here guys, means a lot.
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by Spm24 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:22 am

You know how to deal with it well, and keeping your sanity is all that matters. As long as your safe that is all that is of a concern.

It is never easy to work a job that does not pay a living wage. The only way it works is if you have a partner or if you have a roommate. But roommates are something that you need to be careful with.

I think unfortunately you know how to be quiet and sit in your corner. It is not the healthiest relationship. But right now it is the one your in.

Even though your rl support team is for the birds you will always have us to help you deal with things. Never forget it... We love you...

Hug
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:33 am

I like the idea of moving to another town eventually, there's a college town that I like, my aunt lives there so I wouldn't be completely alone. Maybe eventually...

I went to my mother now and asked calmly, "Look, regarding yesterday. It's very distressing to wake up with a person screaming at you, please don't do that again." Of couse she said she didn't scream at all that it was my perception because I was asleep, when I repeated for her not to do that again in a calmly way, she then said "But first I tried to wake you up gently!" :roll:
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by Spm24 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:41 am

You are very calm cool and collected. I don't think I could do that. I just let things go. Worry about them in my mind. You know how to make her squirm until she finally admits what she has done. Not that she will ever admit that she was wrong in doing so....
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:46 am

Spm24 wrote:You are very calm cool and collected.


:lol: here's something nobody has ever told me before :lol: Thanks for that and thanks therapy too!

If I start a fight it's worse, so I lay my boundaries and she crosses them and I lay them again and she always looks annoyed when I do it...

Well, I have to clean the kitchen.

Thank you Shawn! <3 Hug
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by Spm24 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 8:43 am

It is better to have her annoyed when she crosses that line, then to have a full blown fight.

Your always welcome AG...
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by Pancake » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:30 pm

I want to *help* and of course don't know how :roll:

I think you're doing amazing. I imagine me in your situation and it's all uglycry and foetal positions.

((Hug))
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:05 pm

Aha, thank you but I don't know, freeze response is not good either I think. I can only react later, it's weird. :?

Things are better now, she's nice.

Hugs back
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by Jemane » Sun Aug 20, 2017 11:09 pm

Glad things have improved. Hope you have a great day today.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 11:24 pm

Thank you Jemane :)
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by AvantGarde » Mon Aug 21, 2017 12:19 am

Had to reschedule my pdoc appoitment on the 30th to almost end of September, date still to confirm... Guests arriving that day that would have to wait a long time with luggage, and pdoc is always late so who knows at what time I would be able to get there?... I still have meds to last that long, so in that sense is no big deal.

But it's a lot of weeks with no appointments. Probably will end up having a skype or phone appt with tdoc in the meanwhile.
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by Jemane » Mon Aug 21, 2017 12:55 am

I know how you feel. Had my last pdoc appointment for the next 5 weeks. He's organised someone I can call instead if I need to but I don't have any appointments booked.
I guess this is where having a tdoc and pdoc in one lets me down as I don't have anyone who knows me well that I can call.
In good news I convinced him to drop my abilify dose down so hopeful the weight gain will stall.
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by AvantGarde » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:01 am

Good luck in lowering the Abilify. Are you still having SI?

Regarding tdoc and pdoc... I want to be strong and not need them during this time lol We'll see what it amounts too.
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by Jemane » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:06 am

I've been free from SI for 3 days or so now. I still have a lot of anhedonia and lack of motivation and I'm going to bed at about 8pm every night because I'd rather be asleep than alive but I'm not having any thoughts of ending it.
It coincides with me starting the pill but not sure if that's helping or if it's just placebo that I feel like I'm doing something.
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by AvantGarde » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:09 am

I'm glad the SI is gone.

I've also been going to bed early, at 9pm, even if I nap during the day. Always sleepy.
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by Jemane » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:11 am

Isn't dinner time 9pm over there or is that just in Spain? :D
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by AvantGarde » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:15 am

Depends on the household really, no specific time. Usually between 7 and 9.
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by Jemane » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:24 am

I think it helped me feel better that my in laws took the kids for the weekend and my husband organised a hotel stay with a lovely dinner. He's so wonderful. I'm very lucky to have him.
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by AvantGarde » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:27 am

Aw, that's great :D Hope you had a great time! I'm sure you did :twisted:
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