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Very much needed vent

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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 18, 2017 4:48 am

I was working today and had an epiphany. Don't know when it will be the next time I'll be able to talk about this stuff again, but here goes.

I've been having a hard time, not only with MI and all its components, but in real life as well. Well, one influences the other and vice versa.

I've seen my friend circle reduced again, and the ones left have so many problems that they can't even focus on the big picture because they want instant gratification for anything, or can't remember they can be triggering as hell leaving me in a very awkward and painful position. I'm always afraid of being selfish, like it's some sort of sin or something, wrong choice of words but you know what I mean... Then I worry so much about them, but don't see reprocicity, nobody really gives a fuck. Most but one, come to me for help for their life problems like I'm some sort of fucking Zen Guru because I've been through so much.

I know what my life has been like, I have memories every day about the tough times and fears of it all happening again. I've seen my life reduced years ago to basically nothing but a bag of clothes and a fucked up family life. I've been to hell and back physically, emotionally and mentally, started anew a bunch of times and now that I could really use that superhuman strenght, it seems so freakin scary it's painful.

Maybe because back then I was so out of it, I actually felt superhuman. Now that I feel too human, with all the weakness that comes with it, I don't feel the ability just to get out and chase what I want, and I certainly don't need the reminder every day of the stupid stuff I did in my life.

"You've been through this, what can I do?" It's one of the things I hear more. I DON'T KNOW, I DID STUPID SHIT BACK THEN!

One friend is having a DV problem and I dealt with it with the best of my abilities, but it triggered the hell out of me. Now I'm feeling I should've just told her to leave the asshole, but I was so afraid of being alone that I didn't. But hey, not like she really cares either, she never has any idea what the hell is going on in my life because she never really asks...

Moral high ground for me for helping her out regardless, right? :roll: Hate that shit. What should I do, then, not help her out?

Maybe *TW* moment, without details.

Then a few therapy sessions ago, my tdoc asked about the people in my life when I was a child and if they did anything to stop the insanity of what was going on. And I realized most of those people were enablers, some even provoking it further, others blaming me, or putting me in awkward positions for having some sort of moral advantage over one of my parents, instead of helping me, the child in danger. Others were so oblivious, deluded by their charms that it left unnoticed. I don't even have anger towards these people, to be honest, I'm just perplexed that no one did anything and they can still call me "their little girl". And now I have to sit with them through dinner parties and laugh at their jokes, because all is well in candyland. I'm sane, clean and sober and most of all, quiet.

And you can ask why I stay quiet, sure. Because I'm not in a position where I can just explode and tell every single one of them to fuck off. Disappear somewhere near the beach and have my own secluded little life away from all this crap. I really want to finish my studies, and the only way I can do that in this country is by sucking it up and keeping quiet about it. I have no idea if any of them feel any guilt, to be honest.

TW over.

Today I saw a girl that looked a lot like me a few years back, really skinny, hippy, eating a sandwich with a MDMA or cocaine look in her eyes. She looked so grey, fragile and fucked up, I just wanted to hug her and tell her to quit that life, that things are really better on the other side.

This forum is the only place where I don't lose faith for humanity, makes me gain some even.
The world should really be governed by crazy and good people. Most people are trully psycho and crazy and don't do anything about it, there isn't a pill for ignorance, hatred or lack of empathy (yet).
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by hal » Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:23 am

AvantGarde wrote:This forum is the only place where I don't lose faith for humanity, makes me gain some even.
AG, even as you deeply, openly and courageously reveal your own humanity, you also realistically but compassionately show insight into minds and character of others. Thank you.
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:29 am

Hug, hal :)
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by Pancake » Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:36 am

I don't want to do the L-word, but we L-word you.

Hug <3
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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:37 am

You lesbian me? :o :o :o I'm asexual Pan, I'm sorry.

(<3 thank you, I L-word you too)
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by Spm24 » Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:50 am

AG another good rant.. I believe you hit on something. That crazy people, the good crazy, should be in charge of things... I nominate you as supreme ruler...

A HUG for you...
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:54 am

Am I a metric or imperial ruler? Should I start by a centimeter or an inch?

What shall I take over first as ruler? Ah, damn humans and them imperialistic tendencies :roll:

Thank you, I'm glad it's a good rant. I've been secretly working on them.
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by Spm24 » Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:58 am

Imperial ruler and start inch by inch...secretly you do things in secret :shock:
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 18, 2017 6:02 am

That's good because my kitten chewed on my metric ruler. I'll have to learn how to use an imperial one though.. it's going to be tough.

I actually do things in secret, I go off to places of my own and nobody knows and I do things nobody is aware. Don't we all though? :shock: lol
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by Spm24 » Fri Aug 18, 2017 6:05 am

Imperial is easy metric is hard..

Ok we all have secrets...I think .. maybe
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by Pancake » Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:13 am

You start with an inch, then take a mile (;
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by Jemane » Fri Aug 18, 2017 1:55 pm

Hugs AG.
Great rant.
Having to be happy around people who betrayed you is tough. It feels like a slap in the face every time.
If only us crazy people could rule the world, it would be a better place.
I'll L-word you too... love you heaps.
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by Duckysmom » Fri Aug 18, 2017 3:41 pm

L-you much, AG! So sorry you're going through it. Great rant, though. There are parts I felt you were writing my thoughts out.

Hugs!
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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 18, 2017 10:12 pm

Thanks guys <3
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 12:36 am

Vent part two.

Can't feel anger. Just feel like shit.
Tried talking to friends about it, but it seems nobody gives a shit. "That's normal" they say. I think their perception of normal is fucked up, so I shut down and don't say anything else.

Tried to take a nap yesterday in the afternoon because sleep has been tough. Mother nagging me all the way through, waking me up multiple times screaming at me for being asleep, I have no fucking idea why. Managed to sleep for half an hour before waking up with her screaming in my face that I'm irresponsible for sleeping at med time, I don't answer, get up and take my meds 15 min late. Lie down again, and she continues screaming that I don't give a shit about eating dinner, I talk and say that I do want to eat, but there's still time to rest a bit before it's dinner time. She goes on whispering stuff that I couldn't understand... Couldn't rest anymore, watch some tv and try to ignore.

Then after dinner, things seemed to calm down. I was saying something about a website I found, she looked at me angry and changed the subject while I was in the middle of the sentence. I then got really pissed at the whole thing and came to the computer, she comes into my room screaming that I should suck it up and that she doesn't have to listen to everything I say...

Honestly, I have no fucking clue what brough this rage on me on. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary and been helping a lot around the house and all... People say it's normal, it will blow over. I don't really think this should be considered normal. I don't talk like this to anyone, it's disrespectful as fuck to not let someone get some much needed rest and keep screaming in their face, guilting them for it.

So, I'm kinda done relying on real life support other than tdoc and pdoc. It was the last straw.

Feeling like shit today and haven't said a word out loud (well, to my cats, and a faint 'good morning' when she woke up).

I'm very transparent with my emotions, so if history is of any lesson, she will use them against me.

Oh, good ol' time, how I've missed you. :roll:

I really wish life would give me a break from shit happening, sucky people and weird life events. It's hard to keep a good humor up and running all the time, with stuff always being thrown at me.

I have no real life support other than the cheer "You can handle it". Well, what if I can't? I have to deal with my own shit, as well as other people's shit, while taking care of myself first and laying priorities and boundaries. No wonder I can't get a good night's sleep.

Last night it occured to me that the only reason I got any support after leaving the hospital was because the whole spotlight of the entire judgmental family was on my so called then "caretakers", and they had to really take care of me. Of course I was blamed for everything, still have guilt and not sure how much of it was actually my fault.

This is seriously fucked up.
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by Jemane » Sun Aug 20, 2017 12:53 am

Your mum should totally not be lecturing you about when you sleep, you're an adult.
You might have said but does your mum live with you?
Real life people can be so annoying sometimes and they sometimes say the most inappropriate things.
Why do you think this brought out such a rage in you?
Your tdoc is away, right?
Well, feel free to vent away right here. We care. Hugs.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 12:58 am

When I say other people's stuff I don't mean here... in here it's different, I help and get help, it's a support community.

I mean in real life, where I get barely any real support.

Jemane, housing is very expensive in Lisbon right now and I really want to finish my studies so I'm living at my mother's house. I was thinking of searching for job/house somewhere less expensive in the country really, but I would have to give up the support I do have and start all over again completely, I don't think I can handle the stress of it right now, althouth tdoc said we would still have appts through skype/phone.
I love Lisbon too, don't like the idea of moving to somewhere else either to be honest. But if it comes to that, I will probably do it.

Yes, you're right, I'm an adult. No child or adult should have to put up with this shit.

Yes, tdoc is away. Knowing her, that's probably the reason.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:01 am

And this didn't brough up rage in me, it was directed towards me, I'm peaceful as a bird. Just sad.
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by Jemane » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:06 am

Oh, sorry I misread what you said, apologies. I do all this on my phone and it's hard to reread what people have written when I'm writing something.
Totally understand why you would be living with your mum. It's very hard to afford housing at any time let alone when you are studying.
I moved back with my parents for 6 months when we renovated our house a few years ago and it was so horrible. I felt like they just kept treating me like I was a kid again instead of an adult.
But we had to do it cause we couldn't afford to rent anywhere.
When does your tdoc get back?
I can understand you wanting to stay in Lisbon. I'm a big city girl too and I think I'd find it hard to adjust to village life in a small town.
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by Jemane » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:10 am

... and no one should ever be treated the way your mum treated you. That's horrible. Hugs.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:14 am

Yeah, our relationship is more complicated than that. I contracted a lot of debt when I was manic, around 5k€ that I can't afford to pay, she said she would pay for it, in order for me to be able to afford housing/work somewhere without getting my paycheck suspended by social security, but she never did and always finds an excuse, she paid for part of it but one day threw a fit and said she wouldn't do it. This was 3 years ago. I think it's her way of controling me staying where she wants me.

In the meanwhile, I couldn't (can't, more so) work a normal job because of stress (If I already deal with all this crap and lose it, imagine the stress of working hours and no pay on top). So, I started working for her to get some pocket money. The money she pays me for the airbnb apartment is only enough for food and cigs, while I do work for her and do take care of everything, it's like another way of keeping me close.

I barely talk about her here, but I don't give a crap anymore if she can read this or not. Fuck it.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:15 am

Thanks for being here, hugs back :)
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by Jemane » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:18 am

That sounds so controlling and so complicated. Does she know you use this site? That's one of the reasons I've never told anyone I'm on here as I want what I write to be private.
It's so complicated for you that you are working for her, but I can understand why.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:22 am

Not here specifically, no. I keep saying different site names to throw her off :lol: I'm a bit paranoid :lol: She knows I'm at a forum

Yeah... It's difficult. Tdoc is very worried. Thinks I should seek housing and work and bear with it, but I told him my mental health comes first. I can't find a good job outside of restaurants and working in restaurants is too stressful.

I'm going to suck it up, pay my debt in some way and finish college once and for all.
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by Jemane » Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:29 am

It's great your mental health comes first. I should take a leaf out of your book. I tend to put my mental health right down the list and try to please everyone else first. It's probably why I keep ending up depressed. Seeing my pdoc tomorrow for the last time in 5 weeks as he is going away. I'm doing a lot better now than I was last week but still have a way to go.
I've decided to ask him if I can stop abilify as I've plain put on too much weight and I'm just not happy to take it any more.
Anyway, enough about me, this is your rant thread not mine!
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