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Depression

Are you on that last little nerve? Need to get something off your chest?

Here's the place to do it. Vent away!

by Lovehope » Thu Aug 10, 2017 6:18 pm

Have you ever moved your body in every way possible to try to escape the pain? Your husband's arms, the bathroom floor, under the covers, fetal position in the closet... anywhere I can go I go to see if it will help. But it never does because no matter where I go I'm carrying myself with me. Did you ever watch your step child sleep and know you have to stay alive for them? I can't cause trauma to an innocent child. I won't spread this pain to him. Did you ever cry a cry so pitiful that it disgusts you to hear yourself? Whine whine whine, other people have it worse. Thats all i can hear in my head.

I can't escape the darkness that envelopes me and I can't escape the demons in my head.

I don't believe in God but I prayed today; I prayed hard and long for something not to let me feel this way again. I had six solid months... six months without this agony and now it's back, stealing me away from everything I love.

This illness is ruining me. Slowly but surely, I swear it's ruining me.
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by Jemane » Thu Aug 10, 2017 6:57 pm

Big hugs lovehope. It's horrible to feel that way isn't it. I've been feeling that way too. I just keep reminding myself that it's not going to last forever.
It always feels like it will never end when in the midst of it doesn't it?
Are you seeing your pdoc soon or you're tdoc? Might be time to give them a call if you haven't already.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
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by Lovehope » Thu Aug 10, 2017 7:20 pm

Hi Jemane,

Thank you for replying. Needed someone to hear me who understands. I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. It's painful and I don't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm feeling like it will last forever so your reminder that it won't is very helpful.

I called my pdoc and they have me in for an emergency appointment on Monday. I called my tdoc too to see if he has any openings for earlier than our next scheduled appointment. He is on vacation until Monday so I will hear from him then. The k you!
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by Jemane » Thu Aug 10, 2017 7:45 pm

That's great you've got an appointment on Monday.
Feeling like this is just plain lousy isn't it. I'm finding it hard just to function and get up and get to work every day.
I just keep reminding myself that I have to press on for my kids and husband. They need me to be around. Life doesn't feel worth it for me but it is worth it for them.
Sounds like you feel the same about your step child.
More big hugs in your direction. Keep us updated how you are going over the weekend.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
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by AvantGarde » Thu Aug 10, 2017 9:43 pm

Lovehope wrote:no matter where I go I'm carrying myself with me


I know the feeling..

But there's nothing loathesome about you, you're an incredible, compassionate and wonderful woman who is going through a tough time. Not your fault and it's not whining (I understand though, when I'm down I feel like I'm whining also, but it's not).
It's temporary and you'll feel better soon, hang in there.
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by Mocha » Fri Aug 11, 2017 2:44 am

You can whine here all you want if you need to......

I hate it when I whine myself but what the hell, you gotta do it sometimes, yanno? I whine to my tdoc quite frequently when I'm in that mood......:roll:....

Not A Professional of Any Kind ~ Just Your Garden Variety Nutjob

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

~Martin Luther King~
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by Lovehope » Fri Aug 11, 2017 5:58 am

You guys are the best. Thank you so much for relating and understanding and allowing me to whine lol. I feel a little better this morning, I seem to get in my head at night when everyone is sleeping. It's too quiet and I can hear my own thoughts too much. I'm just gonna hang in there until Monday and hopefully my doctor can help me out
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by Spm24 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 6:52 am

I think quiet are the worst when someone is going through what you are going through right now. As others have said hold on to the good thought of being here for the ones you love...
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by Duckysmom » Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:18 am

The quiet gets to me too when I'm in that place that you are. Glad you feel a little better this morning. But whine all you want. We're here for you.
"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one."
Bruce Lee
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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:31 am

Glad you feel better :)
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by Lovehope » Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:31 am

Thanks guys. Yeah the quiet is the worst and I am holding onto the love I have for my stepson and husband as reason to beat this once again
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by admlido » Fri Aug 11, 2017 11:21 pm

I do suffer from bipolar depression and I sleep a lot which really sucks but when I go to Alcoholics Anonymous it helps me a little bit since I do have a drug and alcohol problem the last 25 years but I need to stay busy or I will get the trust
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