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my life is falling apart

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by FALB » Wed Aug 09, 2017 6:35 pm

This would all be swears if not for the last thread of control i have... anyway:

Every single day for the last week? maybe more or less, has been a roller coaster. Rapid cycling maybe? Idk but I struggle to get out of bed, I walk around like a zombie and sometimes go to work, sometimes call out, but I feel hollow. Empty. Like a literal part of my chest is just gone. Then I get manic, hypomanic? but I get really jittery. I want to go run, workout, punch things, smash things... my car? Not my car though its too nice. So then I'm home, alone, and I can focus on TV and Movies that can take over my thoughts, and emotions, and maybe music too. But inevitably, as soon as theres too much silence... errands, bathroom break, whatever.. CRASH. Major crash.

I don't want to go into my failing relationship, there's too much, and it's completely broken my heart, my trust, my hope. I had no love for almost a decade, even with long term relationships where I thought I loved but didn't feel it. Then this girl, I fall in love again, real love, and she's almost perfect... for an amazing 2 months. THe last 6 have been a war but I still had hope. I feel like she resurrected my heart, supercharged it to 1000%, then shredded it, burned it, and dropped the ashes in the ocean.

These crashes have my heart fluttering, I cry at length, I want to scream and run away, my thoughts are all coalescing and exploding at the same time. I run through my list of people I know, who can I talk to? I just need to talk to someone, to vent, or just feel cared for, but I don't have anyone accessible. My coworkers would ruin my career, I don't trust them. My family wouldn't understand, they'd maybe help in the short term but i know, i KNOW, in the long term it would cause irreparable damage so I can't do that. My gf is out, obviously with what I've said. My friends are either coworkers or know nothing of this sort and would probably hurt me worse or call the police (I do not need that)... granted I've thought of going to the police, a hospital, but both would ruin my career and i'm sure I'm not at that level yet. The only one left is my best friend, my perfect best friend, and she helps so much, and I'm going to see her tomorrow. I talk to her every day. But she has a life, a job, a dog, a boyfriend... I feel like a burden. I know I'm not, she says I could never be, but I feel it. And that's at least on the same level as the worst feelings I have right now. I've burdened my gf with my disorder, I would burden my parents, I'm a burden to my job. I'm just causing everyone else strife for nothing.

I constantly look up places to go, to runaway to. Fly somewhere. Long road trip. Go camping. Just be alone, for real, get away from everyone and everything. At least physically then I'd match my thoughts and feelings. I really want to go away for at least a week. But what if that's not enough? What if I just end up wanting to be away forever? A completely different life. But I'm held back. I have a lease, dr appointments, the aforementioned career, with benefits. I can't just give all that up can I? should I?

I just can't believe I can't find help, instant help, when I need it. Why do I have to wait 3 weeks to see a therapist when I'm having trouble now? I've finally accepted I want to look into meds again, if only to run away a different way. But I can't, not at least for another week, and then they may not give me any, and then I may not have any reaction for a while. So I think of drinking, cigars help a lot, I smoke every night now... what about other drugs? I've never touched any real drugs, I'd lose my job if caught, but I really feel like that might be the only answer to instant relief.... what if I take higher doses of OTC stuff? or my old pain meds from past surgeries? What if I become and addict? I wouldn't mind that I guess... it'd give me a reason to lose everything. I could blame the drugs, the reason I turned to drugs, and a shortened lifespan is maybe preferable.... I don't ever want to harm myself, I think about it, but I never do it.

I looked up group meetings last night, none when I needed. I looked up hotlines, just reading about the suicide prevention line made me break down. How can I be thinking of calling that? I looked at the bipolar, anxiety, hotline... I had the number in my dial window... but what the hell can they do? Even if they just listen and that helps, a bit, they do what? Tell me things I can google? Call someone on me?

So I isolate myself. TV. Music. Movies. but those have stories with triggers, triggering images, triggering lyrics. But I have to try to sleep, with silence, with the thoughts again. And then I have to work, or take more leave, and deal with it all again tomorrow. THis is so unfair. THis is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'm broken, I'm a failure, I'm trash. I'm leaving. Thanks.
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by hal » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:45 pm

It's a very sad story, and I feel deeply for you, FALB. The energy you are putting into the struggle is obvious, and I respect it. Don't have advice, but I'm on your side. Hang in there, friend.
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by Jemane » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:53 pm

So sorry to hear this FALB. Sounds like you're feeling pretty isolated at the moment. I can't change your situation but I'm here to listen and support you as best I can.
You're not trash by the way. You're a worthy human being with an illness.
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by AvantGarde » Wed Aug 09, 2017 10:23 pm

I'm sorry you're going through so much FALB, and like others said you're worthy of being okay.

I think it's time to consider getting stabilized, working on it at least. Things would get easier, the racing thoughts and the relationships would be smoother, you know what I mean.

Hate to see you suffer needlessly.
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by Pancake » Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:32 pm

Frankly FALB, it really doesn't sound like you're doing well.

Unfortunately, most tdocs and pdoc's aren't an emergency resource, especially if you're waiting for a first appointment. "Instant help" is literally what the ER and crisis lines are for, don't be afraid to use them.

Running away and self-medicating are not the answer, you can't run away from your own mind, and taking meds is absolutely not running away, or giving in. Would you say the same thing about a physical Illness that needed medication? Diabetes, or epilepsy?

Even if they just listen and that helps, a bit, they do what? Tell me things I can google? Call someone on me?

I don't know what they will do, but what have you got to lose? I don't think hospital is really a bad idea, you wouldn't necessarily be admitted and even if you are, work doesn't have to know. People take time off work sick for all sorts of reasons.
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by Spm24 » Thu Aug 10, 2017 6:39 am

I have to agree with Pancake. That the hospital might not be a bad idea. And as she said your job does not need to know why you were there. All they need to know is you were sick..

Calling a hotline is not a bad idea. They are there to listen. To give you support. As far as I know the only time they would call someone on you is if your were talking about suicide. That is just my opinion..
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by Duckysmom » Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:45 am

FALB, I'm sorry that it all is so overwhelming right now. Seeing pdoc, going on meds, getting a tdoc if you don't have one - all good ideas. But in crisis, unfornately, the ER or hotline are your best options.

Keeping you my thoughts. I hope things improve soon.
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