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Why? (TW/DV)

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by Duckysmom » Fri Jul 14, 2017 1:23 pm

Want to rant, so I put it here. Left work early so I didn't rip off anyone's head for no apparent reason. Panic attack on the way home due to so many detours around flooded roads I wasn't sure where I was half the time. And I hate feeling lost!

Why? That is the word that keeps running through my head. Why?

This could be self-pity, but I don't know. I was a child! I feel sorry for that little girl, but it doesn't feel like it was me. But then I was an adult and didn't know how to stop the hell. Made so many bad decisions! Because there was still that child inside of me who wasn't me.

I'm not making sense. I don't care. Just feeling this underlying rage that could burst like a water balloon full of slime any minute.

Why?

Fucking tell me why you would hurt a child so sweet, so innocent, so loving! My mom tells me I was a happy baby. She doesn't know why I changed. She knows why. She's big into denial. And now she's early dementia so I can't yell at her like I want to. Why didn't you protect me? Why were you nice to the people who hurt me?

Just, why?

WHY????
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by Pancake » Fri Jul 14, 2017 1:45 pm

Rant away.

You're working through some heavy stuff with your tdoc at the moment, right? Kind thoughts, and go easy on yourself for the 'bad decisions'. You didn't know then what you know now.
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by Spm24 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 2:44 pm

I agree with Pancake.. go easy on yourself
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by hal » Fri Jul 14, 2017 4:23 pm

Ducky, you know you have friendly ears here which will not get sore no matter how loudly :shock: you rant. So rave on! We back you.
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
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by Duckysmom » Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:01 pm

Pan, Shawn and hal, thank you for the support. I am just filled with so much hate and rage right now. I have always turned that inward on myself and just cry and hate myself, which is something my tdoc and I have been working on. I journalled for a while, spewing all this rage on paper instead of on innocent people I love. So different than my manic rages, but similar at the same time. I want to scream, shriek, smash things. But I guess I'm too stable to lose that kind of control now. Why does even that piss me off right now? Because I have control and as an adult, I need to use it.

Feel like taking a drive and dancing on the gravestone of one of my abusers. So glad the SOB is dead! I remember my mother waking me up via phone to tell me my uncle had passed. I told her to call me at 4 am when it was truly important and hung up. (Yep, Mom's denial again) Refused to go to his funeral. Went to his grave 10 years ago to tell him what an SOB he was and stomped on his headstone. It was very cathartic in a strange way. But the rage is still with me. He wasn't the only abuser. Just the only one that's dead and gone and can't hurt anymore children. I was not his only victim.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Jul 14, 2017 9:34 pm

I'm so sorry Ducky.

Vent all you want.
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by Duckysmom » Sat Jul 15, 2017 5:17 am

Slept fitfully, waking up shaking from bad dreams - memories floating through my unconscious brain. And the rage I just can't seem to . . . I don't know . . . Hatd to get back to sleep when one is so furious. But I did, only to wake up again in the same state.

Dreamt of my sister. The mother who loved me, who tried to protect me. The one taken away from me whose voice I still remember 40 years later. But I dreamed of her death instead of the good times with her. I need to hear ABBA, "Dancing Queen" I think it was called. She and I singing it at the top of our lungs while she drove to the store, me in the passenger seat, the 8
-track stereo blaring. Her car was puke green, but she loved it. Don't remember the make or model. Not imortant, I guess. I miss her still.

Told Bill I wanted to go visit my sister. He said, "the nurse? Isn't she working today?" In a very flat tone, I replied, "No, the one six feet under." He was shocked the way I said it. No emotion. But the rage is there. And again I ask, Why? Why was the SOB who took her away from me given such a light sentence? 15 years for beating and strangling that beautiful soul until there was no life left in her. Why did he take her away from me? Why did his family think it was ok to bury his fucking ass in the same cemetary as her? Don't know what killed him. Don't care.

I was 13. She was my mother in so many ways. The one I went to when I needed love and compassion. She was always there. We fought like siblings do sometimes. And the last time I saw her I told her I hated her because I wanted to go with her and she said no. And that haunts me go this day. I can never take it back.

But I dreamt of her death, the whole scene as if I was there. And I ask again, Why? Why didn't she take me with her? Maybe he wouldn't have hurt her. Why did she go see him after she had ended it with him? Four years they were together. Why? He was angry that she dare leave him, but she went anyway. Why? Why did her last moments have to be so . . .

I should delete this, but I can't make myself do it. Shaking with rage. What was done to me, what was done to her. He sent us a Christmas card from prison after his sentencing. Fucker! Maybe I'll dance on his grave when I go see my sister.

My Akita puppy was born on her birthday and I named her after her. No one in the family talks about the good times about her. It's always about her death and how she died and the trial and him. I thought I would honor her in a positive way. The pup will be one tomorrow. My sister would be 60. I'm holding onto that. My pup, so happy and full of life, stubborn, but protective, loving and affectionate. All those things my sister was.

But the rage! The fury! Fuck! I can't drive like this! I need my sister!

Why?
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by Pancake » Sat Jul 15, 2017 6:24 am

Hey Ducky.
Are you in touch with your tdoc, or even pdoc? I think you should let them know how much this is affecting you. I wonder if maybe your tdoc is moving a little fast, or has put some supports down before putting you through this...?

I'm sorry about your sister, that's a horrible way to lose someone you love.
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by AvantGarde » Sat Jul 15, 2017 6:51 am

Ducky, there are some horrible people out there, with no values or humanity left in them. It wasn't your fault, or your sister's. We live in a twisted society, outside of our bubbles. Your sister didn't deserve it, and he indeed deserved more time in prison.

There's the fact that the pain burdens you, the anger is just an output. Unfortunately there is no direct answer as in why, as you know that guy was a monster. And unfortunately sometimes that's enough of a reason for horrible things to happen, some people are in fact monsters.

I'm so sorry this happened to your sister and your family, it is really horrible.

You were just a kid though, there was nothing you could've done to protect her.

I agree with Pan that you should call your tdoc and pdoc. It seems like you're spiraling, and that's not good for you. Although it is to expect some issues along the way, we can't let them spiral out of control and affect us too much. Otherwise we're not healing, we're just putting our fingers in the wound, making it impossible for it to heal.

Can you take the day off tomorrow and be with your tdoc?
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by Duckysmom » Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:29 am

I found "Dancing Qieen' on YouTube and listened to it. I laughed at the memory, then I cried myself to sleep. A restful nap.
I don't think my tdoc is going too fast. She is adamant that we take it slow. I think it's my brain going too fast, the memories coming full force. I will call her if I need to. This is not a manic episode. It's different somehow. So I think my tdoc would be who I call. I see my pdoc in 2 days.

No desire to hurt myself. Emotionally, I've done that enough over the years. It's like a dam breaking and everything spilling over all at once. I blamed myself, guilted myself, hated myself enough over the years, it's time to put the blame, guilt and hate where it belongs and then let it go. Just wish my brain would let me do that at my own pace.

I'm going out today. Taking my meds and going to a museum with Bill and Auntie so I'm not obssessing or ruminating on this all day.
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by AvantGarde » Sat Jul 15, 2017 8:23 am

I said spiraling as in CPTSD symptoms, not BP - although it can cause a swing in moods.

Take care of yourself. Going out is a good idea.

We love you. Everything will be okay.
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by Duckysmom » Sat Jul 15, 2017 5:29 pm

Went to the museum, bought a coffee mug for my collection (an accidental collection - bought one at a zoo, got one where I worked with company logo , bought another one somewhere else - I think I have about 40 now - but I digress). We went to lunch. Came home. I laid down to meditate to my guided PTSD cd and fell asleep. Woke up just in time for bedtime. :lol: But I feel better.

Thank you for caring and listening to ranting. I'm sure there will be more, but I'm much calmer now.
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by Mocha » Sat Jul 15, 2017 6:23 pm

glad you're feeling better, ducky..... :)
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by AvantGarde » Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:22 pm

Good, ranting is good. Getting it off your chest is good too. I'm sure you want to scream what happened to you most of the time, I feel it too. It's a bit liberating when others know, feels like we're not that crazy for hanging on to our problems to ourselves for so long. I haven't been able yet, to let the world know, only a select number of people know, so I might try to do that..

I have this thing, like telling it without putting much emotion into it, making it seem like it's no big deal. Do you have it too? It's terrible, makes it seem like we don't feel much about it.
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by Duckysmom » Sun Jul 16, 2017 3:34 am

Thank you, Mocha. Me, too.

AG, I do the same thing. I tell it like it's no big deal. I get the occasional, "you have one sister and three brothers, right." I either say "yeah" or I say, "Well, I had another sister, but she passed away 40 years ago." No emotion, just a fact. I usually get condolences and not too much prying. Even with my pdoc, when he asked why I have PTSD, I was casual about it. That was in the beginning as he was a new pdoc and I was not sure of him yet. He wasn't the one that had diagnosed me. My previous doc had retired and all the records hadn't transferred yet. But even then, it was just on paper in clinical terms.

I think I have shocked my pdoc with amount of abuse I took for so long in some ways. And it wasn't until the last couple of months that the emotion started, crying in her office, the anger still not allowed out. That is very recent.
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by Spm24 » Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:13 am

Unfortunately many bad things have happened to you. But you are learning how to deal with them. Which in turn will make you a stronger person in time I am sure...
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:22 am

I get it, it had to come out of you eventually, all these years bottleing it up, it must not have been easy at all. I think you're very strong, having to deal with all this shit for so long. And I'm glad you found Bill, finally some stability emotionally wise, someone to balance off the occasional bad crazy, the good crazy is always good I'm sure he has plenty of it too ;)

And glad you're finally seeking treatment for the trauma, you deserve to feel well.
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by Duckysmom » Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:08 am

So do you, AG, so do you!
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by libellula » Sun Jul 16, 2017 8:35 am

Ducky, so many tears reading about your sister. Maybe your anger is your right to have justice for you and her.
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by Duckysmom » Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:55 pm

Putting this here as a final note. The rage has let up. Feeling a bit sad. Bill drove me the hour drive to put flowers on my sister's grave. My parents were there. They had made the long drive as well with flowers as well. But there is another birthday to celebrate. My Akita pup turns one today and she's being spoiled like crazy with special treats and lots of love. She's named Betty, after my sister, because they share a birthday. I needed something happy on this day so I named my pup Betty.
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