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Memories and today (TW..SH)

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by Spm24 » Thu Jul 13, 2017 5:31 am

Doesn't belong here but doesn't belong anywhere. But here goes.... Just memories and such..

Tracy told me yesterday that I was up. She said she could tell that I was because I was whistling. Once she said that, I could see she was right I had been this way for a few days. Happy, wanting to sing and dance, thoughts of sex. Has been a little while since I have been up. Today I am coming back to stable just hope I am not going to get depressed.

Ok on to memories. When I was nineteen. 1993. I worked at a amusement park for the summer. Just today I have remembered how I was acting during the summer. I was drinking, not sleeping, plans to do this and that, basically thought I was indestructible thoughts of sex all the time never acted on it was not comfortable in my skin. But I was all my manic signs that I realize now when they happen.

When the summer was over I crashed. Thought that I was worthless didn't want to do anything. I took to burning myself (have the scars to remind me of it). I won't go into detail. I did it because at the time I could not feel anything. No emotions at all. I wrote a former coworker. Explained that I was not needed in this life. That I thought of ending everything. That I had burned myself. She wrote my parents. They got a priest friend to talk to me. Then we called my work places help line. They sent me to a psychologist. What a joke that was. She diagnosed everything as being depressed. No shit at the time I was depressed even I realized that. She never went into my history.

What annoys me about this though is how my parents acted. Many of you know my parents were basically indifferent to me. During the time of my tdoc visits. They inform me that they knew I was hurting myself. They knew I was not acting normal. Seriously why the fuck didn't they say anything. Didn't they think it would be a good idea to confront this head on. No just let it go. Stupid........

I was hurt at work in 2000. What happened is my hand went between two rollers. It was what is called a complex crush. It was not pretty. I could go into details but it was gory so better to leave the details in the dark. But I will say I was lucky I happened to get the doctor I did. It was possible I would have lost two or three fingers. I am lucky I have ninety percent usage of my hand. But what gets me is I have no emotions when I remember what happens. I can visualize it but there is nothing. It is just a memory. Seems strange that I can vividly remember the occurance but have no emotions over it. Oh well just wanted to get that out there.

As alot of you know I like to write about past experiences. It help me to work through them at my own pace. It bring me clarity to this disorder. It help me to realize that I have lived with this for years and it is not just something that has occurred recently. It shows me that this is real and not something I am making up just to get attention. I was accused of that as a child. But I know that is not true. I was just a child wanting love. But never got that. Still not to this day.. but for me that is just my relationship with my parents.

Thank you all that have taken the time to read this. I just needed to get this off my chest....
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by Duckysmom » Thu Jul 13, 2017 8:36 am

Sad for the child who needed to know he was loved and didn't. You are loved now and I hope you feel it every day and night for the rest of your life.

Your accident - a bit of disasdociation from it maybe? I know I would not want to relive the feelings you had then. And then again, maybe it's just a memory to you and not much more. Only you can decide that.

Hugs, Shawn.
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by libellula » Thu Jul 13, 2017 8:59 am

Thanks Shawn to have shared your memories. I read always with great interest your posts, because I found that you are pretty much good in your introspection work.

Your key sentence for me is this one "It shows me that this is real and not something I am making up just to get attention"

Exactly, this is real and we all share our way of dealing with it. thanks again.
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by Mocha » Thu Jul 13, 2017 3:10 pm

Thanks for sharing those parts of your life, Shawn.

About this.....

But what gets me is I have no emotions when I remember what happens. I can visualize it but there is nothing. It is just a memory. Seems strange that I can vividly remember the occurance but have no emotions over it. Oh well just wanted to get that out there.

If you're talking about your accident here....to me your reaction isn't all that unusual. Again, just to me. imo it's ok that it's just a memory. you know how many times i've been injured/hurt etc.......i don't really have feelings/emotions about any of those times.....just those memories you mentioned.

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by Spm24 » Thu Jul 13, 2017 4:48 pm

Thank you three for your comments.

Ducky I know I am loved and I can feel it which keeps me moving forward. Thanks for the hug.

libellula I appreciate what your said. It means alot that you find my writing worthwhile. It's hard to always believe it is real.

Mocha your probably right that I am just like you. It is nothing more then a memory for me anymore. Two years ago I had some vivid dreams about it but that was because I had started working there fifteen years after I had been injured. So that was understandable. Now it is all just memories. Took me writing the story down to realize that.
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Thu Jul 13, 2017 11:37 pm

(TW - Suicide) I have no emotions over my suicide attempt, it was something I know I needed to do at the time. I have emotions over what brought me over the edge, but not the act itself.

To be completely honest, sometimes it crosses my mind that if I actually managed to do it, I didn't have to go through such pains afterwards. Of course then I remember that my life actually got better in the meanwhile.

I still feel lost and empty, a part of me will love to shut me down from the world in order for me not to suffer anymore. The same part of me believes it's my fault for putting myself in such dangerous situations in the past, that I should've known better, that I should've taken better care of myself. In fact, that same part of me still believes I'm not ready to fight the demons inside, that I'm just a scared little girl that needs protection.

But, the truth of the matter is that I have in fact been dealing with harsher demons than I never dealt with in the past. I have a bunch of issues because of that that I'm dealing with one by one. Same goes with you, I think you're just realizing how difficult it was for you to live inside your own skin during those periods, that sometimes some part of you still wishes it would all go away, and that's scary.

You've had a scare a few weeks ago, and another a few months ago. It's perfectly natural to feel raw or to not have emotions of what you did to yourself, but remember that sometimes those emotions come and are overwhelming.

I think it's a good subject to take over to your tdoc. How to find balance between feeling nothing about it, or overwhelming yourself with emotions about it to the point of rupture. I think you identified a trigger.

Just my 2 cents.
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by Spm24 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 6:57 am

I always like your two cents AG. It helps me rationalize things that happen. Your right most things to me are just things that happened to me. Nothing special for me. It has been this way most of my life. It will give me something to talk to my tdoc about....
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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