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Why the drink?

Many of you have suffered from addictions of one type of another.....many of you are in recovery, and some are still fighting your demons. This is a safe place to freely discuss what you're going thru and to learn new coping skills......no judgements.

by Miki » Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:55 pm

I know it does nothing to help make things better, yet it makes things tolerable. Drinking is crippling my potential yet I'm not ready to face my potential because I'm too scared to fail.
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by Mocha » Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:59 pm

Miki wrote:I know it does nothing to help make things better, yet it makes things tolerable. Drinking is crippling my potential yet I'm not ready to face my potential because I'm too scared to fail.

Hi and welcome Miki...
I understand what you mean, especially your last sentence.

Are you taking meds......seeing a pdoc?

btw, I'm glad you were able to log on ok..... :)
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by Sovereign » Wed Apr 19, 2017 3:05 pm

What does your drinking problem look like? Do you drink during the day? Weekdays or only weekends? How much a day?
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by Duckysmom » Wed Apr 19, 2017 4:25 pm

Like Mocha, I understand that last sentence. Fear of failure plagues me often. I don't drink, though, which is a form of self medication. Are you on meds and seeing a psychiatrist (pdoc) and a therapist (tdoc)? All 3 are important to get stable and healthy. The drinking would/could undermine that stability. If you have a pdoc and/tdoc, talking to them about this would be very beneficial.
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by OnTheMend » Tue Jun 27, 2017 5:33 am

I tell myself that I keep it in check pretty well and that upticks in frequency are the canary in my coal mine, so for safety reasons I cannot quit completely. OSHA and all that. :roll: Anyone buying this?

I am pretty good about limiting myself to a set amount that I rarely exceed. But I have some of the behaviors that are problem indicators - sneak it alone and lie about it (don't drive after and don't do it at work, but wife doesn't like it at home). Sometimes it is early in the day.

Sometimes it is truly social and I don't like being a non drinker (there is a stigma in some circles if you never drink).
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by Mocha » Sat Jul 01, 2017 11:41 am

Miki.......I think you're very well aware this is a problem for you. All the signs are there. I'm not just talking out my ass. I've been through it....I'm an old drunk......been sober for 17.5 yrs. It was destroying my life because I couldn't be honest with myself. I lost everything.

And it sounds as though you're aren't being honest with yourself either......in fact you're lying to yourself to be honest.

Drinking is crippling my potential yet I'm not ready to face my potential because I'm too scared to fail.

Dude........I'm sure drinking is crippling your potential, and the more you drink the more it will.........Drinking is what is making you fail NOW. Can't you see that?

Don't rationalize your drinking.....because it's always bullshit.

As someone on the thread asked.......are you seeing a pdoc or tdoc? Taking meds? If so, you need to talk to them asap about this. Don't waste any more of your life on this.




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by OnTheMend » Fri Jul 07, 2017 7:34 am

Mocha wrote:Don't rationalize your drinking.....because it's always bullshit.

So only irrational drinking is okay? :shock: :roll: :lol:

Just like so many things, it cannot be painted with a broad brush. There is a difference between drinking that is a problem by itself and drinking that is a crutch when you have other problems, especially when you can recognize the latter and flip the switch and stop. Not everyone is powerless.
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by freeman566 » Mon Jul 10, 2017 3:48 pm

OnTheMend wrote:There is a difference between drinking that is a problem by itself and drinking that is a crutch when you have other problems, especially when you can recognize the latter and flip the switch and stop. Not everyone is powerless.


Well said. I toke and drink interchangeably, although these days I'm too poor for bud. Drinking makes the world more bearable. It's really hard for me to get drunk because I have a natural tolerance to almost everything. I stay coherent far too long.
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by OnTheMend » Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:08 am

To clarify my comments a little, I still think I have a problem. I get depressed. I get hypomanic. I have substance use disorder. These things are related to some degree.
But as far as my substance use goes, I think keying on a particular substance to "beat" is a mistake. I need to work on the "use" and work on the triggers that typically lead to abuse.

freeman566 wrote:I toke and drink interchangeably, although these days I'm too poor for bud. Drinking makes the world more bearable.

Easier said than done, but I am working on making my world more more bearable without using substances that are not prescribed. This can be difficult as sometimes it gets bad because I am depressed and while my current meds are doing a pretty good job, it's not 100%.
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by Sovereign » Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:16 am

So what does alcohol do for you when depressed? I find it reduces my anxiety, but that's about it. And I don't need 20 beers for that to happen neither. But that's about it. I kept defending my alcohol abuse because it helped take the edge off of my depression, but the morning after I'd be depressed, AND hungover. And ashamed for drinking so much during a week day :(

I'm not lecturing because I failed pretty hard two days ago. Had a very stressful, shitty day at work, just got up and left, had 9 beers, took 100mg of IR seroquel at 5AM and then woke up at 2PM :S
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by libellula » Thu Jul 13, 2017 7:22 am

Miki wrote:Drinking is crippling my potentiall.

Hi Miki,

I can't really understand this sentence. If you are aware that drinking is crippling your potential, why you still drink? The fermentation process which is the basis of wine making, is a chemical process. Therefore it could interfere with the effects of the med or simply it could worse your depression which is a chemical imbalance or isn't it?

Two months ago I just completed the first level award in Wine and Spirits (to be introduced in the Sommellerie business). I studied exclusively chemical procedures of wine and spirit making!

For example when I drink Prosecco (I live in the heart area known for its production) the day after I have always headache. This is due to the sulfites which in Prosecco are very high and it interferes whit the effect of my meds.

What I'm trying to tell you is that first of all you have to be really aware of the side-effects of drinking for your depression. Don't understimate it.
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by OnTheMend » Fri Jul 14, 2017 11:06 pm

Sovereign wrote:So what does alcohol do for you when depressed?

When I drink, I "dose" - 24 oz of wine or equivalent. That is more of a euphoric buzz than heavy drinking. I am currently not drinking. It's only been 3 weeks but I have no plan to drink any time soon.

But if you look back at the comment:
OnTheMend wrote:Easier said than done, but I am working on making my world more more bearable without using substances that are not prescribed. This can be difficult as sometimes it gets bad because I am depressed and while my current meds are doing a pretty good job, it's not 100%.

I didn't say drinking specifically. My recent favorite was prescribed but is no longer since I was abusing it - adderall. 40 mg of immediate release lightened my mood considerably. Alcohol came into play later to "help" trazadone take the edge off and let me sleep. This was not a healthy cycle.
I am trying to get off trazadone also. I don't abuse it but it makes me groggy and I think it is a big factor in weight gain. So, how's that going? It's 3 am and I am up posting. I have been in and out of sleep and will try again in a few minutes.
I have been experiencing expansive hypomania for a few weeks. I think lamictal is involved because of the timing. I have not had expansive episodes before but it has probably been good for me; I confessed about my drug and alcohol use to my wife, family, doctors and only close friends. Part of me knows I like my secret indulgences but I just can't shut up. It comes with the other baggage though - my problems are the most important thing we could possibly discuss and I am so wonderful for coming clean. My wife doesn't like how I grin like I am bragging when talking about how I was sneaking drinks and pills. I know all this and keep doing it; sometimes it is like I am watching a movie. It could lead a person to...
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by AvantGarde » Fri Jul 14, 2017 11:56 pm

You should very proud of yourself for coming clean.

I also have an issue with addiction. The thing for me was realizing that it's a form of self harm.

About the grin, that has to do with the fact that you don't actually hate or dislike the addiction, it something that helps you get through with your issues, even if numbing them or postponing them. We all know that the problem comes with withdrawals, when things seem to get worse but then get better. It's okay not to be guilt ridden and be sober for your own well being instead of because it's the right thing to do in society's eyes.

I have this struggle with my tdoc. He keeps wanting me to aknowledge my addictions as something evil of sorts. I just don't see it that way. It was a crutch, and it took me a while but I got rid of that crutch. I prefer my sober self anyway, less hassle and uncontrollable situations. I don't have guilt for taking drugs and relying on that crutch, my mind was an unbearable place to be back then, I needed the escape.

Just remember what is the real reason you want to be sober, it's because it's not actually helping you get through your issues, because you realized you actually need external help and support, because your wellbeing and mental health are the priorities in your life. Without those things, we're ghosts in life.
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by Pancake » Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:08 am

I have this struggle with my tdoc. He keeps wanting me to aknowledge my addictions as something evil of sorts.

That seems a bit mystical. I know you get along really well with your tdoc otherwise, have you challenged him on it? I'd be interested to hear his rationale...
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by AvantGarde » Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:19 am

There are two things we disagree on. The first being that I'm bi, he thinks just because I only had relationships with men that makes me straight. I explained my sexuality being more open than that, not restricted to labels and preconceptions, he seems to understand better now that we've had a conversation about it, haven't mentioned it since.

The other is the drugs/alcohol situation. He has/had this idea that all my issues come from my drug abuse in the past, he's right in saying it was a harmful escape rather than a not so harmful escape (like TV for example). My pdoc told him that the initial stage of my mental problems began with the drug and alcohol use. But we've talked about how some drugs were actually benefitial to some of my problems, like MDMA for PTSD for example. Two sessions ago he mentioned one study of a guy who did really well on it, stopped having symptoms under controlled surveillance. We talked how the time right after the abusive relationship I was in, I used a lot of MDMA and didn't have PTSD symptoms then. He still tries to make me say that "all drugs are evil", so does my pdoc. I don't believe it though, I was in the drug world since I was 13 and I did see evil drugs, but I didn't take those.

I honestly think it's a question of making me think all of them are bad so I don't go of the rail. I don't think it's prejudice, the sexuality thing, he's pretty open and we laugh about my tastes and thoughts, but more like a suspicion that I have this inherited hatred of men :lol: Ah well...
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by libellula » Sat Jul 15, 2017 9:07 am

I'm just reflecting about this topic "why the drink" drinking a bier alone infront of my pc. In this moment I wanted only drinking this cold bier and avoiding other human beings. Did it happen also to you? Do you feel a little of guilty? Sometimes for me drinking "alone" is important, specially at the end of a heavy day.
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by OnTheMend » Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:43 pm

Here it is after 3 again and I am up again (both today and yesterday I did sleep in segments). I always felt like "drinking alone" needed a qualifier to be on the list of things that indicate you have a problem.
Certain beers I truly enjoyed (good IPA or nut brown ale were a couple of my favorites) and stress did seem to melt away while I sipped it and often stopped at just one.
In some cultures, having a meal without a glass of wine would just be weird. While they seem to flip flop with each study, having a small glass of red wine each night may actually be good for you.
I was sneaking in a 24 oz can of the 14% ABV malt beverage from the convenience store that tastes like cough syrup and downing it about as quickly as I could. Sometimes I was more "upscale" and got the $3 or $4 bottle of Chardonnay from the grocery store instead but still chugged it alone. That was a problem. Very different from enjoying one, maybe two if it is not a giant can or crazy strong, beer that you are savoring while doing something.
I wish I could trust myself to have a controlled drink. It would be impossible to try after coming clean with my family, so it is kind of a moot point for me now.
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by Duckysmom » Sun Jul 16, 2017 4:48 am

I've kept quiet on this thread because I never drank much and only tried weed twice. Reason #1) Three weeks before my sister died, she made me promise not to. She said it ran in the family and she had gotten into that lifesyle herself for a while. She had a long talk with me about the dangers of addiction. When she died, it was the only promise I could keep to her. And I had plenty of opportunity, and got bullied a lot for not particiating.
#2) This sort of is related to the first. Long line of alcohics and drug addicts in my family. Mean as shit drunks, too. My youngest brother was an alcoholic and drug addict by the time he was 15. He got sober at 21, fell off the wagon when his first marriage ended and I dragged his screaming ass back to rehab. He's been sober since. Due to a back injury, he was put on narcos and became addicted to them, so he weaned himself off of them with his doctor's help.
Two of my uncles died of liver failure. A third one I'm not sure of because he lived so far away from us, but he was sober the last time I saw him before he passed away from a heart attack. The fourth was just a mean bastard and I don't know if he drank or not. I kept my distance. He passed a few years ago in his 80s. All of these were on my mother's side.
My mother married three drunks right in a row. The first was the father of my two older sisters and oldest brother. Mean SOB. The second I refer to as my sperm donor. She had me, then my younger brother. He damn near killed her and abused my older siblings. She left him when the law got involved and she almost lost her kids. Then she married my dad, another alcoholic, abusive as all hell. He stopped drinking when I was 10 and she threw him out, letting him back in only after he quit drinking. Not so mean, but still a jackass. She had my youngest brother with him when I was 7. Dad has mellowed with age, but seems to be reverting to old, abusive behaviours since his strokes and my mom's diagnosis of dementia. I've had to intervene and bring my mom to stay with us for times. He was hospitalized for a time about a year ago and put on meds, back to the hospital, still refuses to take his meds. My youngest brother calls him a dry drunk. His father was a mean drunk too, sober before I met him after my adoption. (My dad adopted my younger brother and I after the sperm donor lost his parental rights).

I myself married 3 times. The first basically soley into dope (weed, coke, acid). The second and third both drunks. One a closet drinker, the other positve he wasn't an alcoholic because he only drank after 5 pm. I believe his mother was an alcoholic.

I have drank. Prefer mixed drinks or wine to straight alcohol or beer. But only occasionally and always to excess. Of course, I'm a lightweight since I have no tolerance. Tried weed for the first at age 43. It put me to sleep. I woke up like "well, wasn't that fun." (Sorry, sis.)

So I'm wondering how many of you with drinking issues grew up with it in your family. Was it strictly self-medication or a learned coping mechanism?
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by OnTheMend » Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:05 am

Duckysmom wrote:So I'm wondering how many of you with drinking issues grew up with it in your family. Was it strictly self-medication or a learned coping mechanism?

I never saw drinking in our house other than when friends of my parents did it at parties. My parents were active socially when I was young , going to and hosting get togethers fairly often and it was BYOB at out house. I didn't see anyone drunk (that I remember) at those or the ones hosted by others. Nearly all their friends also had kids and the parties were full family affairs.
Someone gave them a bottle of wine every now and then and they would put them in a cabinet in the kitchen and pull one out when they were invited to a party or dinner and they knew the host drank. My first drink was from taking one of the bottles when there were 3 or 4 up there. I was in the 4th grade, 10 years old. I got drunk and sick and didn't drink again until I was 13. In the 45 years since age 13, I have quit drinking a year or more a couple of times and several times I have gone more than a couple of months without drinking, often by chance (wasn't sneaking, just social and just didn't have any outing where there was drinking).
Purposefully drinking to a buzz or beyond alone has "only" been a thing about 20 years. I remember it starting with marital problems as the trigger, but it also almost exactly coincides with a major depressive episode that led to my first bipolar diagnosis.
In my younger days, I did often drink to excess but it was always with others doing something (not just sitting around drinking unless we were watching a game, playing cards or whatever).
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