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by hal » Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:44 am

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by AvantGarde » Thu Nov 02, 2017 5:00 am

Oh hal :lol: :lol:
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by Mocha » Thu Nov 02, 2017 10:59 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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by hal » Wed Nov 08, 2017 3:58 pm

Tree roots can keep growing after you cut down the tree, so your sidewalk might keep buckling after all. :( (If you don't believe this, think about the suckers springing out.)
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by AvantGarde » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:37 am

Massive brain fart... spent all morning (last 4 hours at least) thinking about pregnancies for some reason.. and for the life of me couldn't remember how long women can carry their children. "It's seven, it's eight, it's nine.. no it isn't that long, it's eight..." :shock: :shock:

Something is seriously wrong
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by dubious66 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 7:14 pm

If a month is 4 weeks, 10! (40 weeks) :)
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by AvantGarde » Sun Dec 03, 2017 5:46 am

Anyone else get the feeling they're living in a movie and either something really awesome is about to happen or something really bad, depending on the music that's about to play in the background? The thing is, there is no music!!! Oh gerd
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by hal » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:53 am

My wife and I went to my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she was my old girlfriend. She took to drinking after we broke up and I heard she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by AvantGarde » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:58 am

:lol: Oh hal
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by AvantGarde » Tue Dec 12, 2017 3:50 am

Christmas music everywhereeeeeeeeeeerrrerrrrrttfgguhfseyhvarfghhhhhhh

I can't stand anymore covers of Mariah Carey's song
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by hal » Tue Dec 12, 2017 9:49 am

Why men should not write advice columns

Dear Mike,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.

Mike
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by Spm24 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:35 pm

Snowfall quiets everything down. Sort of muffles out civilization.. Great thing about winter
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by AvantGarde » Thu Dec 14, 2017 6:40 am

Sitting home waiting for packages is as boring as whathisname.
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by hal » Fri Dec 15, 2017 1:48 pm

Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die.




Wait, what?!?
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by AvantGarde » Mon Dec 18, 2017 12:32 am

Since season 3, my predictions over how Game of Thrones' plot is being handled on the show has been right most of the time. This is not bragging, I swear, I think my mind is really twisted or the show is too predictable.
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by Mocha » Mon Dec 18, 2017 4:30 am

hal........Mike is an idiot...... :evil:
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~Martin Luther King, Jr.~

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by hal » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:33 am

I think it depends on the Mike.
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by AvantGarde » Mon Dec 18, 2017 8:29 am

Sometimes I get this awful urge to just become a house cat. Find a nice human, settle down... Food is weird though.
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by AvantGarde » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:01 am

My mom is home sick with the flu.. she started talking to herself complaining and I asked what happened, she said she lost a sock. I begin looking for the sock, couldn't find it anywhere, she says never mind and I continue on with my affairs... After a while she start laughing hysterically, I ask what's up and she said she found the sock.. I ask where was it, and she said she had it on her foot. :roll: :lol:
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by hal » Wed Dec 20, 2017 7:36 am

Had four health-type appointments yesterday.

First, balance problems getting worse and worse. The neurologist couldn't find a cause, though he spent a lot of time and tried everything in the book, seemingly. He ordered labs and lamely (I thought) said it might be related to lithium. For inner ear problems need to see an ENT.

He seemed to be an okay neuro. Now I can consider him my regular neuro and not have to go back to the awful one I saw before.

Saw an audiologist. The previous hearing guy was not an audiologist but a hearing aid salesman, more or less. She diagnosed outer ear infection. I liked the audiologist a lot.

Saw pdoc. We agreed that whatever effect the lithium might have on balance, it was the one thing that has always worked for me and we would continue. Decided to cut the Lamictal dose in half to see if it made a difference.

Called the ENT doc and was surprised to get in that afternoon. He cleaned ears well and dismissed inner ear as source of balance problem because I have the wrong symptoms.

Reported all this to personal doc. He said he was pleased that the balance problems weren't due to something serious.

I guess I can live with that. I haven't actually had falls due to balance, though I have tripped a number of times.
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by Pancake » Sat Dec 23, 2017 7:39 pm

Killed the lawnmower (*again*) so my very nice neighbour got his slasher out to cut down my fire risk for me. (his cows will get the feed).

Sitting here zoning out, watching the cut dry grass kck up in little whirlwinds.

It's quite mesmerising really.
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by Pancake » Mon Dec 25, 2017 12:30 am

And probably smaller.

Hope the video shows, had to link to a Facebook page. Apologies.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_ ... =746923643
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by AvantGarde » Mon Dec 25, 2017 12:39 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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by Pancake » Mon Dec 25, 2017 12:49 am

We have some cute little octopusses, too. They fit in the palm of your hand, and the darker his rings are, the deader he's going to dead you and 26 of your friends.

http://www.uwphotographyguide.com/blue-ringed-octopus
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by AvantGarde » Mon Dec 25, 2017 12:54 am

:lol: :lol: I've seen pictures. I'm always seriously amazed at the Aussie's way of handling such a deadly country, the worst thing we have here are some jellyfishes that can sting you and make you have a shitty beach day. We killed all the rest and all their cubs :? Not me though, I wasn't born back then.

Oh, they're introduncing the lynx back into the wild but people keep shooting them or poisoning them.

Then people get surprised when I tell them I prefer all other animals other than the human animal.
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