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Not again (SI:TW)

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by Jemane » Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:48 pm

Sorry to bother you all. I feel like I post too much. I’m really struggling. I’m hitting the post manic down. Which I suppose is totally expected.
I haven’t run for a week. I never stop running. Even when I’m down. I’m losing my motivation for everything including life. I’m starting to think of ways out.
Can’t do it. I’ve got 3 amazing kids and an equally amazing husband.
I had been so optimistic I was avoiding a down this time.
I just want to cry.
I don’t think I can do this again. I don’t think I have the energy this time.
But I’ve got to.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Dec 01, 2017 12:07 am

Does your husband know?
Called pdoc yet? Need to, quickly. If you haven't done it yet, call in the morning.

ER is always an option.
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by Jemane » Fri Dec 01, 2017 12:14 am

Thanks AG.
I feel reluctant to tell my husband as I feel like I’m such a burden and I feel like I want to keep it to myself. I know I should. He knows I’m heading down. It’s pretty obvious I’m lacking the energy I had before.
I’m not seeing pdoc till Thursday next week do i think I’ll have to call him.
I’m sick of being the annoying patient who has to call him all the time. I hate bothering him although I know I pay good money to see him.
I don’t think I need Emergency yet as I’m unlikely to do anything at this stage. I’m more worried about in a few weeks time when I’m totally sick of feeling like this.
I guess I’m just saying, there’s not many people I can tell. I’m feeling crap. No more than crap. I’m starting to have suicidal thoughts. Barely any of my friends get it. I’m so thankful for you guys who get what I’m going through.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
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by Pancake » Fri Dec 01, 2017 3:01 am

I’m sick of being the annoying patient who has to call him all the time. I hate bothering him

Blame your childhood :roll:
Squeaky wheel gets the grease, dontcherknow (;

If he doesn't know something's up, he can't help. And unless I'm missing something, you don't call him all the time. You put it off because you don't want to trouble people a bit, though.

I’m starting to think of ways out.

Call him (:

I feel for you with the rollercoaster misery. It's exhausting, and I'm so sorry you are stuck in that loop.

The quicker you flag it, the sooner any med adjustments can maybe help.
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by Jemane » Fri Dec 01, 2017 3:37 am

Yes, I will call, first thing in the morning. I did chat to my husband and he was supportive.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
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by hal » Fri Dec 01, 2017 6:18 am

Jemane, you don't post too much. You have great insights and are a very sympathetic person. I like you.

I'm sorry you're going through another rough time but glad you have support close to you, as you certainly do here. Hope you'll call your pdoc. I understand how you might be reluctant, but that is a symptom of your depression. Many HUGS to you!
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by Mocha » Fri Dec 01, 2017 10:15 am

yep, def sounds like you're having that post 'up' crash. And I know it sucks...always does. I'm glad you told your husband and cool on calling pdoc. Good for you..... :)

And girl, you don't post too much and like hal said you're always supportive of everyone else when they need it. We're here for you.

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~Martin Luther King, Jr.~

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by Pancake » Fri Dec 01, 2017 12:05 pm

Good luck with the pdoc, hope the phones are still working down there! I have a swamp happening, and freshly forged rivers running downhill past the house.

Stay safe <3
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by Duckysmom » Fri Dec 01, 2017 2:21 pm

I hope this crash doesn't last long. So glad you told your husband and are calling your pdoc.
"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one."
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by AvantGarde » Fri Dec 01, 2017 9:37 pm

Hey Jemane, did you call your pdoc?
Genetically evolved chicken at your service

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by Jemane » Tue Dec 05, 2017 1:18 am

I didn’t end up calling pdoc as I started to feel better.
I’ll confess to being a bit naughty. Pdoc had put my abilify dose down and my mood just bottomed out and I felt totally agitated so I put it back up and felt better.
I’m seeing him Thursday so I’ll talk to him about it then.
I know you’ll tell me off for adjusting my meds on my own and you are totally right.
This has happened before when we tried to drop the abilify.
His plan was to stop it and replace it will some new AP - can’t even remember the name it’s so new.
I’m still lacking motivation and I’m feeling pretty bad about myself but no SI or anything.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
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by Pancake » Tue Dec 05, 2017 1:37 am

I know you’ll tell me off for adjusting my meds on my own and you are totally right.

I'm sure we should, but you know what? In the same situation I would probably have done the same. It's not like a cold turkey stop or start.

Glad you are feeling less bad, but damn this merry go round with the abilify sucks.
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by AvantGarde » Tue Dec 05, 2017 1:55 am

Glad you're feeling somewhat better. I won't say anything, if you're better than that's what matters.
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by Jemane » Tue Dec 05, 2017 2:04 am

Thanks Pan and AG, really appreciate your support.
Hopefully this is just a ‘blip’ and that I’ll be on the road to stability.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
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by hal » Tue Dec 05, 2017 3:46 am

We do what we must. Glad you're feeling better, jemane. :)
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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