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by judy » Mon Mar 28, 2016 12:25 pm

Now that I logged on..there are so many rooms with so many people. I don't know where to chat or if I am ready. At least I made it this far. Thanks for your patience.
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by Mocha » Mon Mar 28, 2016 12:46 pm

judy wrote:Now that I logged on..there are so many rooms with so many people. I don't know where to chat or if I am ready. At least I made it this far. Thanks for your patience.


Hey, girl.....you made it..... :)

I did move your post to the 'New to Our Forums' Forum.....it's just easier for other members to find your first post and welcome you to the site.

So welcome to BPS......we're glad to have you here..... :)

You'll get used to the different forums on the board. if you do have questions, just pm me, BillyGoat or Crazymedic....We'll help you out, no problem. Or you can also post questions in the "Questions About The Site?" Forum at the top of the board.

And don't feel pressured to post if you're not ready......take your time to get settled in. I know you've been going through somewhat of a rough patch, so do what feels right for you.

I can tell you that we'll be here for you for sure.

Again, Welcome!
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by BillyGoat » Mon Mar 28, 2016 8:11 pm

Welcome to bps judy.

What's been goin on?
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by clare_hart » Mon Mar 28, 2016 8:19 pm

Hi Judy, welcome to the site. I'm glad to have you on board. The more viewpoints we get on any subject, the more interesting the discussion, and maybe even some understanding. ;)

My way of approaching the forum is to go over to the right side of the screen and choose view new posts or active posts. Takes ya right into the action. :twisted:
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by judy » Mon Mar 28, 2016 8:56 pm

Thank you
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by hal » Tue Mar 29, 2016 3:38 am

Judy, you couldn't be in a better place. Let's hear from you!
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Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
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by Crazymedic » Tue Mar 29, 2016 5:31 am

Welcome Judy. You stumbled on a great place with great people. There's a lot of experience here. Take you time if it helps. Read some of the boards and when you're ready jump in. Glad you're here.
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by BillyGoat » Tue Mar 29, 2016 10:37 am

CM wrote:Take you time if it helps. Read some of the boards and when you're ready jump in.


Good advice right there. That's why he's the board's favourite mod.

When I first joined the old site, I used to pre-write posts in MS Word, then edit them 88 times, then delete them, because four days had passed and they were no longer relevant. I got a lot off my chest that way.

judy, sorry that you've been struggling. When you feel comfortable sharing, we'll be here for you.

Even Madelyn, who, now that she's exceeded 11 posts, is officially bestowed with with the privilege to welcome new members. As long as she does it quickly, otherwise it's getting yanked right back. ;)

Bout the rooms... you go into some, you don't go into others. Unless you're Mocha, who controls the site superbly, and keeps a close eye on everything. Pick a couple of rooms that you like the feel of, and like CM said, put your feet up and read.
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by judy » Wed Mar 30, 2016 9:06 pm

Can I chat in this room.
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by Pancake » Thu Mar 31, 2016 12:24 am

I don't think there is a chat room as such, but if you write something we will write stuff back. Just not instantly.

Welcome, by the way. Sorry I didn't say hi earlier, been hiding in the blanket fort.
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by Mocha » Thu Mar 31, 2016 2:59 am

judy wrote:Can I chat in this room.


Hi again, Judy.... :)

Unfortunately, on this site we do not have a regular chat room. But you can 'talk' all you want on this thread or start a new thread in any Forum on the Board. On any subject......about anything that's bothering you.

We're more than happy to listen and discuss things with you.

But as Pancake said, you may not get an immediate response because someone might not be on the board at that exact moment. But we will answer as soon as we see your post....... :)

Hope this helps.
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by judy » Fri Apr 01, 2016 9:15 pm

I have officially been diagnosed with bipolar for the past 20 years. I know I had it much earlier but didn't know it then. When I first got diagnosed I was hospitalized every year for at least a couple of weeks to get meds adjusted. I have taken many classes for anxiety depression and even anger. I have learned many skills along the way to deal with highs and lows but now I am thrown for a loop.

My regular psychiatrist moved .away a couple of years ago. I used to see him monthly. The psychiatrist I have now is very nice but I see him at his request every three months. This has put a lot of pressure on me to hang in until my next apt. I held two full time jobs. I care for my daughter who is physically and mentally disabled. Recently I lost one of my jobs due to the business being sold. That started me on a depression.

When I saw my dr. on my three month visit I didnt know what to say. I told him I felt like I was riding a wave. It would go up and down and I just rode it out. He just renewed my meds and sent me on my way. When the secretary handed me my new apt. I froze. I couldn't speak. I just stood there like an idiot staring at the card. I was having the first panic attack I ever had since ten years prior.I felt anger welling up as well as fear and panic....I tried to let it soak in but I couldn't my thoughts started racing. How could I make it to this next apt. without my dr.

Since then I spiraled into a severe depression. I have become suicidal. I am very emotional. Even holding it together at work is getting next to impossible. I have used all the skills I have been taught and now I just don't care if I take my meds or not. I feel like my dr. doesn't care. Which I know is unrealistic. I tried to get another apt. but couldn't. I called mental health but hung up because fear set in.

I would go to the hospital but I don't have any family. That would leave my daughter with no one to take care of her. I carry the crisis line number in my purse but hesitate to call because the last time I did the person on the phone recognized my voice and knew who I was. I keep this hidden from everyone. Only a handful of people know. The ones at work that know treat me very disrespectfully.

I feel like I cant take care of my daughter and I am fighting that thought. I have no energy. I often go days without showering just a quick wash and off to work. I am having surgery in May which is preventing me from dragonboating. I look forward to that every year. Now I have nothing to look forward to. Well thats the story I guess. Thanks for letting me talk. This is long I wonder how many will read it to the end. Sorry about thst. I am also rambling as you can tell. Thanks again Judy
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by Pancake » Fri Apr 01, 2016 10:46 pm

Hi Judy, wow tough year for you.

Re: the bipolar, manic and hypomanic are not always what you might expect them to be. Perhaps there is something to do with the moodiness and anger you describe that your Drs are seeing? I would ask them.

Do you see a therapist as well as a psychiatrist? It sounds like Pdoc is not meeting *your* needs, even if he is nice, but with only 3-monthly appointments, maybe he only expects to check in with how meds are going and refill scripts? It worries me that you identified as struggling and he ignored it...

I am having surgery in May which is preventing me from dragonboating. I look forward to that every year.

I hope you can get back to it after the surgery? Or will the surgery prevent it? What a unique sport, I hope it's just a temporary time out for you.
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by Mocha » Sat Apr 02, 2016 3:00 am

Hi, Judy.....wow girl I can feel the pressure you're under right now, and I know you're wondering if you can take anymore.

I want to go over several things from your post, but it's almost 4am my time and I'm afraid I wouldn't do it justice atm.

For now, just know that I hear ya......we are listening and hope you'll keep talking if you need to.....no judgement.

More after I get some rest.
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by judy » Sat Apr 02, 2016 10:20 pm

Thank you for the input. I only see a psychiatrist and my gp if I am sick. She won't prescribe or make any changes to psych meds.

I forgot to mention that a year ago i lost consciousness because I am hypoglycemic. I fell straight back after sezuring and cracked my head on blacktop. I ended up with a severe concussion and have Bern suffering from migraines ever since the fall.

I used to have a caseworker at mental health but due to gov't cutbacks they discharged anyone they thought didnt need the service. I am a highfunctioning BP person when I am stable. I can work fulltime not one but two jobs.
I was discharged and now its a four mth wait list just for a consult apt. at Mental Health.

I love dragon boating because it allows me to escape into a world without having to be responsible for anyone but myself. I have been a caretaker all my life. My father was disabled and he lived with me until he passed away in1999.

Dragonboating also gives me family. I have no siblings or parents so other than my daughter son and husband that is the extent of my family. I will not be able to do the sport this year. I will be laid up for 8 weeks after surgery and start physio after.

Sometimes when I see my psychiatrist I dont know what to say. Our visits are about 30 mins. I want to tell him everything or mothing but usually I just ramble and when I leave I think of what I could have said.

One time when I attempted suicide 20 years ago the dr. at the hospital proceeded to ask me why.
I told him my story of woe at the time and he said What do you want me to do. I cant fix your problems only you can. That has always stuck with me and is the number one reason why I am so secretive about BP and why I have become withdrawn about sharing anything personal even to my best friend.

I have been focussing on crafts because they make me feel better for a bit and I usually listen to music as well.
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by Pancake » Sun Apr 03, 2016 12:25 am

What do you want me to do. I cant fix your problems only you can

Geeze, some jerks just have no bedside manner do they. I can think of any number of more helpful things he could have said.

What crafts are you into? Will your surgery give you some time to create things, or will it interfere with that too?
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by judy » Sun Apr 03, 2016 6:33 am

Well don't laugh but I started wood carving. Very few females do it but there is one lady in our club thst has been carving for several years and does dome amazing work.
If I knew how to post an image I would share what I am currently working on.
I also quilt. I started that a couple of years ago but I am traditional I make them from start to finish by hand. Needless to say I am just in the last stage of completing my second quilt.
Yes I can do these while I am laid up while sitting in my chair.It will definitely be a good healer for me.
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by SteveW » Sun Apr 03, 2016 10:25 am

Something I can finally help out with :) Always wanted to learn to carve but never had the patience and artsy stuff was never a strong suit of mine.

Heres the link I use to post images to the board, no account needed. The pic just needs to be on your puter. Then go here and download it

http://postimage.org/

A pg will come up with a bunch of different links, I use the "Hotlink for Forums (1)" and click on "copy to clip board" and come back here and paste. Thats it, done. You can make an account with them if you wanna save your pics but dont have to.

Hope this helps.
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by BillyGoat » Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:30 am

Gday judy

I just wanted to say thank you for having the balls to share with us.

I know when I first joined the former site a little over ten years ago, I was scared as fuck about it, and it took me a few posts to get into things, but when I finally did, the clouds started parting in the sky.

btw, read your posts, and see a lot of similarities in our stories. Except that you're really good at wood-carving, and I'm not.

Welcome, judy. You've found your home.
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by Pancake » Sun Apr 03, 2016 12:45 pm

Well, just quietly, I've heard that historically, pink was considered to be a bold manly colour. And knitting was a men's sport. No idea how accurate that is, but it sounds good ;)

Wood carving sounds fantastic. I tried hand quilting once, got a few squares in and put it aside for other projects... I jump arose be a bit. Mainly I spin, dye and crochet, and would like to try weaving.

Would love to see a picture if you can work it out.
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by clare_hart » Tue Apr 05, 2016 6:41 pm

judy wrote:Well don't laugh but I started wood carving. Very few females do it but there is one lady in our club thst has been carving for several years and does dome amazing work.
If I knew how to post an image I would share what I am currently working on.
I also quilt. I started that a couple of years ago but I am traditional I make them from start to finish by hand. Needless to say I am just in the last stage of completing my second quilt.
Yes I can do these while I am laid up while sitting in my chair.It will definitely be a good healer for me.


I am impressed Judy, by both those activities. I've kind of deserted mine for too many years . . .

I know I'm single minded today, but you know that anger not expressed can reach into your soul and manifest as depression. I'm all in favor of expressing my mind when I am astonished or angry. Even if I have to swallow my bad temper when I express my anger - there are better ways to get through to people.

In fact, all I could do with my tdoc today was say uh huh, sure. Tomorrow I'll call the nurse and get the satisfaction for his (tdoc's) lack of compassion/understanding. That doesn't work, it's on to the manager, to whom I have talked before.

Anyway, I haven't had the energy to read through all the posts so maybe you've gotten rid of the crap in your way. It sounds like it from the paragraph of yours that I quoted.

But I can be a total ass some days!
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by judy » Sat Apr 09, 2016 9:25 pm

Hey..I wrote a long reply a couple of days ago but when I went to submit it I accidentally deleted it. I didnt have the patience to retype it. I will send pictures one day.

I tried to do woodcarving today but ended up ruining two projects. I thought it would 've a great stress relief but if your carving and you press too hard or have anxiety you do what I did. I cut the ears off the bear I was carving then his nose. I decided to redo it another day. Tried an impression carving but its not good. I kept slipping and gouging the wood. Too shaky.

I went to a funeral today for a wonderful young man. He was 27. My daughters good friend and a former student of mine in grade 4.
I have another funeral this week for a very close friend that lost a courageous battle with cancer.

I took my daughter out for a birthday dinner and she got physically ill all over the table. I believe it was the milk she drank. That really sucked and I couldn't have been more discouraged. I really wanted to do something special for her and it failed miserably. I am going to try to do sonething again tomorrow

My cat has been back and forth to the vet the past three days. He is unable to eat and spends his days hiding. So far they cant find anything wrong. I have almost used up my entire paycheck trying to help him.

I came on the site tonight because I am emotionally drained. I have absolutely no one I can talk to. I poured my heart out to a friend that is always posting about his depression and he writes words and poetry to encourage others. He didnt respond and I felt hurt. But he has his own issues to deal with and his own family.

I tried talking to my best friend and again no response. Her daughter was just discharged from hospital for severe depression. I honestly dont think she wanted anymore on her plate.

Like I said before I have no family except for my daughter son and fiance. My daughter is non verbal. My son is recovering from a bad fall off a roof while working. He broke 11 bones and was in a coma for days. Honestly its the truth. You cant make up stuff like this. My fiance has an anxiety disorder so I am always trying to keep things stable for him.

I think about the seven years my friend fought cancer first lung cancer that gradually went to his brain. He kept fighting to live even though he had his brother, daughter and granddaughter pass before him including his wife of 35 years.

My thoughts are how many more years do I have and is it always going to be like this. As sad as I am to lose these dear friends I am actually jealous because they are at peace.
They touched so many lives and were so very loved.

I called the ministry last week and asked not only fir more funding for respite but mire funding so that I could place her with a family I have found at keast one week out of the month. I also requested she be assigned a social worker because she is totally dependent and the ministry has not had one for her for years.It seems proactive but for me its admitting I need help and it feels like a step backwards.
This is pretty confidential stuff and I don't even know if I should share it on this site. I worry that I may upset someone or trigger someone. I always hold my anger in. I dont even argue with people. I am not a right fighter. I internalize everything. I walk away and then one day out of the blue I break. It has happened before but its been years. For anyone that reads this Thank you.

No response is necessary I think of that one dr. only I can control my future. He cant fix anything but I on the other hand cant either. If anything failure right now just drags me down lower if that is possible. I guess just venting is ok. I stopped carving to type this.
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by Pancake » Sat Apr 09, 2016 10:39 pm

Hi lady,

For reals you have a lot on your plate, I think you can go a bit easier on yourself. Not even sane people are going to have their head in the game with that much recent loss and trauma. I'm going to harp on the therapy option if you're not getting any, there's a lot of stuff a good therapist can help you with.

Wood is a terribly unforgiving material to be working with though. At least if I'm doing so badly that I make a giant botch of a piece of crochet, I might sit and cry angry tears at it or throw it at the wall, but I can still pull it back and start over.

I hope you are feeling a little better tomorrow.
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by hal » Sun Apr 10, 2016 9:16 am

Wow, you are floating in a real sea of troubles, Judy. But you ARE floating! Keep talking, we're here.
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Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
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by Mocha » Tue Apr 19, 2016 1:44 pm

oh wow, Judy.....I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.....it's almost more than a person should have to bear.

Are you still in therapy? Does it seem to be helping? I know you feel you have to be there for everyone else, but if you don't care of you,you won't be able to take care of anyone else.

What about a pdoc? When I read what that last pdoc said I was furious..... :evil:
I told him my story of woe at the time and he said What do you want me to do. I cant fix your problems only you can.
What kind of bullshit was that? A pdoc is supposed to guide you along....yes, not solve your problems for you, but help you figure out and help you find the solutions. What an idiot. I hope you aren't still seeing the same one....

So are you seeing a new one, and are you taking meds?

I hope things settle down for you, and please feel free to open up to us here. No judgements and you can trust us with your emotions.
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