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by gabbee45 » Thu Sep 07, 2017 3:22 am

I am so happy to be a part of this forum. This is my story.

I was diagnosed with bipolar after having a nervous breakdown due to my cheating husband. He was my third husband. I have suffered from depression most of my life and was even treated with anti-depressants prior to my breakdown.

My depression, as many can identify with, was so bad all I could do was cry and wish to die. The manic was mixed in with behavior that was completely unlike me.

I have so much guilt because of my children who had to go through this with me. I placed my son as a care giver and he was about 12, my daughter was 9. I was crippled by my depression. My children have thrown it up to me often.

My father was like just get over it as if I could. People did not understand. It became impossible for me to work because of my anxiety and depression and thus I had to file for disability. There is shame in being disabled especially because of it being mental and not physical. People don't understand because they don't see it.

I did try to work afterwards but it was just impossible for me. My anxiety has gotten to a point that I can't even volunteer.

I have made so many terrible choices in my life because I didn't think them through. As I said there is so much guilt and I beat myself up all the time. Now I am going through my 4th divorce and I don't plan on marrying again. I like to be alone too much and not having to deal with anyone else.

My daughter will not speak to me and I have no idea why. She's 26 years old now. My son is 29, a drug addict and a deadbeat dad. He and I don't talk either because he is the true addict, liar and manipulator. I love both of my children but I don't like their ways. I carry a lot of guilt as to how much of this is my fault.

I have allowed myself to get beaten down so much especially by men, I feel like I have nothing emotionally left to give. More guilt for my last husband because I couldn't make this work either.

I do have to say without my Christian beliefs I would never be where I am today. Alive and still kicking!

Thank you for reading this.
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by MochaAdmin » Thu Sep 07, 2017 3:36 am

Thanks for the intro, Gabbee...... :)

Your story is familiar to many of us here because in one way or another it matches some of our own.

I hope you'll continue to post and make yourself at home. We all have a 'past' so no judgement.

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by AvantGarde » Thu Sep 07, 2017 3:44 am

Hi and welcome, I don't think I've welcomed you yet :)

I think many of us relate to your story, you're definitely not alone.

I see from your other thread that you're seeing a therapist? How is that working out for you?

I don't think we're responsible for our behaviors when we're acutely manic or depressed, but I do think that the constant victimization we do, and hence hiding in guilt and constantly afraid of making a move, can be addressed in therapy. We are not responsible for our past behaviors anymore, but we are responsible to how we deal with them in the present, for our wellbeing and those around us. Taking up the responsibility of that and stop blaming ourselves or others, stop living in guilt, is a major step, but worth taking so we can achieve some peace of mind.

I'm glad religion is helping you, personally I was only further screwed by it, but that's a whole different topic. :)

Welcome again.
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by gabbee45 » Thu Sep 07, 2017 4:13 am

Thank you both. I have been seeing a therapist for the last 3 years. The therapist I started with 3 years ago recently moved to another town in the state and I am no longer able to continue with her. I have been seeing another therapist but I don't think she is going to work out. I only want to see female therapists. The first therapist was wonderful and she did help me a lot to gain insight to my problems, however, I can't rid myself of the guilt and regrets. I don't live in my past but my past is what made me who I am now. I haven't managed to forgive myself for the past.

I have done brain spotting, talk therapy, and even meditation. Talk therapy works best for me. I am going to have to find a new psychiatrist and a new therapist I guess.

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by AvantGarde » Thu Sep 07, 2017 4:18 am

Three years is not much time to process a whole life of past behaviors. I'm sorry this new tdoc is not working out, that sucks (I'm switching tdocs at the moment, starting with someone new next week, so I can relate)..

Hope you're able to find someone to help you out.

And I do understand wanting a female therapist. :)
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by Spm24 » Thu Sep 07, 2017 5:15 am

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Many of us have went through parts of your story.

Guilt for past experiences is something hard to deal with. It takes time to heal those wounds..
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by Duckysmom » Thu Sep 07, 2017 8:44 am

Welcome, if I haven't already welcomed you. I made my daughter's early years a mess, but was dxd when she was 10. Making life better for her spurred me to get it together and get stable. Her father was a deadbeat dad. She became very rebellious and we ended up in court a number of times. Then she got pregnant in high school. I have a beautiful grandson now, and becoming a mom turned her around.

Do I feel guilt? Sure. But my daughter is an adult now and makes her own choices. I can't change the past. She used to throw it up at me, but I finally stood my ground with her. Her dad being such an ass I am sure contributed to her wayward ways as a teen. I was not solely responsible. I've learned through therapy to let go of the guilt. It rears it's ugly head from time to time.

I too have made terrible choices in marriage. But I learned healthy relationship skills, also through therapy. I did not rush into my current relationship, which is healthy and happy. We have our issues of course, like every relationship does, but we work on them together and there is no name calling or blaming going on. (My ex blamed everything on my BP.)

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time and I hope you find a tdoc you connect with and can help you sort through all the muck.
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by Stuckles » Thu Sep 07, 2017 9:25 am

Guilt can be hard to deal with but like others have said, a lot of what we do is down to BP. Yes it hurts and I don't think I could ever forget the things I have done but what is important to me is forgiving myself and accepting what happened. What is done is done and I am now better equipped to prevent it from happening again.

I understand about not being able to work again. I do feel guilty over the fact that I have to rely on others for a roof to live under and food on the table but what I know deep in my heart is that I have tried to the best of my abilities and pushed myself to the brink of breaking to change that but in the end I had to accept my situation and I could give no more without destroying myself. In that sense I have nothing to feel guilty about.

Sometimes, to move forward we have to stop looking back ...
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