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by TWG74 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:17 pm

[Trigger warning - self-harm & suicide]

Just wanted to introduce myself and explain a little of my background. I was originally dx bipolar II in 2004. At the time I'd been hospitalized because I was put on Zoloft for depression and went off my rocker. After getting out of the hospital I followed up with my psychiatrist for blood work for the Lithium I'd been put on, but he fired me for "non-compliance with taking my medicine." (I'd OD'd on Xanax, but not because I was trying to kill myself, only because I was trying to shut my mind off . At this time, and only during this time - I was self-harming because there was no other way I could find to express how I was feeling inside.) I went through many phases of hypomania followed by depression. When I was hypomanic I felt fantastic - I loved everyone, everything was beautiful, I had big plans for my life, I felt ALIVE. However at some point I became depressed and realized I needed help again and went to a new psychiatrist, who dx me as ADD with depression and anxiety. I was put on Paxil and Adderall.

In 2012 I was laid off and had to quit the meds. Again I went through hypomania and depression before I finally saw a new psychiatrist who put me back on Paxil. I don't know why, but I can take Paxil by itself and not go crazy. It's the only thing that works on my anxiety. However, at the beginning of last summer I was sick of gaining weight so I asked to be put on Prozac. Again I went off my rocker and ended up in a hospital after taking a bunch of pills to try and calm my brain.

At the beginning of the year I was put on Abilify along with the Paxil and went manic again for awhile. Then I convinced my regular doc to put me on Wellbutrin - again for weight loss purposes - and proceeded to become so anxious I could hardly function. Like I became afraid to drive (I've always loved driving), afraid my work building would collapse, that the elevators I ride every day at work would plummet to the ground, etc. Now I'm on Lamictal, Paxil, and Abilify.

Mixed in the above history are times when I quit taking my meds because I was convinced I was well and didn't need them. Each time I lived to regret it, of course. And the thing is, I LIKE being hypomanic because I get things done, I'm more social, and I feel so great. But I also spend money and do other things I end up regretting later.

My mom is also bipolar and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals from when I was in 8th grade. She was also a self-harmer. She's tried to commit suicide several times. She's stable now because they finally found a cocktail of medicine she will stay on. Hopefully.

So that's my story - or part of it anyway. I've read through posts on here and I can see how supportive everyone is so I'm happy to be here. Thanks for reading. :D
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by AvantGarde » Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:37 pm

Hi and welcome :)

Glad you finally posted, I was seeing you online wondering when were you going to post :lol:

Sorry about all the ups and downs, and sincerely hope you decide to stay on your meds from now on. They do help. Do you see a therapist?

Edit: I skipped your last part for some reason. Glad your mom is finally stable, that must've been hellish to go through in your childhood.
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by Spm24 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:45 pm

TWG74,

Welcome to the forum. As you have seen there are many caring and compassionate people here.

Many people here experience the same thing that you do dealing with hypomania. But as we know hypomania is not something that lasts. It is usually followed by depression...

Anxiety seems to plague many of us who suffer from BP....
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by TWG74 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:47 pm

Hi! Yes I was lurking around. :lol: I'm not seeing a therapist right now for financial reasons, although I know it would help. No plans to quit taking my medicine anymore, I finally accepted my dx and that I'll need to take them the rest of my life. Thank you for the welcome! :D
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by TWG74 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:49 pm

Spm24 - yes, anxiety has followed me for most of my life. Also some paranoia, I remember being a kid and thinking people were watching me through my air-conditioning vents. It kept me in line a lot of times, though! :lol:

Yes hypomania is fun, but the letdown afterwards is decidedly not fun.

Thank you for the welcome! :D
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by AvantGarde » Wed Aug 16, 2017 12:52 pm

TWG74 wrote:I remember being a kid and thinking people were watching me through my air-conditioning vents. It kept me in line a lot of times, though! :lol:


:lol: I thought a red sports car was following me home. Never occured to me it could just be a neighbour's car :lol: My pdoc says it's just childish imagination though, it's not related to the disorder, but I have my doubts :lol:
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by Mocha » Wed Aug 16, 2017 1:03 pm

Welcome TWG.........I'm glad to hear you're ready to stay on your meds.....I know that's a big step for you. A necessary step for sure though.

I hope you'll make yourself at home.......this is a very supportive site for sure......

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by TWG74 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 1:08 pm

AG - maybe it was imagination but it sure felt real to me! :lol:

Thank you for the welcome, Mocha. :D
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by Pancake » Wed Aug 16, 2017 1:38 pm

Welcome TW (:
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by Duckysmom » Wed Aug 16, 2017 4:10 pm

Welcome to BPS. We all love the hypomania, don't we? I don't drop from that, though, I just keep going up until I'm full blown manic. So it scares the hell out of me when I start seeing and recognizing the signs. Immediate call to my pdoc. Adjustment to meds. Last full manic episode turned into a mixed episode and landed me in the hospital.

My daughter spent her first 10 years with me being an undiagnosed (or misdiagnosed) mother. I know what that did to her childhood. I'm glad your mom is stable now. And I'm glad you are stating on your meds.
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by Jemane » Wed Aug 16, 2017 7:02 pm

Welcome TW.
Thanks for your introduction. I love hypomsnia. Wish it could be like that all the time!
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