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by SKJK » Thu Jun 29, 2017 11:21 am

I have not been officially diagnosed with Bipolar but the symptoms fit. Always have, one minute I'm ok, the next I'm ready to choke myself then I cry uncontrollably and this happens on and off ALL day but not everyday. When it does my world is turned upside down.

I've gone through major trauma within the past 4 years (divorce, beat up by a man, car accident, lost custody of my kids)my question is the delusions I had when I was married, I thought so many things when he was gone a month at a time for work, and the last draw for me was when I asked him about his past and the things I learned about other girls he has been in contact with threw me over the edge and I lost my entire family that vary night forever.

I have this very deep seeded feeling of pain and hurt, rarely am I genuinely happy. The last time I felt like I was happy and I found my best friend who was going to be there for me ended with him breaking my eye socket and trapping me in his home for two days with a horrible busted up face I couldn't even fit sunglasses over my face. After the fact for two days I listened to him beg a plead how sorry he was, but scared and confused I snuck away when he was asleep by taking his car.

I went straight to the police station, but couldn't get out of the car, I couldn't do it! I had just gone through the most traumatic experience with my ex and then that happened I didn't want any more police, questions, judgements, I let him get away with it. Then the idiot, scared, empty shell of a woman I became had no one else to talk to. I ultimately made the worst decision of my life.

Where does bipolar fit in? I have been unhappy my whole life. I can't put my finger on it. I've gone down the substance abuse path that make me happy until I crossed that line then I was angry and sad and delusional (but was I) everything I ever suspected of a person was true. I've tried every anti depressant, xanax, the only thing that ever made me happy was drugs but it was short lived and the downward spiral put me even lower than I could imagine. I have been sober from all that for three years but I have had no help. Is this what white knuckling is?

I'll stop I'm here to get answers from people who feel the same as I do. What have you done to help yourselves? Any suggestions? Any criticism constructive or not is appreciated. Obviously we are here because we have tried many things and are desperate for some shred of relief. Maybe I'm in the right place? Maybe not. But there is only one way to find out. Thank you for reading.
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by Spm24 » Thu Jun 29, 2017 1:32 pm


Welcome to the forum. You will find many caring and compassionate people here. It sounds like you have been through hell and back. There are members here who have been through some parts of your story.

Have you seen a pdoc? Or a tdoc? Do you have a diagnosis? Do you take meds?

When I had a long episode I went to my GP they started me on meds. SSRI's which sent me hypo. Then they tried me on an antipsychotics which made me tired very tired and a zombie. Then I went to see a tdoc then a pdoc. Then they started me on my current med then added more till I am on what is my current cocktail.

My suggestion is if you are not seeing a pdoc or tdoc you should. A pdoc will be able to give you a diagnosis and start you on so meds. A tdoc will be able to help you deal with your past history and show you a way to deal with everything.

I would say yes you have been white knuckling it.

I hope this helps you some. If you have more questions feel free to ask them or I I have not answered them very well just say so and I will try to answer them better.

We are non judgmental here so feel free to ask or say anything
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by Mocha » Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:59 pm Spm said, many if us can relate to parts of your story.

And as Spm said, I believe the first thing you need to do is get an appt with a pdoc, and for sure find a therapist. I don't know where you live but sometimes you'll need a referral from a gp or therapist to get a pdoc appt. Not always of course. You'll never find the answers you need if you don't do this. I do want to add that gp's are not qualified to treat or dx BP. They just don't know enough about it or the meds used to treat it.

We can't dx you because none of us are professionals, but the real professionals can. And with all the trauma you've experienced, we can almost say for sure you're suffering from PTSD. Therapy can help you there.

And again, as Spm said there are meds that can help you....just have to be the right ones.

Hope this helped.

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by Pancake » Thu Jun 29, 2017 9:18 pm

Antidepressants often aren't the best treatment for bipolar, if you have it. I was on that merry go round for years with an unenlightened PCP. At best I got no help and shitty side effects, at worst they made me manic. Now I am on mood stabiliser that is working really well.

A good pdoc and therapist, IMO.
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by AvantGarde » Fri Jun 30, 2017 4:00 am

Hey SKJK, welcome. :)

First of all, I'm really sorry for all that has happened to you.

And I'm kinda between problems right now, but I thought to answer because I have another perspective, from being on other forums and what my docs told me.

I do agree that a therapist and a psychiatrist will know how to help you best. We can't diagnose you here for sure.

What I can do is tell you what I've learned from being both a trauma and a bipolar patient...

Sometimes PTSD symptoms, especially when the trauma is continuous for a long period of time like yours was, can seem like bipolar, in the sense that it can give us periods of extreme distress and then we're fine for a few weeks, and then back on the distress. Since anxiety usually acompanies bipolar, docs can't always distinguish it and label it as depression. PTSD unfortunately is not researched a lot besides the original guidelines for it (ruminations and flashbacks), but in fact there is a whole other world of symptoms besides those two, so there isn't many answers for us that have PTSD. People who have been abused as children (like me) don't even get a straight diagnosis (it doesn't exist in the DSM), so we rely on mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and for some antidepressants but especially trauma therapy with a certified therapist.

So, my docs kinda put me between bipolar and trauma, medicated my mood swings and psychosis and give me trauma therapy. It's been efficient.
But this doesn't mean it's a cure, it just lessens the amount of distress or shortens the time we're distressed.

At the same time this can happen, trauma can also trigger actual bipolar. So that's why it's so confusing to know right now. But medicine is always evolving, 100 years ago things were so different, and now things are taking another turn.

Also, what kind of delusions do you mean? Being paranoid of a husband who isn't straight forward or has real troubling issues is not a delusion in the psychotic sense. Delusions in the psychotic sense is when you lose touch with reality completely and get "abducted" by those thoughts. Like believing you're the prophet from god, or that aliens have impanted a chip in your head. Then there's the sort of thoughts from bipolar, in a very general sense in hypomania we think we're invincible and going to do all the things we want to accomplish, and in depression we feel like crap and actually believe we're better off dead.

I'm just trying to ease your mind here, not sure if I'm accomplishing that goal :lol: What I'm trying to say is, like Mocha said, it can be a reaction to the trauma you experienced. It wouldn't be unheard of.

Best to talk it out with professionals than self diagnose, that's for sure.
Whatever your docs say, my advice is to research a lot on trauma, maybe join a trauma online forum somewhere (some are crap though, I never did found a good one for myself, but it doesn't mean it's not for you) and especially find a therapist and a psychiatrist.

Good luck.
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