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Jokes

Heard Something Funny??

by AvantGarde » Thu Dec 22, 2016 11:39 am

One day at school, the teacher told her students to draw whatever they wanted to draw. And all of the students did nice drawings of everything around them. But one kid in particular caught the attention of the teacher—it was Jones.

The teacher, seeing that Jones had not drawn anything on his paper, then asked..

Teacher: Jones, why have you not drawn a single line in your paper?
Jones: But Ma’am, of course I did!
Teacher: What is it then?
Jones: I have drawn grass all over my paper.
Teacher: But where’s the grass?
Jones: I have also drawn a cow, but he eat all of the grass.
Teacher: Where is the cow then?
Jones: Of course Ma’am he already went away. There is no grass for him to graze.

---

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


---


What's brown and sticky?

...
..
.

A stick :mrgreen:
Genetically evolved chicken at your service

My therapist says I don't have crazy eyes
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by AvantGarde » Thu Dec 22, 2016 12:09 pm

Three gentlemen are sitting in the train. The two that know each other are shouting out numbers to each other.

The first guy shouts, “856!” and the second guy starts laughing hysterically.

The second guy shouts, “944!” and the first guy laughs hysterically.

The first guy shouts, “1216!”…

The third guy is trying to read a book—a new one by Multatuli—but he just isn’t able to get into his book with the other two guys shouting out numbers. So he puts aside his book and says, “275”.

A total silence follows. The first two gentlemen look at each other awkwardly, thinking “What the hell does he want with his 275?”.

The third gentleman quickly gets back to his book and pretends to read in order to overcome the awkwardness of the situation, but the atmosphere is completely gone.

It takes 20 minutes before someone dares to break the uncomfortable silence. One of the first two gentlemen says, “1206!”, and the two start laughing hysterically again.

The other exclaims “17!” and they laugh even harder. The third man can’t take it any longer…

He faces the men and asks, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to intrude, but why are you laughing at each other’s numbers but not at my 275?

Perplexed, the two gentlemen look at each other, and then back to the third man as one of them says, “Sir, we’ve known each other for so long; we have been telling each other jokes for so many years now, so eventually you know all the jokes. So what we did… we indexed all the jokes we know, and so now we just call out the numbers that belong to the jokes that apply to the moment, and that way we have a nice train ride”.

“Oh okay”, said the third man, and he got back to his book.

He then realizes, it’s actually a strange answer. He puts his book aside again and asks the first two gentlemen, “But then why didn’t you laugh at my 275?”.

To which one of the first two gentlemen responds, “We already knew that joke”.

The third man gives it some pause but decides to accept it as a valid answer and gets back to his book.

A moment later one of the first two gentlemen calls out, “275!” and they both burst out in laughter.

The third man angrily puts aside his book and says, “Listen, friends. A moment ago I said 275 and you didn’t laugh because you knew the joke already, and now he says it and it’s hilarious. What’s going on?”, to which one of the first two gentlemen responds, “We didn’t want to upset you. But you’re right. We already know all the jokes, so 275—like all the others—we already know. The reason I didn’t laugh with you but I did laugh with him is because he can tell the joke better”.

The third man says, “Okay. I accept that. But can you then at least tell me what joke 275 is?”. “Sure, I will.”, says one of the first two gentlemen. “This is a very old joke. There are three gentlemen sitting in the train…”
Genetically evolved chicken at your service

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by hal » Thu Dec 22, 2016 4:42 pm

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab technician says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! said Mr. Smith. Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have Ontario Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"Ontario Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by Mocha » Thu Dec 22, 2016 6:21 pm

hal wrote:Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab technician says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! said Mr. Smith. Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have Ontario Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"Ontario Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Not A Professional of Any Kind ~ Just Your Garden Variety Nutjob

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

~Martin Luther King~
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by AvantGarde » Thu Dec 22, 2016 9:55 pm

Good one hal :lol: :lol:
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by Spm24 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 12:55 pm

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper
...............

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day
..........

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.

“He says you’re gonna die.”
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by hal » Fri Oct 20, 2017 3:31 pm

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot replied.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Ronald," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Ronald?"

The parrot squawked. "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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