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Values and preferences in being healthy

Discussions and debates on philosophies and beliefs

by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 13, 2017 3:33 am

Hello, Philosopher's Corner, it's been two months already, time for a post.

I've been thinking a lot about my past, traumas, relationships and most of all, responsibility or not over things that happened. It's often the case that we feel shame and regret over things that were not our responsibility at all, or that we weren't ready or emotionally mature enough to handle, or (regarding the context of this forum) we were in altered states of mind either by hypomania, mania or depression, addictions, impulsivity in self harm, suicidal ideation/attempts, etc.

I struggle a lot, on a daily basis, with the idea that I do have some responsibility over my actions when in those states. I can go from "I have no responsibility at all, I'm mentally ill", "It's all their fault, what happened to me was a consequence of their evil" to "It's my entire responsibility and I need to fix it" :roll: :lol: I think the truth lays somewhere in the middle in most situations.

Although it's true that some things that happen to us is the entire responsibility of others or unforseable circunstances (child abuse and extreme unpredictable mood swings come to mind), most things in our adulthood we have some slight responsibility over them.

In the early stages of an episode we can act on curbing it so it won't cause us problems, as we do have some responsibility in what substances we use and abuse and the consequences they might have to our health and to the lives of people around us, and even, after abusive relationships where we tend to pathologize the abuser with some issue and attribute all of what happened as their fault, when sometimes we do, on purpose, neglect the red flags we're shown in order to fulfill some kind of void that we can't seem to fill on our own. This is not about blame, but about self respect and self esteem, really.

I was reading articles on hypersexuality and love addiction, and came across a blog that mentioned making a list of the things we value in others and preferences before starting a new relationship after years of unhealthy relationships, so that we have the possibility of healthier relationships. Makes sense, but it's sort of reducionist, it again puts the emphasys on others rather than on our own value and self worth. It crossed my mind that the most important thing to the fulfillment of this emotional void of responsibility over our actions, is the relationship we have with ourselves and how we uphold those core values within our selves and how we deal with the fact that we don't always match the perfect version of us that we would like to maintain, making our preferences change a lot according to the situation presented, the mood we're in, or if we drank that day or not.

This all comes down to self-worth and self-esteem. It's something I severely lack, and I know it won't fall on deaf ears here, because just for having MI our self esteem is severely bruised. I don't really have answers, this is just a ponder. If I did I would be a zen spiritual guru :lol:

All of these thoughts struck me as I was reading that blog post and thought that my core values for life, what I allow and don't allow in my life anymore or the way I treat others as examples, have a lot more to do with my actual preferences and dreams of life, much more than I gave them credit for before.

So, the moral of this ponder is, taking meds and therapy seriously, ourselves seriously, our values in life seriously, getting really involved in having a healthy relationship with ourselves, and hence with others.

Thoughts are always appreciated. Slept really badly so I don't really know if any of this makes sense :o
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by mom6 » Sun Aug 13, 2017 5:48 am

What I am wondering after that very heavy post, is what DO you value in your life? Number them. Then order everything in your life around number one. You never actually give us the list. Let us know you a little more. No judging here, If you are comfortable.
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by AvantGarde » Sun Aug 13, 2017 5:59 am

Have to think about it, will get back to you on that :)

This is the philosopher's corner though, I'm allowed to wonder in the midst of uncertainty :lol:
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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 18, 2017 7:49 am

Ok, I've been thinking a lot about this, mom6... my values are:

1 - Aiming for empathy, not just relatability in connecting with others. Don't get me wrong, relatability is great, I aim for that too, but sometimes we confuse the two. It's not just about relating to something that another feels or that happened to them, it's actually feeling the other's emotion, gives me a sense of connection.

2 - Not too much empathy though, or thoughts get clouded.

3 - On the other side of the coin, not too judgemental, but a bit of judgement to let me know who and what is worth it or not.

4 - My intuition is mostly crap, so learning from my mistakes and experiences :lol:

5 - First impressions don't mean shit.

6 - Money is a tool, a means to an end, not the end goal.

7 - Nazis suck -understatement, anyone remember? - and are totally punchable. (should go unnamed, but since this is the times we're living...)

8 - Nature is the supreme ruler of the planet, we're just her minions. There is no superiority of man over nature, that's a delusion, we'll all eventually die and nature shall continue even if just stardust.

9 - People are good and bad, always in between.

10 - The internet is full of crap, I always try to take the best out of a boatload of misinformation, even if it's just a laugh.

11 - I can find myself in tranquility.

I'm sure there are more.

Now, what about you mom6?
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by mom6 » Fri Aug 18, 2017 8:03 am

Oh, shit. Uhmmmmm....
1. My kids
2. My kids
3. Relationships (with all people, including yourself and your God or non-god).
3.I'll have to get back to you on that... :lol:
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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 18, 2017 8:17 am

:lol: Those are priorities :lol:
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by mom6 » Fri Aug 18, 2017 9:37 am

:lol:
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by Jemane » Fri Aug 18, 2017 4:02 pm

I think we have some responsibility for our actions depending on our mental state at the time. There are some who have severe mania who lose all insight and they have little responsibility whereas someone with hypomania and retaining some insight probably has more.
But it is all fairly grey.
Am I responsible for racking up a huge debt when I was manic one time? How much was the illness and how much was me who genuinely loves shopping for clothes and shoes? I don't know the answer. But I don't feel guilty about it. I apologised to my husband anyway for spending the money so I guess I didn't completely blame the illness.

I too lack self worth and self esteem (unless my mood is up and then I have self esteem in abundance!) maybe this makes me take responsibility for more than I should?
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by AvantGarde » Fri Aug 18, 2017 10:14 pm

Jemane wrote:I too lack self worth and self esteem (unless my mood is up and then I have self esteem in abundance!) maybe this makes me take responsibility for more than I should?


Good point. Maybe we feel guilty for liking ourselves... I know I do.
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by Jcs98910 » Mon Oct 16, 2017 3:15 pm

I read a book that is called infinite mind and it describes personal electromagnetic fields so we sometimes involuntarily react to the energy others put out. We are not responsible for reacting but we must hone our selves as to not vocalize the negative energy around us. But ultimately you are in control of your own faculties so you are responsible for your action. Internalize it long enough to find a positive outlet....I do Yoga
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