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Flick of the switch. Would you turn it off?

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by Blake's Poisontree » Sat Aug 27, 2016 10:06 am

I was watching a documentary by Stephen Fry (BBC) called "The secret life of a manic depressive". He was talking with different people about their BP experiences and if they had the option to turn their BP off, would they? Almost every day now I have a couple of minutes where I feel like screaming and digging my fingers into my chest so that I can rip my heart out, wishing it would just stop. It got me thinking, if I were given the option to just turn it off, would I? Part of me screams "Hell yeah!" and the other part runs away in panic. The last time I was "normal" was when I was about 11-12 years old and I have been living with my BP for more than 30 years. If it just disappeared what will I do? Who will I be? Would my life have any meaning? Am I reborn, a brand new human being? I can't recall what it feels like to be "normal", I am not so sure I would want that now. Actually, the idea frightens me. It would be like erasing a huge part of myself and replacing it with a stranger, someone that sees the world differently, act differently, someone that is not me.

I want to scream and rip my heart out but I don't want it to stop. What would you do?
I don't have a God complex, God is not this complex.
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by AvantGarde » Sat Aug 27, 2016 11:06 am

Though question. Would it just be the BP part of my illnesses though? Then no. It's the best part :lol:

just keeding.

If I could, and all the diagnoses I have had to go, then I would.

But we can't... So we need to scream at it sometimes, kick ourselves a bit, regain composture and keep going.

It's tough but we're here for each other if needed.
I had a rough couple of days, and today was better. Wasn't perfect, but was a little bit better, so I give thanks to my mind for being kind to me today :D
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by Polrus » Sat Aug 27, 2016 11:29 am

Blake, would I just switch off the disease or would I lose my creativity, my insights, my intelligence? I think it will all depend on that factor - what exactly do I lose? What is bipolar and what is mine.

I think my answer is obvious, take the disease, please fucking take the disease, but don't dare touch my fringe benefits.
Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires.

Macbeth
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by Duckysmom » Sat Aug 27, 2016 11:46 am

Pol, I'm with you!
"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one."
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by Polrus » Sat Aug 27, 2016 12:01 pm

I was just thinking about it and it occurs to me that flicking the switch is a lot like ect. You risk losing who you are in the hopes of getting rid of the illness.

That's a crap shoot basically. I've known people who are essentially happy zombies, then there's also those who remain intact, but get minimal results on the cure.

Anyone like to gamble with their heads? Flick the switch - bzzt - see what comes out the other side?
Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires.

Macbeth
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by hal » Sat Aug 27, 2016 1:56 pm

At age 75, it's a little late for me to accept such an offer. But I wouldn't anyway. I like myself as I have been.
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by djuno » Thu Sep 01, 2016 5:15 pm

as others earlier have said, we are the sum of our experiences. Eliminating one of your scars, even an unsightly one, thus makes you less you. plus, would it include all the memories of stuff you did on Manic episodes? Because some of my greatest intellectual insights were because of those, so it is a tough switch to flip considering those could be at stake.
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by Lovehope » Thu Sep 01, 2016 6:56 pm

Well, as I'm sitting here having spiritual revelations out the ass I would say no, I wouldn't turn it off. But I also just picked a fight with my husband and we wasted 45 minutes getting down to the bottom of it which is just that I'm in an upswing and I'm feeling a need to GO GO GO. So do I wish my relationships were easier and do I wish it was easier to manage a 9-5 job and I could sleep better and concentrate more and blah blah blah? Yeah, I do. But I also wouldn't take away all that I've learned or understand because my mind is on overtime. My husband told me I've got an option to change my meds and live like everyone else.. on a pretty even keel or learn to ride the waves in a healthy way. I chose the latter. I say that tonight though. When I'm down I'm sure I'd be answering this thread differently.

Oy sorry for the rambling, thoughts are everywhere. I know what I'm trying to say but ya know it all comes out too fast
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by djuno » Fri Sep 02, 2016 5:28 pm

Makes me wonder if Daredevil is bipolar cause we are totally describing being a superhero lol
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by Jemane » Fri Sep 02, 2016 5:40 pm

I'd switch it off for sure.
I just want to have a stable mood and get off my meds.
Unfortunately I think I'm on meds for life.
Bipolar is a horrible illness.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
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