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Custody Issues

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by Giggles1023 » Mon Jan 02, 2017 9:04 am

Has anyone been through a custody battle?
I really hate court rooms and don't have money for an attorney but I'm having issues with the father of my child. He wanted to work things out but he was too volatile and unstable to live with, so I kicked him out of my apartment we were living in together. I told him we could do therapy but we have to live separately for my child's sake. He has half heartedly agreed to that...but he is trying to punish me for kicking him out and put this all on me. He intentionally won't help me out with the baby (unless he feels like it) to punish me . I asked him if he could come over to watch the baby to give me a break and so I could run some errands and do stuff I NEEDED to do, and he refused because he says "Hey you wanted to know what being a single parent is like." Even single parents get help from other people! I ended up taking the baby on my errands with me, which I can do but it's not ideal b/c where I live it's very cold and a huge hassle if I could just get help. My parents aren't much help either and I'd hire a babysitter to help me but I'm pretty broke at the moment.
I want him to be in his child's life and do need some help .. I know I can't do this 100% on my own, that's just not fair to me. But i also don't trust him to follow a visitation schedule. I let him take the baby on his own one day and he wasn't back for like 6-8hours which is too long in my opinion. He's just too inconsistent. I am at a loss as to what to do.
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by Mocha » Tue Jan 03, 2017 3:03 am


Giggles, I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this.....having to put up with this asshole.
He's such a little bitch for the way he's treating you......always has been. You and the baby deserve better.

I know what I would do, but of course It's probably not what you want to do. I wouldn't ask him for a damn thing. Yes, you can be a single mom. Women do it all the time. Would it be easy? Hell no, but you can do it. No one said it was fair, but it is your child, you're all he has.

I wouldn't let that man take my child off anywhere. He's not trustworthy and would do anything to hurt and get back at you.

And why would you want a man like that in your child's life? Do you honestly think he cares about your kid? Really? I honestly don't think your child is safe around him. You either.

Btw, who's last name is on the baby's birth certificate? Your's or his?
I hope it's your's since you guys weren't married, thank god.
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by mom6 » Tue Jan 03, 2017 3:28 am

4 18 years my husband would not lift a finger to help me raise my 6 kids. Yes, had to take them to pick up a gallon of milk to anyone's doctor appointment and to the grocery store. I did get to be a stay-at-home mom. Out of curiosity? Why do you want this man who punishes you to be in your child's life? Do you believe that he will not do the same thing to your child? Ask the local churches if anyone could help a single mom with errands and childcare for free. Call your local high school and ask if you can post a volunteer opportunity on their bulletin board. It would be good volunteer hours for someone who needs them them. Often kids have to complete a certain amount to graduate. We have what is called and Economic Opportunity office here. It helps with things like clothing rent Heat and child care money. It is separate from Medicaid. See if you have something like that in your area. They may help you with child care money. I do not know if you are in the United States but if you are, I hope you are on WIC. That may help free up some money. You will get through this. It will be ok. Just take one day at a time. One problem at a Time. If you need a lawyer, go to your local courthouse and ask the clerk what to do when you need a lawyer but are too poor to get one. Most will do some pro bono work. Babys daddy sounds like he would do something to your child to punish you. That is a lot of pressure. Single motherhood is a lot of pressure. I would drop whatever pressures I could so you do not trigger a Mania. Don't forget to reward yourself for being such a good mom with lots of snuggles from baby.
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by Giggles1023 » Tue Jan 03, 2017 12:19 pm

You are definitely right about it triggering a mania. I feel pressure and just want to drink. I am poor because I took unpaid time off, but unfortunately I am not considered low income so it's going to be hard to get help for anything. I looked into WIC and don't qualify. I should file for child support but I'm afraid if I do that then he'll retaliate by making me go to court and again I don't have money for a lawyer. Ugh. I know I talk a lot of crap about him but he does want to be in his child's life and very much cares (in his own way). I sorta take pity on him because I'm pretty sure he's bipolar too but refuses treatment. I am concerned for when the child gets older for his safety & well-being and he definitely won't leave me alone or let me get away with cutting him off completely, he would definitely take me to court then. I do like the idea of finding a high school volunteer. I'm going to see a financial counselor and hoping they can help me set up a strict budget. He has been helping me with paying for daycare and other expenses, but still not as much as he should or could. It will get better hopefully during taxes and this summer when I can work extra hours.
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by mom6 » Tue Jan 03, 2017 12:30 pm

Did you mean that?
Giggles1023 wrote: I am concerned for when the child gets older for his safety & well-being .

You mean your baby's safety? Or your ex?
Cause one is your responsibility and one isn't.
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by Giggles1023 » Tue Jan 03, 2017 7:29 pm

I mean my baby's. Right now he loves the baby and I don't think he would do anything because he's precious..but just imagine what he might do when our child is old enough to talk and really push his buttons..that's what I'm worried about. I can't keep him away from his child either, he won't let me..
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by mom6 » Wed Jan 04, 2017 2:45 am

Is what women's shelters are for. Can you imagine how you would feel if that really would happen? If he is like that who is to say he won't shake the baby?
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by Mocha » Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:49 am

giggles, you know I know the history of your relationship with this man....none of it very good I'm afraid. I know he can't deal with stress of any kind. And a baby and a small child is a lot of stress. He's always refused therapy and managed to get out of it one way or another. Do you expect him to change now?

Btw......you were working as a school teacher......couldn't you have gotten FMLA? that would have gotten you long enough to get back on your feet before you would have had to go back to work. I know some companies offer paid leave.

Have you gone back to work now? Or are you planning to do so soon? I know you're an awesome teacher, worked with disabled kids I think?

and what you said about your baby's sperm donor possibly having BP. Who cares. that has nothing to do with his unacceptable behaviour.....his acting like a controlling ass. He just wants his own way, doesn't care if he hurts you or his child. Until you see that nothing will change. He may act like he cares, but knowing what I know about him........who knows for sure.

If he really cared, he would change his ways, and there's no sign of that.....even after all these years.
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by Giggles1023 » Wed Jan 04, 2017 4:47 pm

You're right Mocha. BP is not an excuse, and thank you for the compliment. Not disabled, but those children that are learning English whose parents speak Spanish or another language at home.
My company sucks and wouldn't let me take more than 6 weeks paid.. I took 12 weeks off total because of FMLA and so I got paid for the first 6 and then I had to take the last 6 unpaid but I took 12 being BP and all I wanted to make sure I got used to motherhood before rushing back to work. I just went back to work a month ago.
I have my own place and he isn't stalking me so a shelter isn't necessary, and if I don't cooperate he probably will take me to court so I have to at least set up a visitation schedule. He could use that against me in court if I keep the child from him..fathers (even shitty ones) get all kinds of rights these days.
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by Pancake » Wed Jan 04, 2017 10:44 pm

Hey giggles,
Whatever else you do, make sure you keep records of everything in case you do one day end up in court. If you have things written down, it's going to carry more weight than he said-she said.

I'm sorry it must be a really difficult situation for you.
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by Mocha » Thu Jan 05, 2017 1:00 am

Pancake wrote:Hey giggles,
Whatever else you do, make sure you keep records of everything in case you do one day end up in court. If you have things written down, it's going to carry more weight than he said-she said.

Giggles, Pan couldn't be more right. Keep records of everything. Document everything he does. That's your ammunition for you and the baby.

And I'm truly sorry you're having to deal with all of this also.
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by Giggles1023 » Thu Jan 05, 2017 10:02 am

Thank you guys. I have a feeling he won't take me to court just yet because he has nothing on me , there are no grounds to take the child away from me. Also I'm sure he doesn't want to pay and he knows he would lose.
But I do know if I intentionally kept the baby from him then he would take me..that's why I sorta have to work with him.
And as for your comment about all of these years Mocha..sadly..he is 31 and I am the first person in his life to ever tell him what he is doing is wrong. I've only known him for 2 years but since this is the first time anybody has pointed that out to him there is little hope for change at his age, in my opinion. This type of stuff needs to be caught at a younger age.
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by Mocha » Thu Jan 05, 2017 8:29 pm

Giggles1023 wrote:And as for your comment about all of these years Mocha..sadly..he is 31 and I am the first person in his life to ever tell him what he is doing is wrong. I've only known him for 2 years but since this is the first time anybody has pointed that out to him there is little hope for change at his age, in my opinion. This type of stuff needs to be caught at a younger age.

oh god, that's so sad.........he was a spoiled brat, eh?

People can always change though, and 31 is very young. I agree though......that's a lot of ingrained behaviour. He would really have to want to change.
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by Giggles1023 » Fri Jan 06, 2017 4:59 pm

Yes! His mother enables him in the worst possible way. They went out drinking together when I was like 38 weeks pregnant and could've gone into labor at any time..did they care...nope. It's best to catch these behaviors as children so they don't have to play catch up in their 20's and 30's and even later. God I hope my child doesn't pick up his shit.
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