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Back to a pdoc after quite the hiatus...

Talk about meds, side effects, and the 'med-go-round'.

by Jemane » Tue Sep 12, 2017 11:10 pm

Glad it went well. My pdoc likes talking sex too. At first I wasn't sure about it but then I realised it was actually really helpful talking about something that is a big part of life but you hardly ever get to debrief about.
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by Dubious66 » Wed Sep 13, 2017 6:12 pm

I actually think I might be more comfortable with the sex but there's not a lot of mystery there. It is, however, a pretty big source of guilt. Trust me it is well-deserved guilt. That may someday be an area to explore - moving beyond the guilt without abdicating responsibility. Harrumph...
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by Mocha » Wed Sep 13, 2017 8:44 pm

I'm the opposite re: talking sex with tdoc/pdoc. We've talked about the hypersexuality as a symptom of bp and what a slut I was but that's pretty much it...... it was what it was, and I don't feel guilty about any of it, so what's to talk about, yanno?

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by AvantGarde » Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:46 pm

Dubious66 wrote:That may someday be an area to explore - moving beyond the guilt without abdicating responsibility.


It's what I do and preach. It would be easier to let go and say we are not responsible, but the guilt is still there wether we feel we're responsible or not, or wether we're indeed responsible or not. What I do think is, by accepting responsibility now we're just taking a step forward in having a better grip of our emotions in the future. Of course, like my friend told me, if we do fail, the guilt will be ten fold.
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by Dubious66 » Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:58 pm

Forewarning: hypersexuality content below

Mocha wrote:I'm the opposite re: talking sex with tdoc/pdoc. We've talked about the hypersexuality as a symptom of bp and what a slut I was but that's pretty much it...... it was what it was, and I don't feel guilty about any of it, so what's to talk about, yanno?



That's how the topic initially came up. I was talking about my early indicators of an "episode." Increased interest and, yep, sluttiness, is one for me. When the ride has picked up speed, it has gone beyond that to whole different levels. More sex is one thing. Sex with strangers, sometimes not speaking the same language, is another. Sex with those who ordinarily I might find offensive another. Sex with someone who shoukd be on the "never touch" list but consensual is a whole different thing. First two levels - I don't have guilt about. Frankly, often, those encounters have just been pretty darn enjoyable. Third level causes some embarrassment. Fourth level is what I have the toughest time with. That only happened once 30 years ago and I truly had no idea what I was experiencing. As an aside, I have an explanation, not excuse, for what I did, but what about him? Can I be mad at him? I talked about the sex being consensual, but sometimes I wonder if I was able to consent. My thinking was fucked. My body was messed up. My world was fucked but he knew what he was doing. I have never allowed myself to get there again. After that I had years of self-imposed abstinence as a kind of penance for that violation of trust. Guilt to this day. Well, there we go. Talked about. Check. Back in the guilt and shame vault.

Wait. I was already kind of flying but I was given steroids for mono (yep mania and mono...hmmm...causal? Slightly manic, okay moderately+ manic and then mono came. Another kind of contradiction.) I think that may be the first time steroids at least contributed to an acceleration.

This is what I woke up for? Back to try to go back to sleep. (Yep, I know I violated the no blue light rule when having trouble sleeping. Uugh!!! Self slap.)
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by Dubious66 » Fri Sep 15, 2017 12:30 pm

How the heck am I supposed cut these darn 100mg into halves, much less quarters?! Confused... (yes, I know they make magical contraptions for such things but really? Would it be so hard to put a cut line like just about every other tablet med out there?) Oh well, after my rambling night two nights ago (I think there is even a post in this thread from then), I finally slept last night. Fingers crossed that that is a sign that the dream fairies are done being mad at me...

Getting on a plane, shifting time zones ought to help, eh? :roll:
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by Mocha » Fri Sep 15, 2017 12:58 pm

pill spilter (sp?) my dear..... :) ....and they're cheap as hell.....They'll work even if the tablet isn't scored.

Btw. why didn't doc order you different doses/pills? something to talk to him about?

..
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by Dubious66 » Fri Sep 15, 2017 1:02 pm

His subtle way of telling me he wants me upping by a 100 for my doses? ;)

We'll chat on Tuesday...
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by Mocha » Fri Sep 15, 2017 9:43 pm

Dubious66 wrote:His subtle way of telling me he wants me upping by a 100 for my doses? ;)

ohh....... :lol:

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by Dubious66 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:59 am

Dubious66 wrote:Fingers crossed that that is a sign that the dream fairies are done being mad at me...

Getting on a plane, shifting time zones ought to help, eh? :roll:


Frickin' dream frairies! 3:30 am this time or 2:30 my time, either way, it seems they are still cold shouldering me.... what did I ever do to them? ;)
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by AvantGarde » Sat Sep 16, 2017 1:04 am

Ah, you can never trust fairies. Trust the Scottish.
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by Mocha » Sat Sep 16, 2017 2:34 am

Dubious66 wrote:. Getting on a plane, shifting time zones ought to help, eh? :roll:

:?: ......literally? or? where are you going?...if literally?

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by Dubious66 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 5:15 am

AvantGarde wrote:Ah, you can never trust fairies. Trust the Scottish.


I did spend a lot of time with Hume in grad school and I think Robert Louis Stevenson could be the pagan saint of people with bipolar. ;)

Mocha wrote:
Dubious66 wrote:. Getting on a plane, shifting time zones ought to help, eh? :roll:

:?: ......literally? or? where are you going?...if literally?



Headed back to the homestead for a nephew's wedding. He actually got married in my mom's living room back in December for a number of reasons, including he wasn't sure Grandma would make it to September. He also adopted his wife's two little girls in July, so my mom got to see him settled and happy. This is really a public (re)commitment that has already been made and a celebration of not just their marriage but their family. Don't tell, but he is my favorite nephew and seeing him creating a beautiful life warms my heart and somehow let's me know that he is "okay." He's made it and doesn't "need" me anymore. That's...calming? Reassuring? Something...

If I get 3-4 hours of sleep and then a few hours later doze for an hour, does that count as 5? That's my target (7 is pdoc's, but that seems excessive right now.)

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by Dubious66 » Tue Sep 19, 2017 6:54 pm

Pdoc appointment left me...confused? What am I doing?
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by hal » Tue Sep 19, 2017 7:53 pm

Damn! What happened?
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by Jemane » Tue Sep 19, 2017 11:26 pm

What happened dub? Everything ok?
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