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Back to a pdoc after quite the hiatus...

Talk about meds, side effects, and the 'med-go-round'.

by Jemane » Tue Sep 12, 2017 11:10 pm

Glad it went well. My pdoc likes talking sex too. At first I wasn't sure about it but then I realised it was actually really helpful talking about something that is a big part of life but you hardly ever get to debrief about.
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by dubious66 » Wed Sep 13, 2017 6:12 pm

I actually think I might be more comfortable with the sex but there's not a lot of mystery there. It is, however, a pretty big source of guilt. Trust me it is well-deserved guilt. That may someday be an area to explore - moving beyond the guilt without abdicating responsibility. Harrumph...
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by Mocha » Wed Sep 13, 2017 8:44 pm

I'm the opposite re: talking sex with tdoc/pdoc. We've talked about the hypersexuality as a symptom of bp and what a slut I was but that's pretty much it...... it was what it was, and I don't feel guilty about any of it, so what's to talk about, yanno?

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by AvantGarde » Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:46 pm

Dubious66 wrote:That may someday be an area to explore - moving beyond the guilt without abdicating responsibility.


It's what I do and preach. It would be easier to let go and say we are not responsible, but the guilt is still there wether we feel we're responsible or not, or wether we're indeed responsible or not. What I do think is, by accepting responsibility now we're just taking a step forward in having a better grip of our emotions in the future. Of course, like my friend told me, if we do fail, the guilt will be ten fold.
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by dubious66 » Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:58 pm

Forewarning: hypersexuality content below

Mocha wrote:I'm the opposite re: talking sex with tdoc/pdoc. We've talked about the hypersexuality as a symptom of bp and what a slut I was but that's pretty much it...... it was what it was, and I don't feel guilty about any of it, so what's to talk about, yanno?



That's how the topic initially came up. I was talking about my early indicators of an "episode." Increased interest and, yep, sluttiness, is one for me. When the ride has picked up speed, it has gone beyond that to whole different levels. More sex is one thing. Sex with strangers, sometimes not speaking the same language, is another. Sex with those who ordinarily I might find offensive another. Sex with someone who shoukd be on the "never touch" list but consensual is a whole different thing. First two levels - I don't have guilt about. Frankly, often, those encounters have just been pretty darn enjoyable. Third level causes some embarrassment. Fourth level is what I have the toughest time with. That only happened once 30 years ago and I truly had no idea what I was experiencing. As an aside, I have an explanation, not excuse, for what I did, but what about him? Can I be mad at him? I talked about the sex being consensual, but sometimes I wonder if I was able to consent. My thinking was fucked. My body was messed up. My world was fucked but he knew what he was doing. I have never allowed myself to get there again. After that I had years of self-imposed abstinence as a kind of penance for that violation of trust. Guilt to this day. Well, there we go. Talked about. Check. Back in the guilt and shame vault.

Wait. I was already kind of flying but I was given steroids for mono (yep mania and mono...hmmm...causal? Slightly manic, okay moderately+ manic and then mono came. Another kind of contradiction.) I think that may be the first time steroids at least contributed to an acceleration.

This is what I woke up for? Back to try to go back to sleep. (Yep, I know I violated the no blue light rule when having trouble sleeping. Uugh!!! Self slap.)
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by dubious66 » Fri Sep 15, 2017 12:30 pm

How the heck am I supposed cut these darn 100mg into halves, much less quarters?! Confused... (yes, I know they make magical contraptions for such things but really? Would it be so hard to put a cut line like just about every other tablet med out there?) Oh well, after my rambling night two nights ago (I think there is even a post in this thread from then), I finally slept last night. Fingers crossed that that is a sign that the dream fairies are done being mad at me...

Getting on a plane, shifting time zones ought to help, eh? :roll:
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by Mocha » Fri Sep 15, 2017 12:58 pm

pill spilter (sp?) my dear..... :) ....and they're cheap as hell.....They'll work even if the tablet isn't scored.

Btw. why didn't doc order you different doses/pills? something to talk to him about?

..
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by dubious66 » Fri Sep 15, 2017 1:02 pm

His subtle way of telling me he wants me upping by a 100 for my doses? ;)

We'll chat on Tuesday...
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by Mocha » Fri Sep 15, 2017 9:43 pm

Dubious66 wrote:His subtle way of telling me he wants me upping by a 100 for my doses? ;)

ohh....... :lol:

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by dubious66 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:59 am

Dubious66 wrote:Fingers crossed that that is a sign that the dream fairies are done being mad at me...

Getting on a plane, shifting time zones ought to help, eh? :roll:


Frickin' dream frairies! 3:30 am this time or 2:30 my time, either way, it seems they are still cold shouldering me.... what did I ever do to them? ;)
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by AvantGarde » Sat Sep 16, 2017 1:04 am

Ah, you can never trust fairies. Trust the Scottish.
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by Mocha » Sat Sep 16, 2017 2:34 am

Dubious66 wrote:. Getting on a plane, shifting time zones ought to help, eh? :roll:

:?: ......literally? or? where are you going?...if literally?

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by dubious66 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 5:15 am

AvantGarde wrote:Ah, you can never trust fairies. Trust the Scottish.


I did spend a lot of time with Hume in grad school and I think Robert Louis Stevenson could be the pagan saint of people with bipolar. ;)

Mocha wrote:
Dubious66 wrote:. Getting on a plane, shifting time zones ought to help, eh? :roll:

:?: ......literally? or? where are you going?...if literally?



Headed back to the homestead for a nephew's wedding. He actually got married in my mom's living room back in December for a number of reasons, including he wasn't sure Grandma would make it to September. He also adopted his wife's two little girls in July, so my mom got to see him settled and happy. This is really a public (re)commitment that has already been made and a celebration of not just their marriage but their family. Don't tell, but he is my favorite nephew and seeing him creating a beautiful life warms my heart and somehow let's me know that he is "okay." He's made it and doesn't "need" me anymore. That's...calming? Reassuring? Something...

If I get 3-4 hours of sleep and then a few hours later doze for an hour, does that count as 5? That's my target (7 is pdoc's, but that seems excessive right now.)

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by dubious66 » Tue Sep 19, 2017 6:54 pm

Pdoc appointment left me...confused? What am I doing?
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by hal » Tue Sep 19, 2017 7:53 pm

Damn! What happened?
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
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by Jemane » Tue Sep 19, 2017 11:26 pm

What happened dub? Everything ok?
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by dubious66 » Wed Sep 20, 2017 1:56 am

hal wrote:Damn! What happened?

Jemane wrote:What happened dub? Everything ok?


Not sure exactly. I think he was suggesting hospitalization, which seems extreme. He said he was questioning what he told me last week about never forcing me. The combination of the supposed mix state and history of true extremes makes him think I am getting /going to get worse. Hard to predict. For me, hard to believe I could really be creating this again after so much time. He wants more meds.

He made me feel...not safe with him?

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by AvantGarde » Wed Sep 20, 2017 2:57 am

It does seem extreme. Do you feel you're at risk? Sometimes we're not the best to judge our own states. Hope it's just precaution on his end.

At least you weren't taken to the hospital right there, so it might just be him worried. A lot did happen to you lately, any person would be in pain. We're just in a more vulnerable percentile and they need to be careful, they're usually the ones responsible for us adults.
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by Mocha » Wed Sep 20, 2017 5:19 am

I wasn't there, dub....so can't say for sure.....but it seems you're just doubting yourself. Maybe he's suggesting you try more meds for now. Especially since he didn't push the hospital issue on you. Seems if he had wanted you to go in hospital he would have said so outright. And he didn't, did he?

From everything you told us about your pdoc, I think you can trust him. And I don't come to that conclusion lightly. So follow his advice and try the increase in meds. Who knows......they might just do the do the trick.

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by dubious66 » Wed Sep 20, 2017 6:44 am

Mocha wrote:Maybe he's suggesting you try more meds for now. Especially since he didn't push the hospital issue on you. Seems if he had wanted you to go in hospital he would have said so outright. And he didn't, did he?


You are probably right. I tend to get a bit like a feral cat when I sense even cage consideration. His telling me he was second guessing his promise and asking how I managed to get out of the police visit(s) in the past were triggers for me. Perhaps a bit paranoid. Another symptom but still on this side of psychosis? ;)

AG, I am the only one I want responsible for me. I don't want someone I've known for a few hours to ever get to override me, unless, of course, I pose a threat to someone else. Up to now, that's worked okay for me.

Headed to work, hoping I will be able to put this to rest. Wasnt looking for more issues to juggle in this fucked up brain of mine...
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by AvantGarde » Wed Sep 20, 2017 6:50 am

Dubious66 wrote:unless, of course, I pose a threat to someone else.


And to yourself. Sometimes we're just not aware. I actually think it's good of him to check if that's an option.

I get it though, hospital is a big no-no for me, but so far I've only had to experience it once and hopefully never again.

Don't mean to bring you down with this, just for some clarity of thought.
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by dubious66 » Wed Sep 20, 2017 7:45 am

AvantGarde wrote:
Dubious66 wrote:unless, of course, I pose a threat to someone else.


And to yourself.


On this, we may have to agree to politely and respectfully disagree. :) Unless we have a prior agreement in place on how to handle, I am still siding on self-determination. For me, it's too much of a slippery slope. I leave the rest of my philosophical thought for another time. I am working off of about 3ish hours of sleep. Doubt my articulation skills are up to a philosophical debate right now ;_

Appreciate your thinking AG
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by AvantGarde » Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:18 am

Ah, appreciate your thoughts too. Yes, we will have to politely disagree.
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by dubious66 » Thu Sep 21, 2017 8:23 pm

I found some old med docs. Saw that I was prescribed 800 mg of seroquel last major ride. Who knew? I didn't remember that at all. Guess this pdoc's push isn't...new. What else don't I remember? :?

Then again, there was some other stuff that wasn't quite right so maybe the dosage was wrong too...
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by Mocha » Thu Sep 21, 2017 8:34 pm

Could be. But from what you've said about this pdoc I kinda doubt he'll be pushing up to 800mg......

Btw, I don't remember a lot of things when I was crazy as hell....... :lol:

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