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What are your triggers? People, places, smells, or sounds? Have you learned how to set your boundaries? Or do you know what your boundaries are?

by laurak » Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:32 pm

Hey all,

It's been a little while. I like you all but had hoped for a longer run. I am throwing in a TRIGGER WARNING as I don't know where this will end or how much I'm even able to share.


So, about 5-6 months ago, I went off my meds. I ran out of money for insurance and am prone to believing my BP is not real. I weaned down and it went smooth. I was self-medicating with beer and weed. Money was tighter and I was stressed but I enrolled in school Fall semester too. Just to feel like I was moving forward. Thought it would help prevent depression. Work kept getting slower. Less and less hours. I used to work 90+ and was down to 65. I decided it would be cost effective to switch to whiskey and beer sometimes. Side note: then a close friend died un-expectantly. I am still grieving. Work picked up a little but I started to have conflict with my boss. Well, I have always had conflict with him but it was becoming palpable. I should explain that I have dysphoric mania. I'm can't sleep and I'm angry and depressed. This really sucks.


So, last week, my boss send something incredibly personally offensive. He kind of stepped into a hornet's nest. I'm not trying to play dramatic but I can't quite write about this yet.



Anyways, I am so confused. I get so angry I scare people. So, I have been fired. The psych ward. It's been since Friday but I am PTSD at every knock. The locks are changed at work. And they are bolted shut at my place.


I feel so harmless. Clearly, that's just me.


And I'm scared to go back in the County system. I don't trust anyone and barely want to speak. I feel like they will twist my words and hold it against me. I'm supposed to contact them by tomorrow. I'm going to. I just can't rid myself of this rage. It's so consuming. I had a therapist who said it was primitive...I looked it up to be sure exactly what she meant. It makes sense in light of my early experiences.

Sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening.

Laura
It is the little we can do
this small bravery of knowledge
and there is of course
madness and terror too...

--Bukowski
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by Lisa » Mon Nov 06, 2017 6:01 pm

Can you go to HR about what the boss did? Explain that it's created this reaction? It sounds like you are getting help soon, so hang in there laurak, you will get help and things will improve.

Ramble all you want and don't worry about us, we all pour out our souls at one point or another. Especially me LOL
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by laurak » Mon Nov 06, 2017 8:48 pm

Hi Lisa,

No. There is no HR. I worked for a small business and he is the owner. Besides, my anger made matters worse and I was reported to the police. I have been deemed a work place threat. My former boss is under threat assessment or so he says. The locks were changed at work and I picked up my belongings today. All my previous hospitalizations had been threat to self. This is much different. The custody was more hostile and traumatic. I didn't actually do or say anything directly. I called a long-time trusted friend who decided I needed to be back on medication and thought reporting me to the police would help accelerate the process. At this point, I am resistant of friends and medication. I don't trust anyone including myself. I don't mean that in a self harm way. I mean doing the right thing way. I have been trying to seek answers myself but am ready to admit I need help. I just need to have impute in my recovery. Not like this. But not just "In the system".
It is the little we can do
this small bravery of knowledge
and there is of course
madness and terror too...

--Bukowski
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by laurak » Mon Nov 06, 2017 8:50 pm

laurak wrote:Hi Lisa,

No. There is no HR. I worked for a small business and he is the owner. Besides, my anger made matters worse and I was reported to the police. I have been deemed a work place threat. My former boss is under threat assessment or so he says. The locks were changed at work and I picked up my belongings today. All my previous hospitalizations had been threat to self. This is much different. The custody was more hostile and traumatic. I didn't actually do or say anything directly. I called a long-time trusted friend who decided I needed to be back on medication and thought reporting me to the police would help accelerate the process. At this point, I am resistant of friends and medication. I don't trust anyone including myself. I don't mean that in a self harm way. I mean doing the right thing way. I have been trying to seek answers myself but am ready to admit I need help. I just need to have input in my recovery. Not like this. But not just "In the system".
It is the little we can do
this small bravery of knowledge
and there is of course
madness and terror too...

--Bukowski
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by AvantGarde » Mon Nov 06, 2017 10:08 pm

You need to get back on meds. You're a danger to yourself and others, right now you still have the upper hand, but that can go away.

Take care of yourself, laura.
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by laurak » Mon Nov 06, 2017 10:34 pm

I am going tomorrow to the County facility to talk. The meds were wrong last time. If they will hear me, I am willing to be open-minded. I do not agree with you. It was truly an unfortunate series of events. I am no threat. What if,....I get right here in my argument and my heart takes a certain twist. I know what I'm capable of and that's not it. But I have also experienced a lot of stigma and misdiagnosis. I was also institutionalized at a young age for things beyond my control. I have very good cause to be very very angry. I recognize I have specific issues but if this is gonna work, recovery I mean, my specific issues are gonna have to be addressed. I want to be very thorough this time. Maybe, I'm lucky. I'm trying to see this as an opportunity. But really it just is what it is.
It is the little we can do
this small bravery of knowledge
and there is of course
madness and terror too...

--Bukowski
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by AvantGarde » Mon Nov 06, 2017 10:57 pm

I'm glad you're looking for meds and help for your problems.

I'm just saying that a consuming rage that scares people and makes you feel harmless is not harmless, Laura, can in fact be dangerous. Rage has the ability to "blind" us temporarily if taken the wrong turn somewhere. A danger to yourself, not in a self harm way, but in doing something you'll regret once you're better.

I do understand you not wanting to be regarded as dangerous, and I don't think you are that much of a danger, but I do think there's a possibility, with all that's been happening, that with a short fuse you lose the ability to control yourself. It's one of those things of the better safe than sorry.

I was once regarded as dangerous, when unmedicated. I wasn't going to do anything, and it took me a long time to understand that I wasn't exactly peachy and sweet but in fact full of rage, and a bit dangerous really. I think if people are scared of you, you should take it seriously.
Genetically evolved chicken at your service

My therapist says I don't have crazy eyes

Never surrender your freedom of being to the veridict of those who are strangers to your inner workings
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by laurak » Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:49 pm

Hi AvantGarde,

Thank you for your clarification. I do understand. And I appreciate feeling listened to. I am having several issues. The first being my inability to communicate very well. I am articulate but I tend to just shut down. I just quit talking, interacting...it's not something I am able to overcome very well. I am really trying to open up right now. I recognize the danger I am in and capable of. But I don't have the heart for violence. But I was raised in it and know it well all the same. I think that it is important to address as a contribution to my particular situation. My real goal here is to find a way to open up a line of communication with people who have the same disorder who I may find a connection to keep me sane when all else fails as is happening now. I have been being institutionalized since I was 14. At what point does an insane environment create insanity. How do I stop the hatred I feel for that situation. For my life. And how does my disorder make it worse. Is there a way to try to treat with talk therapy and little meds. I understand some are necessary but not .... God, help me, I'm an atheist. I will go tomorrow but I am of little faith. And I'm sick of being a fuckin' guinea pig in a one size fits all county mental health system. Perhaps, I belong under "rants" now.
It is the little we can do
this small bravery of knowledge
and there is of course
madness and terror too...

--Bukowski
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by AvantGarde » Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:19 am

Maybe my experience can be of some help... Yesterday in therapy we were talking about an underlying belief I have that somehow I'm a bad person, tdoc was saying that she doesn't see it, as we brushed off the usual cliché that everyone makes mistakes yada yada, so we could focus on why I have that idea of myself. At the end of a very long rant of mine about my shortcomings, she just said that when a person deals with abusive situations all their life it's the rule of thumb that they are going to act out here and there and do what they were taught to, that the trick to get out of it is to become aware of behaviors and characteristics that lead us to perpetuate abusive behaviors we learned in life.

Like you, I grew up in an abusive environment and dealt with abuse for 95% of my life, so I do understand rage, believe me :lol: You just want to rip all their heads out because, fuck it, how dare they cross a line with you? But, there are plenty of ways to deal with shitty people and circunstances. Between them, one is to dwell in the misery of what we go through, another is to cave to the anger, and yet another is to take the high road and take care of ourselves the best way we can. I think you're doing the right thing, still you have a foot on the high road and another foot on the anger just in case the high road doesn't fall through... :lol: I get it, though.

I'm sure you'll be able to handle this perfectly, I really believe you can fight for yourself and be the best version of the person you are, and that's really all we can ask for.
Genetically evolved chicken at your service

My therapist says I don't have crazy eyes

Never surrender your freedom of being to the veridict of those who are strangers to your inner workings
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by Mocha » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:00 am

Hey, Laura.......I'm so happy to see you back on the board no matter what the reason. I've missed you.

And I can relate to parts of your post. Years and years ago I had severe/major medical problems used the same doctors/hospital, etc etc. got along with everyone, until they hired this new chick. The getting along ended there. Long story short, I got myself banned from the hospital and my doctors after I threatened the chick...I mean really threatened her......told her I would cut her up and that I knew where she lived.
She hired private security for a while.

No I wasn't medicated, unless you count booze/drugs.

I'm still surprised I wasn't arrested. I was sent to tdoc/pdoc instead. Best thing that could have happened.

Love you girl......
Not A Professional of Any Kind ~ Just Your Garden Variety Nutjob


I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.~

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by Lisa » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:15 am

AvantGarde wrote:But, there are plenty of ways to deal with shitty people and circumstances. Between them, one is to dwell in the misery of what we go through, another is to cave to the anger, and yet another is to take the high road and take care of ourselves the best way we can.


I think you summarized the issue perfectly, AG.
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by laurak » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:20 pm

Hey all,

So I didn't sleep well last night and slept today. Made it to school. The one thing I haven't fucked up yet. Tomorrow... I will pick up the pieces tomorrow.

@AvantGarde - Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It gave me food for thought. Honestly, I do understand my anger is self-destructive more than anything. And it is not my intention to scare people. I simply haven't learned to "rise above". I suppose that's a therapy issue.

@Mocha - Hey girl, Thank you for the support and your story. Yes, I made specific threats regarding a knife and my boss's neck. So I do relate. And there was booze involved. And police. And I know better than to go on the whiskey. Anyways, it's good to be back on the board.

Just laying low tonight. Feeling better than yesterday. Thank you for talking with me everybody.
It is the little we can do
this small bravery of knowledge
and there is of course
madness and terror too...

--Bukowski
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by Lisa » Wed Nov 08, 2017 8:56 am

laurak, good to see your keeping us updated =] Hang in there, tomorrow's a new dawn, a new day, and a new life for you.
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by Mocha » Wed Nov 08, 2017 9:59 am

laurak wrote:@Mocha - Hey girl, Thank you for the support and your story. Yes, I made specific threats regarding a knife and my boss's neck. So I do relate. And there was booze involved. And police. And I know better than to go on the whiskey. Anyways, it's good to be back on the board.

Hi again, Laura.....It's good to have you back.

The reason I shared my story is because I wanted you to know how it was for me when I was drinking and before I was on meds/in therapy. That was just one experience out of many. My life wasn't pretty to say the least, but things changed when I reached out for help and it can change for you.

Like AG said, the best thing you can do is fight for yourself. I've seen you do it before and I know you can do it again. You have us like always and you know we get it....warts and all...... :)

Not A Professional of Any Kind ~ Just Your Garden Variety Nutjob


I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.~

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by laurak » Wed Nov 08, 2017 1:46 pm

So...

I'm having trouble leaving the pad. A little paranoid. Spooked when people come to the door. The panic is painful, physically. So is the depression. I called a local college regarding low cost counseling. I want to talk to a therapist first. What if this is the PTSD and medication is avoidable? I may be fooling myself but if I don't address these doubts they will come back again. This needs to be the last time. I don't want to submit to cookie-cutter treatment unless absolutely necessary. I need to do this my way. It has occurred to me to stay open-minded though. Am I wrong? Yeah, I guess maybe I am. Fuck, that sucks. Okay. Gonna try to go before its too late. I just wish people knew how hard I try.
It is the little we can do
this small bravery of knowledge
and there is of course
madness and terror too...

--Bukowski
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by Mocha » Wed Nov 08, 2017 4:07 pm

Good for you on the counseling.....that's a big step, Laura.... :)

laurak wrote: I just wish people knew how hard I try.

I do know how hard you try.....love and hugs.....

Not A Professional of Any Kind ~ Just Your Garden Variety Nutjob


I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

~Martin Luther King, Jr.~

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by Lisa » Sun Nov 12, 2017 8:17 am

laurak wrote:So...

I'm having trouble leaving the pad. A little paranoid. Spooked when people come to the door. The panic is painful, physically. So is the depression. I called a local college regarding low cost counseling. I want to talk to a therapist first. What if this is the PTSD and medication is avoidable? I may be fooling myself but if I don't address these doubts they will come back again. This needs to be the last time. I don't want to submit to cookie-cutter treatment unless absolutely necessary. I need to do this my way. It has occurred to me to stay open-minded though. Am I wrong? Yeah, I guess maybe I am. Fuck, that sucks. Okay. Gonna try to go before its too late. I just wish people knew how hard I try.


I hope you're getting the care you need and this paranoia has left you <3
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by laurak » Mon Nov 13, 2017 10:31 pm

Hey Lisa,

Thank you for checking in with me. I am doing better. I am still mostly at home. But I leave as needed without severe paranoia. I'm looking for a tdoc and finally getting somewhere there. I will keep you updated. No whiskey. Part of me is also thinking about navigating the county system again. I'm a bit depressed but it is significantly less physically painful. I may need meds. I'm able to take a little time right now to figure this out. Still some residual PTSD issues but I know I need to start finding someone to help me a bit here. A little better each day though which is good enough for now.
It is the little we can do
this small bravery of knowledge
and there is of course
madness and terror too...

--Bukowski
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by laurak » Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:10 pm

Hi all,

I have been pretty mellow lately. I found a therapist who I'm seeing still. It's cool but really doesn't relieve my symptoms. I understand its a process and am not quitting that. However, I made the decision last week to return to the county for medication. I have been interviewed and assessed and for my third appointment this Friday I see the psychiatrist. I am glad I was able to wait until I was calm enough to advocate for myself. I am hoping to return to my old medicine regiment and maybe add some anti-anxiety medication. I am opposed to mood stabilizers. I simply in my life have never experienced non-drug induced mania or anything like it, though the last 5 county psychiatrists insist my condition is bipolar (NOS). It doesn't feel right. I am willing to be med-compliant because I need help but it frustrates me. I will remain open-minded.


This brings up another issue, I'm not sure it's appropriate for me to be on this board. Obviously, if I don't have bipolar wtf am I doing here? I don't know. Navigating the mental health field has been a difficult process and maybe the psychiatrist says something that resonates on Friday. I wanted to post one last time to thank everyone who has responded and been supportive of my situation. I appreciate the kindness greatly. I believe there is a certain connection when dealing with mental health issues. Even if it's not the same condition, many of the symptoms are similar, and they all make our lives more difficult. I have appreciated the thoughts, insights and advice. I wish I was able to participate more but I really can't. I feel like a fraud. I have read some of your stories and relate to a point but something ain't right. That said, nobody on this board has treated me with anything but kindness and empathy. Concern and help. For that I thank you. I wish you all success in your recovery.

Mocha- You are simply the shit. I admire the tireless service you provide and know from personal experience the great comfort this board can provide. You are a hero of mine. Just for being you and what you do and keeping this board available. My hat is truly off to you. You're awesome. Thank you.

Hats off to the moderators too!

I wish you all the best. Thank you again.

Laura
It is the little we can do
this small bravery of knowledge
and there is of course
madness and terror too...

--Bukowski
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