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Oddly unsure about recent one

What are your triggers? People, places, smells, or sounds? Have you learned how to set your boundaries? Or do you know what your boundaries are?

by OnTheMend » Tue Jun 27, 2017 11:33 am

My wife has been disinterested in affection for quite some time. I am not just talking about sex; also short pursed lip single kisses, hugs with awkward body posture and no snuggling. We have not shared a bed in years, but she isn't even up for sitting close on the couch. I was holding out hope because she said it seemed to change with menopause and it may get better post menopause.

Then a few weeks ago she absolutely crushed me with her new version of the last time we made love seven years ago. Yeah, that long. My self esteem is in the toilet. I have actually been loyal. That may change after the recent event.
Anyway, it had been a while and she surprised me by bringing it up (so to speak :D ) out of the blue; I did ask about desire rekindling from time to time but had not recently. When the kids were in bed, she came out of our bathroom already undressed and told me I was overdressed. I was ecstatic; I felt desired, which I wanted as much or more as I wanted what was happening.
Things did happen and were right in the middle of "it" when we were interrupted by a knock at the door, but it was a question that could be handled through the door. I listened for a minute to be sure we had privacy again. She said it put her out of the mood and we would have to try again at a later date. That never happened.

Recently, I asked very generally about whether she wanted affection. She said she did not and one reason was that she was still traumatized. She said she gave in under pressure the last time and it felt like rape. I was devastated. She didn't say it wasn't enjoyable or painful at the time. As time passed and it became more obvious "later" wasn't going to be anytime soon, the story I got was the desire came and went, so maybe it will come back to stay.
Now suddenly it was like a violent crime. I asked if she knew how much that word choice would affect me and if she really meant to use that term. She said she did.

OK, I vented and shared a bit more than I planned. the point of this was I hit rock bottom for about 2 weeks. But I am not sure it triggered BP depression or if I was just sad and depressed like I would expect almost anyone in my position to be. Normally my swings seem to be somewhat random. I have even had some really poorly timed hypomania that made it difficult for me not to smile and crack jokes when there was a somber situation.
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by Spm24 » Tue Jun 27, 2017 12:49 pm

On the mend,

That's a tough situation all around. Not sure how I would handle it. It would surely affect my mood...
Snowflakes gently floating from the sky just dusting the ground. Then it picks up bigger fatter flakes cascading from space at a faster rate. From a dusting to a trace. Then the deluge comes. Oh what joy. Watching everything slow to a crawl, then a stop. Step outside and even with things moving it is quiet. It is a giant muffler the earth is wearing. Causing everything to be muted.To be calm.
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by hal » Tue Jun 27, 2017 6:03 pm

OTM, is this a memory or a recent experience? You're right, it would make anybody feel beat down, but maybe questionable whether it was BP depression.
. . . all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone.
-- Tennyson
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by OnTheMend » Tue Jun 27, 2017 7:28 pm

hal wrote:OTM, is this a memory or a recent experience? You're right, it would make anybody feel beat down, but maybe questionable whether it was BP depression.

It was very recently that she came up with this new narrative about the last time we made love, which was over seven years ago. The way I remember it, she initiated it, which was very rare and made me feel really good about myself. When she cut it short, I had every reason to believe that her desire for me had been rekindled and we would "reconvene" in a few days. I even dared to think it was going to become a regular thing again.
Without going into too much detail, when we were interrupted I had not yet arrived at the happy place but she had already made a couple of round trips. It absolutely did not seem like she felt pressured into it and was "performing a duty". Had she truly felt duty bound, she would have continued for my sake. I didn't have an issue with it as we did cuddle, gaze and talk like soul mates for a while. I *really* miss that.

I have run this over and over in my mind since her recent statement. It was a very significant event in our relationship to me and I feel certain I have the details right. Up until a few weeks ago, the few times she talked about it pretty much matched up, though she did not find it as significant and said I based too much of our relationship on sex. I did not point out the irony of that statement given that we have not had sex in over 7 years, only twice in the last 10 years and I am still here.

I was socially awkward as a teen. In my 20s, I actually got pretty good at approaching women and seducing them because I was all about pleasing them and no one else (I practiced serial monogamy from the very first date), but then when it got serious they figured out that was all I knew how to do and ran. My wife is the one that didn't run. We live in the house she picked out; she controls the finances; she routinely over rules me on decisions I make and often makes unilateral decisions. She dominates the marriage and always has. The reason we are still together is because she refuses to consider any alternative.

See the disconnect?
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